All Apologies

When I decided to come to Job Corps, I hoped that there I would be able to find myself– that by being surrounded by people my age, I might get back what I lost so long ago: trust, sentimentality, bonding, love, respect, friendship, happiness– these are things that I took for granted most of my life.

The one irony that I don’t find this least bit funny– I couldn’t appreciate the beauty and purity of these things until long after I had given up on them.

I wrote about this at the beginning of this little journey of mine, so in a way you can say this is “karma catching up with me”.

The past several months I’ve felt so empty inside, and have tried to fill that emptiness with a sense of belonging. Most people will provide validation for this, which is perhaps what drew me to socialize with others. The only problem was, my heart wasn’t in the right place.

I didn’t care about other people- heck , I didn’t even care about myself. All of this time I’ve been drifting through life– no real direction, just trying to maintain status quo.

Eventually people catch on, and I suppose I’ve developed a social detachment as a defense for that. Perhaps I subconsciously make them catch on, as a sort of passive self-sabotage. There was a point in my life where I cared, but I know that even then, I never cared enough.

I’ve used and abused so many people, and ruined many relationships with people– most of them I screwed up from the start. To have such one-sided friendships feels so fake,  so perverted. Once I realized this– how I was treating people– I almost gave up on friendship; for a while I had given up on them– on having any real relationship at all.

It’s been so long since I actually stopped to appreciate the beauty of this world– nature, people, and even life itself. I’ve been so self-absorbed in this self-righteous quest for the meaning of life, that I’ve forgotten what it means to really live– forgotten what it means to experience things instead of just think about them, and how to share my experiencs with others; and more importantly, to allow others to share their experiences with me.

Every once in a while, I wake up from this melancholic dream I’m usually having, and then I realize that the world is passing me by– that as time goes on and I continue dreaming, the gap between the real world and my own widens.

At first it was interesting, entertaining, and exciting. It felt as if I had surpassed the world– surpassed reality itself. But as time goes on, things look more and more fake– when I actually stop the experience the world, and take time to share experiences with others, I quite literally can’t believe my eyes– it feels like a deception, like I’m living in a dating sim. Yet i know that it’s real.

For this reason, I have been afraid of other people, and of the real world. All of this time, I’ve survived through conditioned responses– I never thought about what I said– never paid attention to anything or anyone– I’ve been ignoring the world all this time. As expressed first by Linkin Park, I’m afraid that if I actually take anything or anyone seriously, that I’m about the break.

The person that people know me as is not me– it’s a shell of conditioned responses– psychological algorithms. I’m not only a bitch in this respect, but a pussy as well. I’m afraid of actually experiencing life, because I know that I don’t recognize it, and I also know that it doesn’t recognize me.

But I’m ready to live– to experience life now. I didn’t realize this before, because I was too afraid to see it, but the happiness, friendship, love, and all the other experiences that await me– they make it well worth the risk. So there’s no need to be afraid. I have what it takes– I just need to accept it.

Up until now, I have failed all those that have supported and guided me all these years– failed my parents, falled my friends, falled all those who have inspired, supported, mentored, and trained me here at Job Corps. For that I apologize to you– to them wholeheartedly.

But even greater is my gratitude for them, and for you. You have inspired me to understand what it really means to live, and to communicate sincerely and naturally with others. You were the best Wake-Up call never, and I thank you for that. Finally, I have my freedom- freedom to live. It was there all this time, right underneath my nose.

It will be a little while yet, but I promise to do everything I can to actually live life- not just study and analyze it. I’ve gotten a second wind, and with it a second change– for that I am in your debt.

I will repay that debt- by living life to the fullest, so that I will make you proud– make all those who have made me who I am, and more importantly, who I will be, well up with joy.