As I delve deeper into Christianity, setting aside preconceptions in the hope of attaining deeper truth, I’m constantly plagued by anxiety regarding the validity of my faith. For a while now, it has been my belief that faith, due to its passionate nature, permits anyone, even the intelligent and intellectual, to believe in that which would appear illogical, even absurd beliefs. Even now, I believe this to be true. That being the case, I am in continual confusion as to whether or not I’m adopting these beliefs because I want to, and that the actual motive lies not in “because I know it to be true”, but that some other part of me felt that such beliefs were necessary, even if they were false, to fulfill another need.
I know that I used to be a Christian, and every so often, I wistfully recall the past, longing for the innocence that I was, the potential that lay before me, the beauty that was the world, and my own life. It would be a lie to say that, to one extent or another, I would give up this life for the one of 5 years ago, or the one of 10 years ago. A couple years ago, I wrote a post telling of how I had lived several incarnations within this single life– and even now, it still feels like that. Though I might have appeared the same, and perhaps was characteristically similar, with each “incarnation”, I remember the old me dying, and a new, distincly different me, taking over where the last left off.
A part of me does feel that become a Christian will revive that past, but even if it did, such a past would not be real- not any more than dressing up in a Vampire costume on Halloween makes you a vampire.
As for truth– I can get into Christianity so much that I can temporarily forget what I truly believed. I hoped that, by doing this for a while, I might forget permanently, to the end that I would not be able to distinguish who I would become from who I was. If my theories are correct, that would be possible, but to what end?
Though I might rationalize that this is just “Satan” planting negative thoughts to lead me astray, I know better- these were my thoughts from the very beginning. Perhaps it might be semantics, but three things are certain:
(1) there is no way to know for sure that God exists.
(2) Even if there was, there is no way to know anything about him.
(3) I don’t want God to exist, because if he did my life would be meaningless. If God exists, then freewill is an illusion. I can only act within God’s will, which means that I am a mere puppet. Not only that, but God can destroy or change me at will, and I am easily replaceable.
This is not to say that I’ve giving up on this pursuit. I’m just confused. For me it’s never been about what I believe anyway, but “why” I believe it…
It’s really a matter of what I should live my life for, what I can live my life for. It’s about knowing what I want. What I’ve found is that “passion” and “desire” are two different things. Yes, perhaps it is semantics, but like it or not, that is how I’ve come to understand many things. While I have found passion by releasing my fears, that passion has given me no direction. There are so many things that I don’t understand. While life can be simple, it can also be complicated. Perhaps that’s just because I want it to be.
I heard that with every new answer received, several new questions arise, and I of all people know this to be true. I don’t know what I want to do, or what I should do, or even how I should do it, but I now know I can, and will do it. I now have what it takes to accomplish my potential. For that I am grateful. While perhaps I won’t be doing things the “right” way as dictated by Christianity, I also know that, if there is a God, that I am doing his will.
It’s not as if I’m ignoring God, or substituting him, and I’m not running away. I just recognize that understanding God’s will according to human standards is just like understanding a person using semantics. Regardless of what religion I have, or if no religion at all, if I’m so concerned with what I believe, or try so hard to force other’s beliefs on me, nothing will change. Living life in such a manner would be missing the whole point. Just by living life to my potential, and giving everything my best at doing what’s right, I’m already showing my appreciation as God’s creation.
th3g1vr - a philosophical journal 