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Despite all this writing speculating and theorizing about the nature of motivation and causality, of the issues and conflicts native to love, friendship, society, and relationships/communication in general, I’m a pathetic, unstable, lonely, depressed, anti-social psycho and total loser. The only things I really have going for me are computers, writing, creativity, analysis, intelligence, academics/ trivia, my intellect, a slew of other hobbies, and the ability to comfortably(?) and confidently(?) hold a conversation with anyone about just about anything. Well, that and a lot of makeshift charisma. Most importantly, you may hate me or love me, but even if you’ve only met me once, you may never forget me, because I leave a huge impression (good or bad), and have a very strong personality.
Because such qualities are considered very good qualities to have, I was convinced that the apparent popularity I had for a good deal of my life (and still have) was because people liked me. Perhaps some of them did, and do. But it’s the other way around- I was/am popular because I like people. I’m a very selfish person- let’s face it- and my priorities just don’t agree with those of society’s. I have a great deal of pride, because I know how great my potential is. But as I’ll explain in “Points of Authority” (a written-and-will-soon-be-typed post) pride can be one of your worst enemies, and it certainly is for me. Because my Ego says my reality is superior to that of the consensus, I’m compelled to push the whole world away.
I’m sorry world, but your reality is too inferior for my Ego to accept. It’s so inferior that my Ego would rather torture me, depress me, anger me, or immerse me into complete and utter self-denial before accepting your reality. In that sense- yes, I’m very closed-minded. My definition of closed-minded is itself quite different from that of the consensus. Yes, I am a rebel- that much is obvious. But it’s not like I want to be. But it just so happens that, unfortunately, my Ego does. It’s not as though my Ego wants to see me suffer. On the contrary, my feelings are usually irrelevant. All the Ego wants is to increase the chances of surviving and thriving, and suffering is a necessary byproduct of that. I want to change- I really do.
I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking, stop caring, settle down with a girlfriend, then a wife, have a family, and live a modest yet fulfilling life. I want to just enjoy life in those small yet profound ways. I would be very satisfied with that. But my Ego wouldn’t! Right now, I just realized what the Ego is. The Ego is the soul. The fact that it feels like I have a soul and others don’t- it’s because:
(1) I have a comparably enormous Ego, and
(2) I’m a great deal more aware of my Ego than the vast majority.
For the past could years I’ve been toying with the idea of psychological death and rebirth- a deathless reincarnation. Well actually I’ve already done so once, although my rebirth was largely internal. Perhaps the reason for this is because back then, I didn’t know what I wanted- all I knew is what I didn’t want- who I was then, and that I wanted to find the meaning of life, and my role in it– “Our Purpose”. To that end I’ve been successful thus far, although the meaning of life- and even my purpose- have proven to be as complicated as anticipated, if not moreso.
Even now, having a better idea of what I really want, it’s hard to pass up on what I’m doing, because every insight is so incredible, and the more I write and think, the more refined and meaningful my writing becomes. To add to this, I’m even more inspired since I can to Clearfield Job Corps, than I’ve ever been before. I know that no matter how amazing my insights become, I’ll never gain happiness from them. But as a slave to my Ego, and being weak-willed, it’s difficult to do anything about it. I know- this makes me a very complicated person
But should I, in the words of Linkin Park, “face myself; let go what I’ve done, [and] erase myself, and [forgive] what I’ve done…and clean this slate (psychological death) with the hands of uncertainty…” (a psychological conflict of interests) and recreate myself as a person I know will be happy. What troubles me most about this is the effect it will have on Balance– What price will I have to pay? Will the ceasing of insights be sufficient?
I don’t know anymore. The stakes are too high, and I’m not willing to take the risk. Perhaps my self-esteem is higher than I give myself credit for. That’s been bugging me for a while (many inconsistancies in practive), and just now I figured it out. The self that wants to be happy– which normally I consider my “true self”, is my SuperEgo. Having very little instinct and social/emotional intuition (empathy, etc.) Because this part of me can only influence, and very little influence at that, I perceive myself as weak-willed. And because it gives in so easily to the porogative of the Ego, I perceive myself as having little respect or love for myself, because that love and respect is downplayed in favor of the Ego’s agenda, which considers such qualities irrelevant.
For the same reasons, my SuperEgo, being responsible for social affairs, gives in easily to the Egos of others– which in turn results in me being perceived as a “bitch” or “pushover” by some people, and in a way, I really am. Now that I understand thus, I can confirm that I have extremely high self-esteem- it’s just that most of it goes to a part of me that can’t express itself well socially, while the part that I (and others) can identify with, ends up playing the role of the Ego’s bitch for the most part.
