Philosophical Scrapbook

In the last few months before I came to Job Corps, I came up with a bunch of ideas for new blog posts, which never matured into something that IMO could be considered posts.

Almost all of my posts are based upon the concept that I take an idea, and see how far I can continue on that train of thought. When the train of thought ends, I publish it (or in some cases, publish the final update to it).

The following is a collection of all those thoughts, each of which can be considered the larval form of a post, and which eventually may become such:

Evolutionary Dualism:

Fight

 

God (creator)

Passion (Holy Spirit)  Control (Father) Expectations (Son)

               |                                |                          |

           Desire            Communication           Commitment

           Change                Intimacy                   Pride

                |                              |                           |

           Present                     Past                      Future

__________________________________________

 

Flight

 

Fear             Chaos             Doubt

helpless         lost              despair /mistrust

     |                   |                      |

  victim

                                                       

Satan (destroyer)

 

Can Creative means cause Destructive ends?

Can Destructive means cause Creative ends?

to be continued…

No Excuses

YARM (Yet Another ReMaster)

As I recently discovered, there are two main ways to attain what might be considered close to ‘true’ freewill:

(1) To kill the Ego (Ego Death)

(2) Synthetic Immersion

Ego death can be achieved using at least three methods:

(a) Merge the Ego into the SuperEgo- this would result in the will of the self being the will of the collective. Mass-conversion to a SuperEgo-based self is the primary prerequisite to the holy grail of Socialism: Instrumentality.

This would essentially result in the Collective Unconscious becoming conscious.

The downside of instrumentality is a lack of uniqueness (which would normally be created by individuality, the bane of istrumentality). However, according to Utilitarian philosophy (a philosophy that I agree with), uniqueness itself is a bad thing, because the irrational need to be different is ultimately the source of all conflict.

If any ‘group’ of people were to attain such a state of mind, all psychic abilities would become unlocked, most prominently telepathy, telekinesis, and prophesy. The anime franchise Neon Genesis Evangelion is focused primarily on the achievement of such a consciousness, albeit ultimately deeming it dystopian in nature. The AT Field, first understood only as a forcefield that repelled or absorbed most conventional weaponry, was later revealed in NGE to be the spiritual barrier that separates the consciousness of the world from itself (to protect itself).

In a poetic sense, it is “the light of the soul”. As individualism is incremental, progression towards such an ideal would equate to the strengthening of one’s AT field; this renders one impervious to pain and every kind of emotional negativity; Hypothetically speaking, a person with an infinitely strong AT field would live forever.

The disadvantage of an AT Field is the loss of all positive emotions, as well as complete apathy, detachment, and a sense of life being fake, and ultimately, meaningless.

From my own metaphysical observations, death is the direct result of the loss of spiritual energy.

How much vitality a person has is dependent on two factors:

(1) Desire (Freedom). This refers to how much spiritual energy that each soul contains to begin with. Normally, a person can only release spiritual energy; very few people can receive it.

There are of course exceptions, and these are the source of a variety of mythology, such as vampires, soul-suckers, demons, witchcraft, and so on. There are also instances where spiritual energy can be willingly released into another individual, utilizing “God” and “miracles” as a catalyst and spiritual transfer medium.

In theory, a person of exceptionally strong willpower would be capable of producing an AT field on par with those produced by the Angels in NGE– in fact, I think that this is how Angels came to be in the first place. The synchronization of several strong-willed individuals would make such a phenomenon even more likely, so many Angels might in fact be several individuals merged together into a single super-strong AT field.

The lower levels of this are actually quite common, as evidenced by military training, and demonstrated in high-level military operations (Covert-Ops/Navy Seals).

(2) Control (Willpower). This refers to the amount of control a person has over their spiritual energy, which in turn is determined by the level of their resolve to separate themself from the world. The greater a person’s Willpower, the more efficiently they manage their spiritual energy, and the more they retain it.

The ratio of these two synthesize what we call “Freewill”.

I find it particularly interesting that Shinji, the character in the series that most closely reflected the Ego, had the strongest AT field. This makes perfect sense of course, as the Ego is the source of willpower.

to be continued…

ps. note to self: write posts “All for one and one for all”, and “Closure”. also don’t forget “Philosophical Scrapbook”.

All Apologies

When I decided to come to Job Corps, I hoped that there I would be able to find myself– that by being surrounded by people my age, I might get back what I lost so long ago: trust, sentimentality, bonding, love, respect, friendship, happiness– these are things that I took for granted most of my life.

The one irony that I don’t find this least bit funny– I couldn’t appreciate the beauty and purity of these things until long after I had given up on them.

I wrote about this at the beginning of this little journey of mine, so in a way you can say this is “karma catching up with me”.

The past several months I’ve felt so empty inside, and have tried to fill that emptiness with a sense of belonging. Most people will provide validation for this, which is perhaps what drew me to socialize with others. The only problem was, my heart wasn’t in the right place.

I didn’t care about other people- heck , I didn’t even care about myself. All of this time I’ve been drifting through life– no real direction, just trying to maintain status quo.

Eventually people catch on, and I suppose I’ve developed a social detachment as a defense for that. Perhaps I subconsciously make them catch on, as a sort of passive self-sabotage. There was a point in my life where I cared, but I know that even then, I never cared enough.

I’ve used and abused so many people, and ruined many relationships with people– most of them I screwed up from the start. To have such one-sided friendships feels so fake,  so perverted. Once I realized this– how I was treating people– I almost gave up on friendship; for a while I had given up on them– on having any real relationship at all.

It’s been so long since I actually stopped to appreciate the beauty of this world– nature, people, and even life itself. I’ve been so self-absorbed in this self-righteous quest for the meaning of life, that I’ve forgotten what it means to really live– forgotten what it means to experience things instead of just think about them, and how to share my experiencs with others; and more importantly, to allow others to share their experiences with me.

Every once in a while, I wake up from this melancholic dream I’m usually having, and then I realize that the world is passing me by– that as time goes on and I continue dreaming, the gap between the real world and my own widens.

At first it was interesting, entertaining, and exciting. It felt as if I had surpassed the world– surpassed reality itself. But as time goes on, things look more and more fake– when I actually stop the experience the world, and take time to share experiences with others, I quite literally can’t believe my eyes– it feels like a deception, like I’m living in a dating sim. Yet i know that it’s real.

For this reason, I have been afraid of other people, and of the real world. All of this time, I’ve survived through conditioned responses– I never thought about what I said– never paid attention to anything or anyone– I’ve been ignoring the world all this time. As expressed first by Linkin Park, I’m afraid that if I actually take anything or anyone seriously, that I’m about the break.

The person that people know me as is not me– it’s a shell of conditioned responses– psychological algorithms. I’m not only a bitch in this respect, but a pussy as well. I’m afraid of actually experiencing life, because I know that I don’t recognize it, and I also know that it doesn’t recognize me.

But I’m ready to live– to experience life now. I didn’t realize this before, because I was too afraid to see it, but the happiness, friendship, love, and all the other experiences that await me– they make it well worth the risk. So there’s no need to be afraid. I have what it takes– I just need to accept it.

Up until now, I have failed all those that have supported and guided me all these years– failed my parents, falled my friends, falled all those who have inspired, supported, mentored, and trained me here at Job Corps. For that I apologize to you– to them wholeheartedly.

But even greater is my gratitude for them, and for you. You have inspired me to understand what it really means to live, and to communicate sincerely and naturally with others. You were the best Wake-Up call never, and I thank you for that. Finally, I have my freedom- freedom to live. It was there all this time, right underneath my nose.

It will be a little while yet, but I promise to do everything I can to actually live life- not just study and analyze it. I’ve gotten a second wind, and with it a second change– for that I am in your debt.

I will repay that debt- by living life to the fullest, so that I will make you proud– make all those who have made me who I am, and more importantly, who I will be, well up with joy.

Identity Crisis

YARM (Yet Another ReMaster)

It’s ironic that I should begin typing this post now (this is one of the last posts this blog will have for a very long time!), not only because I am about to embark on a new journey (Ego Death), but also because, perhaps as a result of the anticipation associated with this journey, I’m going through another, albeit minor identity crisis as I write this post.

I’m guessing that right now you’re thinking, ‘how could I (the author), who knows far more abotu himself than (presumably) anyone else on the face of the planet, have an identity crisis?” At first that is the very same question I asked myself, which in turn (by benefit of the “Why?” factor) led to the realization that the trouble lies not with whom I am, but who I was.

As first explained in “Waking Up”, I have little memory of my past, in large part due to the manipulation of psychologists and government officials, while I was in my most vulnerable state.

This is the root of the crisis: most individuals determine their identity from their pasts (they know who they are by referencing who they were– ignoring the highly ironic self-referential paradoxes inherent in such falacies, of course). We cannot easily determine who we are from the present, as everything is constantly changing. While that past is perceptively static, the present is dynamic.

Of course, there are instances in which the past changes (for example– to believe in lies, or have one’s memory modified, clarified, dulled, recalled– not to mention the inherent fragmentation and imperfection of everyone’s memory)- but nevertheless, the past is a universally innate source of security for all self-aware entities– even God himself.

This is why (as evidenced by history) we have such a strong desire to seek out our origins (roots, genetics, evolution, geneology– and our creator). All of this, as I first discovered while writing “Pride”, is for the sake of validating our existence.

This I know without a doubt: unless I find a source of security that is stronger, ti is crucial that I recover the past that I have lost– only then will I be able to progress in life with a solid psychological foundation.

Note: for more information on the reasons why I am unable to recover my past, see my “Requiem of a Dream” post.

After thinking about it for sometime, the confusion has subsided, and the truth became clear. My uncertainty about the past did not come from distortion of the memories themselves, but an overwhelming and sudden realization that my past had no memories of emotions in it, and as a result, my memories of the past had no meaning.

Without emtoions, that which adds color to each person’s life, any memories feel dead and uncertain, since they are no more than facts and opinions, events and data. The lack of substance in my past had become a source of anxiety and existentialism, leading to this crisis.

Now that I understand this, I can sometime feel peace, if only a little. I may not know who I am, but I am certain that there is a wonderful and very important purpose for this.

That I have no emotional memory of the past sets me apart from other people– gives me a feelign of dignity, that I have been chosen out of all the world as one who would carry out that which is necessary to preserve the Balance in the world– in the most ultimate sense.

While I may not have a past, I do have a future. Perhaps life is better this way– letting our future determine who you are, rather than your past. 

When one’s past determines who they are, there is indeed a firmer foundation, as the self is based on memories that did indeed occur, and can be remembered, thus providing a level of security. 

On the other hand, while the future is unknown and thus unreliable, we are the one’s that determine the future, ultimately. If one let’s their future determine themself, that allows you to have full control over who you become, and you are about to continuously evolve, improve, and change.

So in light of this, I’ve decided that I am lucky not to know who I am, because as I result there is nothing stopping me from being whatever I want to be.

Freewill is then made possible through the future. That is the main advantage that humans have over the rest of nature, after all– we have a future, through this unique trait, we  can be both free and have a will.

Great Expectations

YARM (Yet Another ReMaster)

Up until now, I have repeatedly voiced my opposition to expectations, citing that because they are clearly the source of much negativity, and that a mature person would have no need of them– expectations should be avoided and discouraged. However, while working @ the HP Pavilion, one of my coworkers (the one that inspired “Playing the Victim”, “Depression Treatment”, and “Knowledge is Power”) insinuated that, despite her pathetic lifestyle, she did not expect anything more for herself– that she was content with resigning herself to her fate. It was then that I realized the shocking truth that expectations are essential for anyone to have a future. Why? Because expectations are the future.

Even though expectations may not be necessary for a mature individual, this does not take into account that a person cannot become mature without having such expectations in the first place. A person cannot muster the motivation to act in preparation of something without an incentive that can be fully recognized and gratified in the now. In other words, we cannot work towards a future we cannot see, cannot accomplish goals that have no purpose– cannot produce anything without a reason and the resolve to do so; for this, we need a future so lucid that it’s practically tangible, and such a future is only possible through Great Expectations.

The greatests of ambitions cannot be realized for many, many years– so, to prevent such passion from going cold, expectations are an inevitable necessity.

I denounced such an important thing for so long, blind to the fact that I myself have had, and still have absurdly high expections of myself. I aspire to becoming God someday, for crying out loud! Even more importantly, the person I am today is the direct result of my expctations of myself.

In my case, I’ve evaluated my potential as being limitless, and that is undoubtedly the driving force behind my success (?). Why are expectations important? Because we are who (and what) we expect ourselves to be, and what we expect of others plays a vital role in the outcome of their lives. Regardless of one’s background– even children growing up on luxury can become nothing but a waste when they, their parents, or anyone else around them– expects nothing of them.

What we are is what we expect ourselves to be– if we expect nothing of ourselves, nothing we will become; if we expect nothing of the world, nothing will the world be.

Interdependence

YARM (Yet Another ReMaster)

In the past, I have made it a person goal to become completely independent, but this fails to take into account relativity and adaptation. In essence, such an ambition, if accomplished, would only prove that such a thing was possible, nothing more. Furthermore, as inferred by the speculations of previous posts, complete independence would equate to non-existence; as such, this goal is inherently impossible: in accordance with the Uncertainty principle, the extent to which a person is independent is dependent on the extent to which a person does perceptively exist (or the extent to which one’s person conception of existence is rendered irrelevant).

In more spiritual terms, it’s a necesssity to depend on standards — in particular those provided by oneself, others, and Society– in order to appreciate, and be aware of oneself and others. The sad fact is that to exist, humanity must sin, because self-corruption is the foundation of self-awareness.

In addition, it is now clear to me that every loss results in equivalent gain, and vice-versa as well. Therefore, independence has very little merit to it, and the effort put towards it, if done so ‘just to prove a point’, is nothing but a waste, having ‘missed the point’.

It’s likely that humanity was, at one time, independent. However, it was inevitable that we would become dependent on each other. Compared with other species, humanity is weak in all but one area: Communication. Thus, to ensure our survival, we have to work together. Over time these needs manifested in a system of norm– an evolutionary social framework– one that would become known as Society. By establishing this system of sociological control, mankind brought forth civilization, which ensured our survival.

Pure independence is not a beneficial lifestyle, because alone we are vulnerable and “passively suicidal” (we have no motivation to live, because when independent, there is no meaning in life, and thus no reason to survive. Although in the modern world it is possible to live independently, such a lifestyle would be far from fulfilling.

There are advantages to both independence and dependence– as well as disadvantages (of course :p ). Therefore, the logical and optimum decision would be to seek and maintain a balance between the two– namely, a Common Good. This is where interdependence comes in.

Such a challenge is one that I can be satisfied with, as Balance has been proven time and time again throughout history to be one of the most challenging feats to accomplish, and even more difficult (impossible?) to maintain. Balance requires control, and control requires one to be hardened, seasoned, refined, and committed. Human beings are not perfect, and true Balance requires perfection.

In many ways, one essential benefit of interdependence is that people can compensate for each others’ weaknesses with our different strengths. In fact, the concept of gender roles, a tradition upheld and relied upon since the dawn of time (and even before that!), was cornerstoned on the premise of two becoming one; a simplified insurance that the weaknesses and strengths of men and women would be complimented and balanced out by each other.

It’s not surprising that such a concept has endured for thousands– and to some level, millions of years– the benefits are such that alternatives would be hard-pressed to match it. Such a combination produces a bond of interdependence that cannot easily be broken; a very convincing materialization of the matrimonial ideal “two become one”.

The symbolism in respect to sexual intercourse further adds to the effect, justifying the efforts of countless individuals that actively defend such traditions today.

In light of all this, I’ve decided to fervently dedicate myself to achieving the balance of interdependence, and thereby reap the benefits thereof.

The Justification of Emotions

YARM (Yet Another ReMAster): This post has been a long time coming!

Note: This title is a homage of sorts to one of my first posts, “The Justification of War”- which was written with a similar rationale in mind- that is, to play “the devil’s advocate”, by validating a stance that which I was previous opposed to.

It’s a “rule-of-thumb” that factuality can only be ensured after all emotion is isolated from the respective defining factors; after all, the innate instability of mere sentiments cannot be relied upon for consistancy or accuracy. I myself have been constantly growing more and more emotionally detached in general the past several months.

Although this of course was not intentional, it’s liekly that it was a necessity in order forme to gain the many insights I have attained, which further led to some extraordinarily raw conclusions– particularly in regards to love; among other posts, this is detailed in my post “Love“.

At first, I thought that I had subconsciously become more emotionally detached in anticipation of these insights- but after giving it a great deal of thought, emotional detachment was probably a crucial adaptation to prevent the otherwise inevitable emotional colapse from the merciless buildup of emotion trauma, due in part to self-initiated mind-fucking. I would have been hard-pressed not to become an utterly hopeless wreck, otherwise.

Believe it or not, for the majority of my adolescence (or all of it, before turning 19), I proudly considered myself to be a hardcore hopeless romantic. In fact, I have greatly desired to fall in love ever since I was seven years old. Never could I have even imagined the possiblity of coming to the conclusion that love does not exist.

But I now realize that love does exist– just not logically. As I have said many times before, truth can only be attained when taking all perspectives into account. This of course includes not only the logical perspectives, but the non-logical ones as well.

Immunity

When I first started this blog, the initial motivation for doing so was so that my words might inspire people. But since then, several other reasons have come into play, which is likely why it’s so hard for me to give up on this and move on with life.

Among them: self-analysis, extrospection, creative thought, self-experimentation, academics, existentialism, pride, obsesssion, escapism, the release of excess spiritual energy, candidness– but most importantly, psychological immunity.

Two years ago, (August 2007) when I started jbcandid (the precursor to th3g1vr, and the origin of approx. half of my posts (89), I had one primary goal in mind: to be as candid with myself and others as much as possible. I would collect as much data about myself as I could, starting with the aspects of myself most important to me. Nothing was sacred– I would delve into the depths of myself, face myself, own myself, and fix all of the problems that I had.

Starting with the post “change in my perception”, and “strengths and weaknesses” (both of which were actually written closer to the beginning of 2007, back when my earlier writing took the form of web pages on free subdomain websites), I began to explore the peculiar differences between how I viewed things before compared to now, and the more obvious personality defects that I needed to work on.

It was at this point that I began to realize the impact that my mental illnesses were having on my life, and had impacted my life in the past.

Although back then I only had diagnosed myself as having four mental illnesses, I have now confirmed myself as having eight mental illnesses. But even then I knew that I needed to self-analyze everything about myself, and in particular everything in regards to my perception of reality, and of truth.

My family has a history of mental illness on both sides, and I needed to break the cycle– I needed to prove that I could live “normally” despite all this– I needed to do the impossible. Because I knew that I could never get rid of my mental illness (meds only made things worse), there was only one option left: I needed to become immune to it.

The first milestone in achieving this goal I achieved soon after, and wrote about the experience in “the illusion of life”. Since then, I wrote several other milestone posts, although I’ll refrain from mentioning them here (too many!)

Over time, I developed a very good idea of who I was, and the resulting security gave me a beautiful sense of peace and happiness. But I soon remembered that the person I was wasn’t good enough. Coupled with the decision to put an emphasis on helping other people to self-improve as I did, I started th3g1vr.wordpress.com as part of my resolution to apply what knowledge I had garnered up to this point.

Sometime after, the shock of applying this knowledge hit me hard, as first expressed in my July posts (particularly “Agony”). Well actually, I was hit hard more around May, although I have yet to type that post (“Identity Crisis”). After that, I did more writing than ever before, and the average length of my posts increased 3-fold (Identity Crisis is ironically not even a page long).

At this point I had fully grasped the importance of not only knowing myself, but achieving true independence, that I might free myself of my fate. I was destined to be crazy, and I knew deep down that I would eventually suffer the same fate as my mom (paranoid schizophrenia) if I did not do everything in my power to prevent it. I needed to learn to manipulate my reality before it manipulated me, and ultimately, I needed to be immune to reality itself, so that nothing could affect me.

I set about to develop a system of truth that was immune to Relativity itself– a system of truth where this is no lies, only different types of truth, and different degrees to which something is true. I wanted truth where objectivity itself was irrelevant. In doing this, it would become impossible for me to manifest any mental illness, because I would be immune to everything but myself, and I would decide for myself who I would be– a truly unbiased lifestyle.

Over time, I learned to let go of all values, and divided reality into different “planes of existence”, so that I was compatible with the reality of the world, but immune to it at the same time. The person that the world knew me as was not me, but at the same time was me– I decide who I am, so there is no distinction– it’s just different ways of looking at the same thing.

There never was a distinction, because any such judgement itself became irrelevant. I have values, and I have beliefs– but at the same time, I don’t. The reason being that unlike everyone else, I don’t believe in control. If I did, I probably would be crazy. If I believed in control, I would probably have died a long time ago, or else be locked up in some mental institution, or homeless at best.

So in regards to what I believe in, what I think about, the things I write about, what my perception of my life is, and the people and things I care about most— all of those things are not real to me. I just make those things real to be compatible with the world, and to inspire myself and other people. I don’t have a real me, because I don’t exist. But at the same time, I do exist, because by believing in myself I make myself real, thus triggering inspiration.

There are two types of people in this world: Reflective and Emissive. The majority of the people in this world are reflective, deriving who they are from how other people view them, who in turn do the very same thing. In most cases, there is no Sun for these Moons to reflect off of, inevitably resulting in “the blind leading the blind”.

But there are those few who have no need to validate their existence– what they believe in– who they are. Those few are Suns, and make their own existence real not by validating it, but by recognizing that they make themselves real, thus unlocking their true potential– the light of the soul (this will be discussed further in my up-and-coming post “No Excuses”). It is my aim to be one of those few.

As a result, in the most candid of terms, I am immune to all psychological changes (for the most part) because I don’t give a shit. But so as to prevent misunderstandings for those that might read this, I will elaborate:

Note: I would highly recommend that before continuing to read this post, that the reader first read my post “Requiem of a Dream”, as this gives some background on what I mean by “I don’t give a shit”, and how I came to this point in my life.

As I have more or less implied in more recent posts, I don’t take myself seriously. In other words, everything I say is in my own opinion both bullshit and truth– primarily because I see very little difference between the two– I don’t believe in objective truth, strictly speaking.

All values, morals, norms, habits, priorities, ethics, beliefs, perspectives, philosophical viewpoints…etc., that I have, are essentially fake to me, and furthermore do not belong to me. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t own anything– not my hands, feet, body, writing, personal possessions, girlfriend, intelligence, skills…– none of it belong to me. I merely make use of it, primarily that I might be inspired, and inspire others.

As a result, there is nothing that anyone can do to me, nothing that anyone can take from me, because there is no me to do anything to, no me to take anything from. I own nothing– control nothing– fear nothing– have nothing. As a result, I am completely independent. How can this be possible? It’s all in the mindset.

But independence just isn’t good enough. I must be able to appreciate my independence, and I do this through other people. But unfortunately, my reality (my true reality) conflicts with that of other people– I am a very complicated person, and no one can truly understand me– not even myself.

So to cope with this, I have created this fake image, this fake self, and the world is fine with it– it works. I can make it work. Everyone thinks that they have some idea of who I am, but the truth is that no one can even scratch the surface of who I am.

At first, I wanted to be honest. But once I realized that no one would accept me for who I am, I am forced to portray myself as someone I’m not. But at the same time, as mentioned ealier, the person who I am is the real me, because it really is just different ways of looking at the same thing.

If only everyone else could understand this as I do– then all war would cease– no one would disagree– there would be no conflict– because we would all realize that such petty trifles are irrelevant. Why can’t we all just understand that we’re missing the point?

The person that I really am, my true nature (where “truth” refers to that which inspires me most!) is completely incompatbile with the world. Society hates who I *really* am. But just now something amazing occurred to me: If who I consider to be the “true” me is the self that inspires me most, then it must also be true that the “true” self of the rest of the world is on that same level.

That being the case, it must be that the world is also fake, because it can’t handle its true self. The world is then essentially incompatible with itself. I’ve always though that life is ironic, but The irony of life still continues to surprise (and inspire) me.

So the only real difference, when it comes down to the bitter end, is that I am more honest with myself, whereas Society continues to stubbornly live in its perfect little world, pretending that its so-called “norms” are normal.

But until that day that I am able to wake up Society to its sins, I’ll just have to continue my immunity. There may after all come a day when only a few will be able to prevent TEOTWAWKI.

Lost in the Crowd

YARM (Yet Another ReMaster)

I’ve always had the suspicion that I would not mix well with music concerts, but when I got my first sneak-preview of such an experience while working @ HP Pavilion, I was completely taken off-guard by how miserable the experience was outside the arena (read: concert hall) — Forget inside it!

What is it about concerts that I find so revolting? That is a question that I have found the answer to, thanks in part to the insights gained in my Leadership post.

I also gained a clue along the way– see, any question that I have asked I have gotten an answer to, as long as the question is specific enough. Just like in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, I can only get the answer I’m looking for if I’m “asking” the right question(s)– only in my case, the answers are instantaneous.

So either:

(a) I’ve got a direct link to every answer to which there is a question (read: I am God)

Or:

(b) My brain is a hell of a fast processor, with infinite knowledge inside that is waiting to be tapped. (read: still God!)

Okay, bragging aside:

First, the clue: Why?(!) do people go to concerts, when the studio music is soooo much better quality? Clearly they aren’t there for “that” reason…so Why?

First I keep in mind that those who go to concerts are ‘clearly’ followers, not leaders.

Next, the stereotypical psychological scenario:

Person “A” suddenly starts screaming and moving their hand to and from their mouth repeatedly, in the classic Native-American (mockery) fashion, running in circles. Why? Because he’s bored. (!)

Persons “B”, “C”, ”D”, and “E” are visibly annoyed, and react to “A”s actions.

“B” was just waiting for someone to act in such a crazy and foolish manner, as he lacked the confidence and resolve to initiate it himself. Thus, “B“ joins in with “A” immediately, seeing the opportunity to act a fool, which he was unable or unwilling to create for himself. ”C” decides to adopt the “If you can’t beat ‘em. join ‘em” philosophy. By joining “A”, “C” goes from a frustrated state to a social “high”, and the three of them enjoy the experience.  Person “D” Sees “A”, ”B”, and “C” having a good time, but decides that their actions are foolish and uncivilized, and decides not to join in. Too stubborn to join the others, but lacking the resolve or motivation to make them stop, he either goes away, complains and harasses them, or sits in a corner and sulks.

Person “E” agrees with the opinion that their actions are foolish and uncivilized, and decides to put a stop to it. There are many different ways of doing this, and he may either weigh his options, or merely resort to to the most obvious solution (knock all the participants out cold, for example).

In this Scenario, both Person A and Person E are leaders; the primary difference between them is that Person A initiates action, while Person E initiates putting a stop to that action– in essence Positive versus Negative forces.

Although there are quite a few “B”-type people in this world (opportunists), the majority of people are “C”-type, and thus very easy to manipulate (their very nature implies that they want to be manipulated!)

Where do I fall on this scale? Sadly, I am not an “A” type, nor and “E” type. I am a “D” type, which can make me very difficult. I lack the resolve to follow through with change, and either complain about things and criticize or harass people, practice escapism (i.e. via anime/music), or sulk in the proverbial corner.

Note: “A” is a chaos-leader, ”B” is between a follower and ”A” (chaos-leader), ”C” is between follower and “D”, and “D” is somewhere between C and “E” (control-leader)

Here’s a graph to help you visualize:

“A” (chaos-leader)    ”B”       follower      C          D       E (control-leader)

_____|____________|________|_____|______|__________|

I do want to be an “E”, but I’ve found I lack the wisdom to be ready for that. So right now, I’m aiming to be an “A”.

I have seen similar experiences to that of an “A” personality, as have most people. But nevertheless, the scenarios created by such a personality are generally chaotic, and thus clearly unacceptable from society’s standpoint; most people stop such behavior halfway through adolescence.

Because of the limitations set by these personalities, followers can sometimes feel caged by their obligations to traditions, and the various social norms. Sometimes they want to let loose, and act on impulse, in such a way as a “B” type might act.

In concerts, parties, and activities with a similarly chaotic atmosphere, it’s “normal” to act as such, and “C” type people are able to enjoy the immense social-high thereof – actually, perhaps a much greater one.

Although I myself am too “D” to relate to or appreciate it, I can at least understand why so many people do. If I could attain such a ”high”, I probably would join in too.

Seeing things from this perspective, it would also explain why there is such a demand for concerts, in spite of high prices and far lower quality music. In the midst of such chaos, it’s also very easy to forget about one’s problems, making it an ultimate venue for escapism. Just not for me.

Prelude

th3g1vr.wordpress.com has the same exact original material as my jbcandid blog, and then continues on from there. If you remember, jbcandid for the longest time had 20+ blog posts that were completely empty, with just the names of the posts and a blank page after that. Most of those blank posts were eventually made posts in th3g1vr, as I was able to actually write (or in many cases, type) those posts a little while after migrating my material to th3g1vr.

 

Now jbcandid is a blog that I never shut down simply because there is no reason to, and it reminds me of the focus that I had prior to th3g1vr (jbcandid focused on writing to be honest with myself, whereas th3g1vr focused on the sharing the knowledge I acquired through self-analysis with the ignorant masses, that they might benefit from it.

 

My original incentive for starting writing about these things, as explained in “Video Games and Love” (my first post, both on th3g1vr and jbcandid) was that my insights about the various aspects of life might help people. when I started jbcandid, I abandoned this in favor of self-analysis (realizing that I couldn’t help other people if I can’t help myself, and the transition to th3g1vr was a personal milestone marked by a sense of self-trust that I had given myself a firm enought of a foundation that I was ready to share my journey, and what I learned from it, with other people.

 

since then, I have gone through more rough edges in my thought, arguably the most visible (though far from the worst) expressed in the last post I wrote before coming to Job Corps, “I can’t handle the truth”.

 

Currently, I’m working on finishing up what little untyped posts that I have, and then th3g1vr will remain as-is until further notice. I’m shooting for 200 total posts.

 

I’m stopping writing after that because frankly, I’m getting ahead of myself. As exciting as it is to write about stuff that most people won’t understand in their lives, the stuff I’m writing about is so high level that I can’t understand it. Most of what I write I can’t understand– rather, it makes sense, and sounds good, and I get good vibes about it….but I don’t actually understand hardly any of the things I write about. It’s probably mostly because I lack the education to understand it.

 

as I’ve written about before, there are two main types of truth in this world: knowledge and understanding/experience. the things I write about are knowledge, but I lack the understanding and experience to appreciate the things I “know”.

 

So yeah, what I write about may be truth, and really awesome truth at that, but it’s nothing but useless data until I understand it. the other more monitary issue is, that when I compile it into a publishable form, I would never be satisfied with the end-result if I were to do it as I am now.

 

Because I do not understand what I write, it would be impossible for me to properly convey my ideas in such a form that other people would understand. To package my writing into such a form, I first must understand it myself. Only then will my writing be able to reach its true potential, at least in regards to sociological impact.

I may well not compile th3g1vr into such a form for about 5 years or so (perhaps over 10), but when I finally do, it will be in the form of at least 5, if not 10 different books, each highly specialized, highly profound, and priceless in value. But until that day comes, I will leave th3g1vr up that those visiting this blog might continue to be inspired by it.