Erin

Dearest Erin, I love you and trust you so much! If you would accept my love, we would be together forever, because I know without a doubt that I would never leave you. But I have known from the day that we met that you have never loved or trusted me. You have said that you do, but every time that I heard it your feelings leaked through, and I knew that you were just saying it because it felt so right.

Both of us have emotional issues and chemical imbalances, but it’s becaus terribly clear that while I can handle this relationship, you cannot. I have had the advantage of a few years dedicated to knowing myself. But even now, you have closed your mind, not only to me and to the world, but to yourself as well.

You remind me so much of what I was like four years ago: going with the flow, no real direction, naive and ignorant of the world around me– content to live in my own little world. Bakc then, I would be happy just to live my entire life watching anime, reading manga, listening to music- happy living in my own world. There I was safe, and had some degree of peace of mind. For me to escape from myself, that was– and even now is– the closest thing to happiness for me.

But one day I woke up, and realized that I didn’t know who I was. I could no longer go with the flow, could no longer live in my own little world. That’s where it all started: I needed to find my purpose.

Every time I see you, I wonder when you too with wake up, and try to find yourself.

One thing that I realized, as Plato did in his “Allegory of the Cave”, is that these kind of things can’t just be known, they must be understood as well. Even though you know that you are lost, I know that you have not yet accepted it. I don’t blame you- to face oneself is one of the most difficult things that anyone must do. I can’t make you face yourself- I can only implore you do do so. I can only hope that you will gain the resolve you need to take the plunge.

Every time you’ve broken up with me, I knew that you would, and I also knew that youl would eventually apologize to me, and try to get back together with me. It made me feel really helpless, knowing that you would break up with me, and not being able to do anything about it– that even when we got back together again, our happiness would be short-lived. When you started talking about your dad harassing you, I already knew that you were going to break up with me soon. As your boyfriend, and the one you trust most (albeit even then very little), I am the natural scapegoat.

You can’t handle your own emotions, and so everything in this relationship– everything that you have done has been decided by your emotions. I have known this for quite some time (from the moment you broke up with me the first time), so when you started talking about how angry you were with your dad, I already knew you would get carried away, like you always do. Everyone else I told about it was surprised, but I was not surprised in the least. In my eyes, it was an inevitability, because I know you that well.

A few years ago, I watched a movie which, like countless other romantic dramas, problems in the relationships were caused by misunderstandings. Havoc was wrecked by a simple lack of trust. So since then, I made a promise to myself that I would never make decisions based on changes in information. I would commit to being able to see past the superficial data, and find the beauty hidden beneath appearances. I would trust and love not just the you that I know, but all of the parts of you that I don’t know- the you that you have hidden from me.

But you aren’t able to understand these things as I do, and I can’t make you understand, as much as I wish I could. I could tell you every time that you play games with me, that you let your emotions control you, are lying to me, escaping from reality– living in your own world, abusing me…But that wouldn’t make any diference. Even if you were to change your decisions- even if reminding you of your mistakes would keep us together, it wouldn’t be a relationship built on love and trust. It would be a relationship built on the manipulation of data.

I could totally make that kind of relationship work, but to me, that would be meaningless.

To say that I love you and trust you with my whole heart would not be completely true. Only one of my my personalities loves and trusts you more than anything– wants to explore and experience you constantly…That’s Kurutio. Th3g1vr loves and trusts you a great deal, but keeps his distance so that he might better understand you. As for Matthias…He doesn’t give a shit about you. He only bears with Kurutio and Th3g1vr because he sees your potential.

You and I both have problems, but only I recognize and accept them. I have a feeling that you will one again try to get back together with me, so I’m writing this leter as a response to that. In one word, that response would be “No!”, but I know that, because I love you so damn much, if you were ever to ask me to get back together with you again, all my resolve and effort to get over you would melt away as I turn to mush in your presence. If I even get over you, it’s going to take everything in me to.

While most people see multiple personalities as being a problem, I of all people know just how advantageous it is. In fact, I originally created these personalities a couple years ago (in my still-untyped post “For the Record”) with these kind of circumstances in mind. A defense mechanism. I didn’t want to lose my trust in people again, so I decided that should you break up with me again, I would let Matthias take charge– dominate my life. When Matthias take charge, I can’t trust anyone, but at the same time, nothing can hurt me either, because her is in complete control.

Someday we may be friends again, but for the rest of my time here at Job Corps, the Justin you knew will be asleep. Th3g1vr will stay awake, but as he tends to keep his distance, his presence probably won’t make any difference.

My life is officially *on lock*

Note: even though I say this now, I have yet to be able to let Matthias take over. Kurutio just loves you too damn much!

Someday you will be able to understand these things as I do, and accept the things that I know you must. You will face yourself, and see the shit that your life has become- just as I had to. Just as the whole world will have to.

But until that day comes, Farewell is such a sweet sorrow. Best Wishes, Justin.