Misunderstandings

(this is copied from an email):

since I think that you might be ready enough you can understand, and also I am ready enough to under enough to relay such an understanding, I think that I can provide you with some of the answers you are looking for, as to put your mind at ease. although there are many motivations, my primary motivation for watching anime by far- is that it helps me understand myself. when I am with other people, I cannot understand anything or anyone. it’s not as if I am alone all the time because I want to, I just don’t have much choice. if I’m with other people, my mind becomes clouded, confused, chaotic. I am helpless, unable to sense anything. I am overwhelmed by emotions that I cannot understand, and thoughts that have no form. when I am with other people, I sense a great deal, but despite that, I cannot make sense of any of it. right now I’m watching an anime that communicates feelings that are very close to what I feel when with others. it’s called “Serial Experiments Lain”, and the main character’s name is Lain, FTR.

when I am alone, I can understand many things. when I am with other people, I understand nothing. when I’m with others, I can’t shake the feeling of being disconnected, isolated, different. at least when I’m alone I don’t feel isolated. I practice escapism, by watching anime, by listening to music, by thinking. Peace is impossible for me. the closest thing I’ve ever felt to peace is that which I achieve through escapism.

by talking to others, to you- I can pretend that I am not alone, that I am connected, and I am not different. by asserting my own thoughts, I reinforce the idea that my thoughts are important. If a person says nothing, I assume that my words were helpful. if they disagree, I assume that they are in the wrong, that they are stubborn for not accepting what I say. I normally hide my awareness of these things to provide the illusion of comfort- it’s not difficult amidst the chaos that I experience when with others.

so the person that you talk to is not me, it’s another person- a person that is sociable, not because he wants to get along with others, but because of a selfish desire to belong. my words in-person are meaningless to me. it’s only another form of escapism. If I were to do nothing, to say nothing, it would be torture for me. when I worked for those two days at that japanese place. I was forced to do nothing, to say nothing, because there was no one with whom I felt safe doing so with. there was no where to hide. It was torture. it was hell.

but another part of me loved that, wanted to suffer- part of me was happy about it- looking forward to it.

it’s not that I decided to quit. Rather, I didn’t go back. there was no real decision not to go back – sure a part of me believed it to be decided, but such a pretensions exists only to protect my pride. I had just as much reason to continue as I had to stop. For as long as I can remember, when I’m unwilling or unable to make a decision about something, I just do nothing. that’s what I did- nothing. I didn’t quit- I lost the job because I never went back. perhaps it would have been better to quit properly, but if I had to resolve to do that, I would have had the resolve to continue going.

the reason why I didn’t answer the phone is the same– it’s not that I intentionally ignored you, I just didn’t have the resolve to answer the phone. To protect my pride, I turned off the phone, but that again is mere pretension.

the person you know over email is closer to the true me. this is because I do not feel that I am talking to you, and there is no chaos to block my feelings. if you do not like my emails, then the person you like does not exist. or more accurately, you do not know me, you only know a misunderstanding.

people often let their lives be at the mercy of superficial misunderstandings. If a person claims to have done something, or that another did something, that fact takes over the lives of people. a long-term relationship can be shattered by a mere misunderstanding.

people just can’t understand that it really doesn’t matter what the facts are- they just can’t understand that ultimately, the facts themselves are missing the point.

for example, am I your friend? I told you that I wasn’t, or that you weren’t, not because I felt it was necessary, but felt that it was something that you ought to know. I misunderstood you. But that was only because I misunderstood the meaning of honesty. just because I don’t “feel the love” doesn’t mean it isn’t there, I can believe myself to be your friend and not be, and I can believe myself not to be and be a good friend.

In other words, it’s impossible to tell the whole truth, and it’s impossible to tell a complete lie. that’s because there is always truth in a person’s lies, and there is always deception in a person’s truth. it’s not something we do on purpose- it’s because human beings are imperfect. to lie or tell the truth requires a complete knowledge of such things, because to do either in full requires a standard to measure against.

despite this, people weigh their lives on such things, allowing themselves to be controlled by such petty superficiality.

you never knew me, and I never knew you. but how important is that knowledge? is it really worth this anxiety?

I say “people”, because I am different, I’m disconnected. by being with others, I only become self-aware of my isolation. even if eventually, I might be able to get over such feelings, would it be worth the torture I would have to experience?

I’m tired of escaping, tired of isolating myself, but what other option do I have? I’m afraid of being with other people, but my fears are validated. I can offset those fears, but to do so requires hiding from myself and others, letting a false-self absorb the pain, and put on a good face. In doing so, I can observe through the mask, but can one call that real?

to others it might be considered “real”, and to you it might, but if so, then that is pure manipulation. I might feel justified manipulating if I got something substantial out of it, but like this- I’m taking God away from people just for “status quo“. there’s no way I could be at ease with such a trade.

what you do not understand is that the person that wrestles with you is not me, but my desires, and the one that talks with you in person is not me, but a fake.

the reason why that I can enjoy spending time with you is because I am not spending time with you, I am watching you spend time with someone who you perceive as me. Because I’m observing, there is no fear. In every way I know of, it’s the same as a dream. because I realize now that it’s a dream, I’m being forced to face my fears. I can either reject them as false, accept them and suffer, run away from them, or overcome them. the possibilities are there, but I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is think about it, and hope that with time, another self might resolve things, if only temporarily.

by talking about things, or writing them down, I can pretend that there is nothing to be afraid of, because by breaking things down, no matter what it is, it will become meaningless, because everything is accounted for. power is after all not decided by what we know, but what we do not know- which is also why all of all perceptions of power relate to what we do not know- God, conspiracies theories, aliens, terrorists, spys. it is not their actions that are powerful, but what knowledge of them we lack that gives them that power.

so what we should truly fear is not what we know, but what we do not know. I fear you, and everyone, because I know that I cannot know you. by talking to you and forcing you do agree with me, or talking about things where I know something you do not, I can run away from my fear, sidestep that fear by focusing on my own knowledge, or force that fear onto another so that do not have to focus on my own.

but that fear will not go away, and that fear is valid.

I can’t explain that statement to you because I do not understand it either.