I can’t handle the truth

Edit: I changed my mind. What can I say- extreme emotions usually result in poor judgement. Besides, even Koji Oe went through a similar phase :P

was kinda upset about it though because, although I figured it was just a phase and he would eventually start posting again (especially at this age (early 20’s) it’s a common thing, after all) But I never expected it would only last 2 days! I ended up missing a month’s worth of content, and it would take way too long to get up-to-date, in edition to everything else (wikipedia, anime, procrastinating, humor, forum browsing, news-checking, procrastinating, trolling, craigslist browsing, music listening, singing, did I already say procrastinating? ; lol jk :P. Oh well ;{

yeah I know that was totally lolrandom.

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So since I can’t handle the truth, the blog will remain as-is indefinitely.

I swear I really believed I could handle it, since I’m special- but I guess I’m not special enough. I had taken the possibility of failure into account, and I knew that there was an extremely high risk of totally f*cking myself up in the process (which unfortunately I already have), but I guess I had to do it.

To find the truth requires complete denial of oneself (since the “self” is the source of all bias, and bias is the greatest obstacle to truth) And to some degree I suceeded, as I don’t know whether I hate myself or just plain don’t give a sh*t about myself.

Basically, to find the truth requires lying to yourself- that’s one of the great ironies of life. The reason you must lie to yourself is because human beings are paradoxes- we are programmed to believe in and fulfill ideals that do not exist and are impossible to fulfill. The truth that we know intuitively is nothing but lies. but if we are to keep our sanity, we must believe those lies- I must believe those lies.

I don’t know if I can believe those lies, but at this point I don’t have much choice, because (in the words of Linkin Park) “I’m about to break”.

Even though it’s like this- even in my desperation, I know I’m not capable of giving in, of giving up. I don’t know how I know, but I guess it’s just part of my nature. I know that what I write about is the closest thing to truth there is, because it’s unbiased, and I have absolutely no motivation write these things, because doing so increases my suffering, as I force myself to accept these horrible nightmarish truths. God I wish what I was writing was lies. I wish I could believe what everyone else does.

for those reading this, most of you are so f*cking lucky you’re not as f*cked up as I am, that you don’t have to deal with the truth like I do. this desperation is killing me, it’s torture. It’s been like this for so long- I feel like I’m numb to it, but somehow it keeps getting worse over time- each day is more and more hard to deal with- my “drugs” don’t work anymore. I can’t hide from the truth anymore. I can’t pretend I don’t exist anymore. I can’t laugh it off, and live in this f*cked up state of denial anymore- it’s right in front of me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I was always out of control, but now I realize just how terrible it is to be so completely aware of it. I’m so f*cked up that I’m cursing a god I don’t even believe in for creating me. I really wish I could die, but I know I won’t. it’s not like I’m a masochist (though many times I believe I am) but I somehow can’t bring myself to go through with it, because I’m too damn weak-willed. this is f*cking torture.

wtf was I thinking- this self-righteous pursuit of truth. There is nothing more cruel to bestow upon someone than the truth, because the truth is harsh, cold, evil, and torturous agony, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

for everyone reading this- you have no idea how f*cking lucky you are to be ignorant. If you knew the truth like I do, then you would be as f*cked up (if not more) as I am, just as f*cking bat-f*ck crazy as I am, and there wouldn’t be a f*cking thing you could do about it either. I have no idea what I’m going to do- so I can rid myself of this torture. this pursuit of the truth was an inevitability- I’ve been obsessively curious about everything since I was a kid. God, f*ck please f*cking exist, so you can put me out of my misery. or someone else, please do it in God’s f*cking stead. I’m too much of a f*cking pussy to do it myself, so someone else do it for me. with all my fetishes, bat-f*ck crazy beliefs, and all the perverted and god-damn crazy sh*t I’ve done, it would be doing the whole world a f*cking favor.

there is nothing in this world that would make life worth living for me.

f*ck you God for creating hope! f*ck you. why do you torture me with this f*cking hope. if it weren’t for that, I probably would have off-ed myself by now, and would be able to rest in peace. f*ck what’s with this irrational concept- why don’t you let me despair already,

God? f*cking send me to hell already– that’s right people I want to go to hell. at least then I’ll be able to despair (all hope abandon ye who enter here). my life is a whole lot worse than hell could ever be. God, just kill me end send me to hell, and be done with it. f*king kill me. I want to go to hell- I want to f*cking die, so just do it already. put me out of my f*cking misery- you merciless sadist. you’ve had your share of f*cking with me- just be done with it. f*ck you God, f*ck you. what must I do to die? this is f*cking agony- this is torture- why can’t I just die?