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When I first started writing, my primary incentive was that I realized that my a priori insights into various aspects of life (initially dealing specifically with relationships/love) could help people to better cope with their situations, by offering fresh and valid perspectives. But the more that I thought, and wrote, I realized that many, if not most of my opinions and perspectives were ones that most people do not agree with, or in most cases, can’t understand in the first place. Early on, I knew that my concerns are inherently philosophical, and when looking back, I speculate as to how I could be so sure of such a thing with only a very superficial understanding of what philosophy was; this was before I knew about wikipedia, before I knew much about anything at all outside trivia, technology, basic academics, and a well-rounded cultural knowledge base.
I suppose all I needed to know to know I was a philosopher was the fact that I’m inherently inquisitive. I’ve been that way since I was a kid. Perhaps any person with an unusually high level of curiosity can be considered a philosopher. After all, even science is philosophy deep down.
Back then I was aware of blogs, but didn’t really know anything about them. Having already used myspace (which has blogging functionality), I mistakedly assumed that the blogsphere was another spam/bloat magnet that could only be tolerated by those with a passion for social networking- a taste which to this day I can’t relate to. Perhaps it’s because I need to “loosen up a little”; to each his own in either case.
Instead of a blog, I tried out a few sub-domain free web hosting services (of which I don’t remember or care for the names of any of them), and my screen name was trailbl4zr. If you ever want to find out about someone (their interests, personality, etc.) and they use the Internet a lot, just google their screen name. Well in either case, in retrospect, the search results for trailbl4zr give a good image of what I was into back then. I was just starting to really get into the internet, dual booting XP and various linux distros, discovering IRC and Jabber, starting to become a google freak, experimenting with bittorrent and direct-download services, and randomly downloading anime (based off anime-eden descriptions). I was on a very long internet binge.
In retrospect, my screen-names were inadvertently good descriptors of the phases I’ve gone through. I was metaphorically trailblazing for the entirety that I actively used that screen name (the only exception probably being mininova.org- I don’t comment that often so it’s not worth getting a new account just to update my sn).
But then I realized that if I were to become serious in my pursuit for knowledge, I would have to be as honest as humanly possible, both with myself, and everything else. That’s when I became jbcandid, and got serious about writing, and thinking. Apparently a lot of writing (google lists a whopping 457,000 results!)
That’s when I first decided that (quoting myself) “truth can only be understood after taking everything into account” Although I realized this to some extent early on, I did not begin to *truly* understand until after writing my post that was appropriately named “Truth”.
What does “taking everything into account” mean? It means getting rid of every possible bias, seeing others and oneself as-is, accumulating knowledge outside any emotional attachment– essentially, making the pursuit of knowledge top priority at all costs. But as written in Passion and Pleasure, having an intense desire for any one thing results in the destruction of anything that might hinder the given pursuit. Or another way of thinking about it: Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. To put it in my own words, putting too much priority on anything results in an imbalance, and in most cases, the price of imbalance is suffering. For that reason, I don’t think there’s a such thing as a “true” hedonist.
Then again, (ironically), as I’ll detail in the next post (Truth Hurts), I believe that any form of happiness can only occur when people lie, specifically to themeselves. that is, Happiness ultimately comes through self-deception. If the price of truth is suffering (like the Bible clearly says in Genesis, and as I probably first began to realize in my post Denial.
So I guess hedonists “exist”, but only by not being true to themselves (talk about irony/living contradictions!)
But after coming this far, I know that if I knew back then what I would go through to achieve truth, I would have given it up right then and there- because it’s not worth it. Because that kind of truth requires complete independence, a complete lack of emotion and attachment. People just don’t know how lucky they are to be ignorant.
Right about now I’m thinking “why don’t I give up this f#<%ing pride so I can be happy again! Perhaps, while in Job Corp, I’ll do just that. The problem is that I know what great things I’ll be able to accomplish on my current path, and it’s all too much to pass up so easily. Part of me says, “but when all’s said and done, for what?” Just to prove a point? For the good of mankind? No man alive should be the judge of such grandios matters, so should I endure this suffering, hoping that I’m doing the right thing?
From the moment I started using the sn jbcandid (almost 2 years ago now) I haven’t been able to cry, no matter how much I want to. I feel like a living corpse– that I died a long time ago, and that I’ve finally stepped out of denial, and accepted myself for the zombie I am.
After all this time, writing for the sake of writing- acquiring knowledge for the sake of curiosity- after a while it get empty. There is a reason I haven’t been writing lately. It’s because the things I think about now is painful. It’s like playing a turned-based game with no end in sight. no matter how much I love turn-based games, I can almost never finish because I never do good enough- I can never realize my potential. Although it’s good to have a purpose you never accomplish, it ruins the whole point when you know you can’t accomplish it. Because at that point, it’s no longer realizing your potential, it’s realizing your shortcomings- your limitations.
I don’t know how long this journey will continue. It seems I’m a glutton for punishment, so even after saying all this, I’ll probably continue do what I’m doing anyway. After all, no one can easily give up a passion of this caliber.
But I suppose that if I can graduate from this dead-end dream: Someday, probably several years in the future, I’ll look back at how I used to think, smile, and probably rework it all into some award-winning novels, perhaps with a more optimistic spin. Wish me luck :P
