Second Wind

Normally I would write something like this as some sort of intro page instead of a post that will become buried under all those that come after it, but someday I know I’ll look back and trace the journey recorded here in admiration of how far I’ve come. So in light of that, I’ll give my thoughts right now- which just so happens to be why I started this blog, and what it is, and will likely not always be about. After all, when I started my first blog, which in its present form is th3g1vr.com, but before that went through several other forms, starting with an email, then one part of a website, and now the website itself- or should I say blog. For me though, I think that a “blog”, although its purpose happens to fit my own desires, in and of itself I use simply because, particularly with wordpress, it’s quite easy to make a website to impress most people, or should I say, most people that have not blogged, or not blogged using wordpress.

That of course was a bit of rambling on my part, as rambling is something that I at the present time love to do- talking, arguing, and occasionally getting absurdely excited about what essentially amounts to nothing. Then again, this blog is for me, not for you. It is my intention that, as I mature, this will change- that I will be emotionally secure and strong enough that I will take responsibility for my own life, to the point that I can instead inspire others through why I write– that is probably not possible right now, so please expect a lot of drama and pity-partying, perhaps even whining.

This blog is partly inspired by Koji Oe, who maintains another page very similar to what this page will be- Fragments of Dreams, which in turn was written originally through Xanga. Being an admirer of this author, I read some of the first of these posts, which are of a very emotional (and many times negative) tone. I suppose it was then that I first began to realize that I wasn’t being true to my emotional self.

Although it wasn’t intentional, I’ve built up psychological walls the past few years, to the end that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to feel. Knowing this and not knowing to to do about it, I’ve neither felt happiness, sadness or anger. The only thing that I’ve truly felt, or perhaps (subconsciously) allowed myself to feel- is anxiety.

Realizing that my lack of feeling- my lack of desire- that these were due to fear, I searched for a way out, even to the end of self-sabotage. All for the sake of gaining some emotional appreciation of myself, to force myself into having some self-worth. I denied it for years, but I now realize in full how little self-esteem I have. When I look myself in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even recognize myself. I have to remind myself that logically it is “me”, even if it doesn’t feel that way- that it couldn’t possibly be anyone else. Out of this grew doubt- leading to the border-schizo notion that there is another person in me, that I am merely existing as a host and by which to relay observations. The pressure built up within me is cracking through the shell, and I have begun to lose control. This is indeed what they mean by “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder“.

To remedy this, remedy myself, I need emotional release- to correct the emotional imbalance within myself, so that I can finally start moving forward again, unhindered by the past. I have so much potential, and it would be a shame- a disgrace not to use it. Even if I don’t have a reason to live, the only reason that I should need is an obligation to humanity, and to God- those who blessed me with these gifts, and those around me that helped foster them. My existence is not my own doing, and so I have no right to choose what to do, or not to do with myself. Who I become is a reflection not of my own efforts, but of those that influenced my development, before I could even comprehend it. By hating myself, I am hating the world, and vice versa.

As those familiar with Hinduism should realize, this is the place where I can freely release my emotional suffering unto the world, and by doing so gain a second wind. Just as it is not fair for me to contain my ability to bestow happiness through my talents, it would be equally unfair to keep my suffering to myself, when there are so many people that can learn from it, as well as perhaps even learn to better appreciate their own happiness.

Through this blog I will release all of my emotions in the best way I can- happiness, sadness, loneliness, anger, admiration, indignation, satisfaction- everything. I believe that although humans are imperfect alone, we are perfect as one. I also believe that we are imperfection so that from our perfection beauty is born.

When I first expressed my true feelings to those that I knew, I felt an incredible release from a great burden- it was then that I realized that I found what I was searching for- what I was missing.