A Brighter Future

(copied from two emails)

I don’t know what to do, and it seems I will only hurt people while I make up my mind. When it comes to the internet, I am far more healthy in my relationships- there is no need to put on a face, to worry about how they feel.

On the Internet, everyone is connected, so there’s no need to worry about that. On the Internet, I don’t need to worry about who others really are, or who I am- the self we project on the Internet is itself who we are- we decide who we are through how we choose to present ourselves, and that image becomes who we are.

I’m sick of having to worry about reaffirming things that should be obvious- should be natural. The real world is limiting my life, and I was never meant to be part of the real world anyway. But you tell me- what should I do. I can’t be in the real world without being fake.

You think I’m nicer in person…well, that’s because I’m fake in person. If you haven’t realized this already, you should know that truly nice, or superficially perfect people are usually fake.

On the Internet, I don’t have to be fake. That is probably why I feel it is close to my true self.

I’m tired of waiting. I don’t think this fakeness will ever turn to a real me, because I know the world- not even you, will accept the real me. I’m tired of maintaining this fake relationship, of trying to maintain an image so that I won’t be hated.

I don’t want you to hate me, but if I acted according to my true self, you would definitely hate me. I know you well enough to know this. Because it would be unfair to force myself on the world, there is only one place to run:

The Internet

Because I know that my true self is, in the eyes of the world- a criminal. You should just stop the in-person visitation, because it is torture to me, and a waste of time, since the person you are spending time with isn’t me, but an image put up because I’m afraid, because I know you hate my true self.

“I heard about this Dr. on KQED TV who got rid of a boy’s autism by taking him off foods which contained gluten and dairy products. I don’t know if it is true. But I know you are very good at research and that you could find out the details.”

This is something I feel very strongly about: autism, Aspergers, and any mental disorder, illness, etc. are never caused by genetics or mind-altering substances of any kind– they are all strictly behavior. So if someone is claiming that a change of diet gets rid of any kind of mental illness, I’m going to have to call bullshit on that.

“If it truly works, perhaps it will works for Aspergers.”

Since it seems you’ve misunderstand my feelings about Asperger’s, let me make a few things perfectly clear:

I don’t see Aspergers as a problem for me, or something that would hinder my potential; on the contrary- without it I cannot reach my potential. Since I’ve expressed difficulties, challenges, and social problems that I’ve associated with Aspergers, you probably misunderstood and thought that I don’t want Aspergers. But it’s quite the opposite- it is very important to me.

It makes me wonder if you ever really think about me (as supposed to thinking about you and me), that you have not realized this until now.

If I really wanted to get rid of the problem, I would want to take medication, therapy, and other treatments. I would see psychiatrists and psychologists, and probably resort to holistic and metaphysical (i.e. mystic) solutions, since they are probably more effective. I would probably smoke 420 and shrooms- anything to loosen up and enhance my social life. If I wanted to get rid of it, I would have probably stayed on medication.

But clearly, I don’t do any of that. To begin with, I have several far more serious mental illnesses (attachment disorder, disassociative disorder, AD[H]D, Bipolar, Schizoid personality disorder, Schizoaffective disorder, etc. Asperger’s is a comparably mild illness.

I see it not has a setback or a problem, but as a gift, and a worthy challenge. Nothing in life comes for free, so I can say with confidence that the symptoms of my mental illnesses, including Asperger’s, are the price that I pay for the advantages of my illnesses– thus, they are not illnesses- more of a tradeoff. This is part of why I believe “life is a tradeoff”.

To begin with, they are considered “illnesses” not because they are detrimental to a person’s mental health (that’s just the rationalization people give for something they do not understand, to justify their fear of it).

Rather, anyone with a mental illness has a considerably different view of reality than the consensus, and so that they might maintain an illusionary level of control over such individuals, society labels
them “mentally ill”.

Normally, people try their very best to understand each other, that they might reconcile differences with each other’s realities, thereby developing intimacy by sharing, merging, and bonding with each other.

But society found that this didn’t work with crazy folk because their realities are so drastically different– thus, attempting to take crazy people seriously produced massive amounts of drama. This is likely how mentally ill folk came to be considered “Satanic”, or “demon-possessed.”

However, society found that by labeling something as an “illness”, It can then be understood that because a person’s behavior is so crazy, there is no need to try to reconcile their reality, since it’s impossible to understand the incomprehensible anyway.

But as for me, I have no illnesses- I have high (and thus partially uncontrolled) levels of spiritual energy and creativity, and an enormous amount of potential once I succeed in harnessing that
energy, rather than letting it harness me.

Just as I gained mental illness in exchange for my social life and mental well-being, I intend to trade time, dedication, and effort to get the the social life and overall well-being that I rightfully deserve.

“I don’t understand, Kurutio I. Matthias, what is the meaning of it?”

Kurutio Ishin Matthias is a semi-fictional name I made that I intend to make my online Internet alias. It would break down as follows:

Matthias: the meaning as it applies to me is still a mystery,but is based in part upon the Biblical figure, Saint Matthias, who replaced Judas following the betrayal.

Kurutio Ishin: It’s a combination of Japanese, an anagram, and general intuition. If broken down, it would mean the following:

Ku= Japanese for “suffering”

Kurushii= Japanese for “frustration”, “pain”, “torture”, “agony”, etc.

Kuru= Japanese for “come[s]“, “it’s coming”, etc.

Ishin= Japanese for “soul”, “will”, “willpower”, etc.

Shin= Japanese for ”true”, ”extend”, ”new”, ”heart”, ”progress”, etc.

[Kur]–>”utio Ishin” = an anagram for the word “Intuition”

If translated, it would mean [roughly]

“Spiritual Knowledge Comes Through Suffering”.

“Soke Cateso” is a far more original name, and is actually something I thought up right now while after realizing that The above translation would make a nice acronym (SKCTS), I adapted the letters to Japanese syllabic form (with the exception of the “C”, which would be changed to a”Ka”…since that word is used as the equivalent of a question mark in Japanese, my leaving it as “Ca” is a sort of inside joke, as it’s like I’m intentionally “hiding the question”).

‘…it seems I will only hurt people while I make up my mind.’  “Make up your mind to do what?”

What I want out of life? That’s a pretty abstract aspect of my life– perhaps it may be that what I really need to do is stop taking life so seriously. I may need to stop trying to make up my mind.

Indecisiveness is one of my greatest weaknesses.

What is comes down to as that the world won’t accept me, so I have three main choices regarding this:

(1) reject the world who rejected me, and life my life as I please, regardless of the consequences. this life will either result in me causing a massive-scale revolution in the world, or will shorten my life significantly via getting myself, killed, imprisoned, and/or hated.

(2) block out the real world completely, and live out my life virtually via the Internet, creating a potentially priceless level of meaning out of an otherwise meaningless life.

(3) choose to adapt myself to society, forcing myself to be the person people wanting to me, achieving a meaningless but pleasurable existence by trading my identity for happiness.

That’s the choice that I must make. But I know now that I am not ready to make the choice, and probably won’t be for at least a year or two.

Just as I anticipate the ending of the novel I’m writing (Essence of the Soul), I can feel the end of this Journey, and with all my heart I wish to skip to the end of it, so that I might able to move on with my life. I see the potential, feel the beauty, and sense the possibilities, as if it’s all right within my grasp. But somehow, I’m not ready for it.

Someday I’ll be able to reconcile my knowledge and my feelings with those of society, and develop fruitful and intimate relationship with others, not despite those knowledge and feelings, but because of them.

Right now I’m independent because my view of reality is so radically different from the norm, and for that reason, When I finally achieve a bond- built on trust and intimacy, and love- with friends and relatives, I will have achieved the seemingly impossible, having both complete dependence and independence simultaneously– true and complete interdependence.