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What it seems that a lot of people don’t understand, and for that reason misunderstand me, is that I know a great deal about what women want– what the “perfect guy” is to a woman. I’ve thought quite a bit about that (albeit not as much as some other things) so in a sense of course I do. The reason why I’m not that person is because I don’t want to be– or more accurately, it’s not important to me. or should I say, not important enough. In fact, I think that if it was really important to me, I could get rid of my Aspergers- because I don’t believe any mental illness– that’s right- any– to be inherently genetic. sure, they have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that mental illness runs in the family, and that a person born from mentally ill parents is fairly likely to have it to, but that’s due to a combination of:
* Vulnerability. I believe that just as AIDS does not cause cancer (it just makes you more vulnerable to it, and other diseases, by killing your immune system) Mental illness is not genetic itself– rather, MIDS (Mental Illness Immune Deficiency)TM ; makes people more vulnerable to certain mental illnesses, and in some cases mental illness in general.
My philosophical take on this is that mental illness is causes by spiritual vulnerability, and that this vulnerability is aggravated by high levels of spiritual energy (which when appreciateable is known as “creativity” *note that spiritual energy is not viewed only from a mystical sense (the popular connotation)– which would refer specifically to spiritual intuition, but to intuition in general (emotional/ social intuition, rational intuition, etc.– the latter being appreciateable as “logic”, or in more specialized forms such as “intellect”)
another variable to consider is that some people have less spiritual potential (their will is so weak they are more easily drowned by spiritual energy) which also makes people more vulnerable to spiritual energy.
but my point, as a “nurturist” is, that although people are born genetically more vulnerable to certain mental illnesses, whether or not it actually manifests, or even matters, depends on how they are raised, and raise themselves.
I know what it means to be normal. as a person who has hated the world who rejected me for being different, I am obsessed with what I hate because I hate it– that is by knowing what “normal” is, I can better ‘control’ that aspect of reality.
but of course, I will not become that which I hate. to become “normal”, I must first want to be. unfortunately, I don’t know what I want, because the “I” that wants is too complicated for even I after all this time to understand, let alone control. I can only control that which I know. I think that most people can’t control themselves hardly at all because they barely know themselves, but that’s not mine to judge– and besides, it turns out control isn’t all it’s cut out to be– I would know.
hopefully I can get to the point where I can both accept myself and the world— at least a little of both. that balance would bring me closer to the happiness I so long for. I could become a person who loves the world, and become perceptively perfect– and be happy, as I long to be. But the problem with that- even if I was happy, I wouldn’t be me. so what it comes down to- once again, is pride. I know my potential, and I feel compelled to fulfill it, even at the cost of my happiness. is that my Ego? I don’t think so. The Ego, although without it I would not have an identity, at the same time it is not the identity- it is perception itself, and thus the means by which to perceive the identity. I don’t believe the identity to exist outside perception (it’s an illusion), so the Ego and identity go hand-in-hand. The Ego is pretty much the organizer- the management– the superficial shell by which we can appreciate the self. The validator of illusion.
I believe in the model that the self is composed of 3 things: The heart. soul, and will. In Dualism, reality is composed of two worlds, and some layers that bridge together these worlds– the Material world– finite and thus imperfect, and the Spiritual world, infinite and thus perfect; I believe to a great extent in a Dualistic philosophy- and in this context, “personal” requires finity, and thus falls under the “Material world”.Intuition, being infinite and perfect, has no form– how we perceive it (Ego), how it reflects upon us (SuperEgo), and how our desires coincide with it (Id) determine what form it takes.
The heart is the “personal” form of the “SuperEgo” (where the SuperEgo is infinite), and is the product of a person’s emotional and social intuition, and how they make use of it (depending on how it reflects upon them (all social and emotional intuition comes from (a) sending/receiving spiritual energy and (2) the perception that those that send and receive are people. To use a common example, young girls often have their first social interactions not with their parents, but with trees and flowers– they have an undeveloped Ego (and thus perception), and so are not hindered by it. I have a very undeveloped SuperEgo, to the point that there is little difference to me between watching anime and ‘normal’ social interaction– which makes watching anime appealing, because I am usually accepted (depending of course on who I side with, or if I side with anyone. Because when I am rejected by people when I am “being myself”, it’s no wonder anime would be so attractive to me. But because of that, I am quite literally “heartless”.
The Soul, as I discovered very recently in a post that I will write tomorrow, is the Ego. This is probably why I was so interested in the soul– control is an essential for one who hates the world. Now because I have it, I no longer hate the world, but hate myself instead. Perhaps now that I’ve seen both sides, I can find a balance, but that’ll have to wait for another post. *Note that when I say ”physical”, I’m referring to that which is perceivable– that which we, as ‘people’, can appreciate.– also, the Ego is definitely infinite, where the the Soul is finite.* Even though the soul would more accurately be the ‘physical’ manifestation of the Ego, there isn’t much difference besides that– you could say that the Ego is a “universal”, and the Soul is a “particular”, only both in a more “spiritual” sense.
It’s ironic that the Soul would be the manifestation of the Ego, because before that would seem like I was downplaying the soul, but especially in light of Hinduism/Buddhism, now it makes perfect sense. The idea that we lose our memory and identity, start off as an empty slate, but still have a “self”, if we lost of SuperEgo and Id, but maintained an Ego, it all works out. The Ego technically would be enough to be considered the “perceptible” self, and since the Ego pretty much is perception, that’s all that really matters, at least as far as “people” are concerned.
Finally the Id is our Will– obviously, because it’s the Id that wants, but knows not what it wants. Of all the aspects of the self, I’ve found the Id to be the most mysterious. I think that when it comes down to it, the Id is the part of us that drives us to experience things– anything, indiscriminately. In its purest form, it would probably be chaos incarnate. I believe that if there is one quality that everyone is purposely born with (decided by the Logos, in my view), is curiosity. Some have it more than others, but this drive to live life through experience is something that can be considered universal, and so I would consider one of the rare truths so vital that it permeates humanity to the extreme of being unanimous in applicability.
One really important thing to point out, although you should have already noticed, is that despite the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo being infinite, they have two apparently finite aspects: (1) a name, and thus an identity, and (2) a purpose, which clearly restricts their supposedly infinite potential. Granted, going by my original definition of finite, this analysis would be contradictory and invalid. But I’ve found that to presume something to be infinite in the strictest sense would be impossible since, because I’m limited by my perception, to try to even imagine anything which is infinite would be absurd to say the least, and blasphemy to be dramatic. Thus, when I say “infinite”, I mean “infinite” in iterative potential.That is, infinite potential to follow the patterns that the Logos provides. It’s not clear to me whether the Logos is “truly infinite”, but although I don’t believe it to be, that’s already extended way beyond my perception.
In addition to the Self as analyzed above, I believe there to be another “self”, which exists primarily outside perception, and ultimately determines our true nature and purpose. That self, for lack of a better world, I’ll for now refer to as the “Spirit”.
Originally, I would have thought of the Spirit as something that some had and others didn’t (as I would have written about in “Souless”, but that post has now been cancelled) but I’ve realized that a lot of my thought and philosophy has been biased by a tendency towards extremist, a.k.a. black-and-white perspectives. Such an approach makes it far easier to make sense of things, because abstract concepts are many times only able to be understood when thought of in an extreme, exaggerated manner, but it also is imbalanced, and based in a huge bias, by valuing the ends way above the means.
Taking that into account, I’ve shifted my thinking to a premise of reality, and its underlying aspects, are incremental in nature, and that the existence and validity thereof is irrelevant. So it’s not that some people don’t have a Spirit, it’s that some have more than others, and that some have so little that they perceptively don’t have a Spirit. Following this model also makes me more optimistic about my ideal of perfection– even though I know that it’s impossible for anyone to become perfect, perceptive perfection is definitely attainable, and if I can’t tell the difference, it might as well be perfect. The incremental model is also in harmony with Relativity, which is itself a core component of the Logos.
