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YARM (Yet Another ReMaster)
It’s ironic that I should begin typing this post now (this is one of the last posts this blog will have for a very long time!), not only because I am about to embark on a new journey (Ego Death), but also because, perhaps as a result of the anticipation associated with this journey, I’m going through another, albeit minor identity crisis as I write this post.
I’m guessing that right now you’re thinking, ‘how could I (the author), who knows far more abotu himself than (presumably) anyone else on the face of the planet, have an identity crisis?” At first that is the very same question I asked myself, which in turn (by benefit of the “Why?” factor) led to the realization that the trouble lies not with whom I am, but who I was.
As first explained in “Waking Up”, I have little memory of my past, in large part due to the manipulation of psychologists and government officials, while I was in my most vulnerable state.
This is the root of the crisis: most individuals determine their identity from their pasts (they know who they are by referencing who they were– ignoring the highly ironic self-referential paradoxes inherent in such falacies, of course). We cannot easily determine who we are from the present, as everything is constantly changing. While that past is perceptively static, the present is dynamic.
Of course, there are instances in which the past changes (for example– to believe in lies, or have one’s memory modified, clarified, dulled, recalled– not to mention the inherent fragmentation and imperfection of everyone’s memory)- but nevertheless, the past is a universally innate source of security for all self-aware entities– even God himself.
This is why (as evidenced by history) we have such a strong desire to seek out our origins (roots, genetics, evolution, geneology– and our creator). All of this, as I first discovered while writing “Pride”, is for the sake of validating our existence.
This I know without a doubt: unless I find a source of security that is stronger, ti is crucial that I recover the past that I have lost– only then will I be able to progress in life with a solid psychological foundation.
Note: for more information on the reasons why I am unable to recover my past, see my “Requiem of a Dream” post.
After thinking about it for sometime, the confusion has subsided, and the truth became clear. My uncertainty about the past did not come from distortion of the memories themselves, but an overwhelming and sudden realization that my past had no memories of emotions in it, and as a result, my memories of the past had no meaning.
Without emtoions, that which adds color to each person’s life, any memories feel dead and uncertain, since they are no more than facts and opinions, events and data. The lack of substance in my past had become a source of anxiety and existentialism, leading to this crisis.
Now that I understand this, I can sometime feel peace, if only a little. I may not know who I am, but I am certain that there is a wonderful and very important purpose for this.
That I have no emotional memory of the past sets me apart from other people– gives me a feelign of dignity, that I have been chosen out of all the world as one who would carry out that which is necessary to preserve the Balance in the world– in the most ultimate sense.
While I may not have a past, I do have a future. Perhaps life is better this way– letting our future determine who you are, rather than your past.
When one’s past determines who they are, there is indeed a firmer foundation, as the self is based on memories that did indeed occur, and can be remembered, thus providing a level of security.
On the other hand, while the future is unknown and thus unreliable, we are the one’s that determine the future, ultimately. If one let’s their future determine themself, that allows you to have full control over who you become, and you are about to continuously evolve, improve, and change.
So in light of this, I’ve decided that I am lucky not to know who I am, because as I result there is nothing stopping me from being whatever I want to be.
Freewill is then made possible through the future. That is the main advantage that humans have over the rest of nature, after all– we have a future, through this unique trait, we can be both free and have a will.
