Semantics

For a while now, I’ve had an almost unhealthy interest in semantics– specifically, the relationship between words, and the application of those relationships to reality- or more accurately, reality. But the semantics that I’m particularly interested in are not so much subjective as objective. In other words, although I am interested in the etymological value of words and linguistics in general, as well as the contextual value of words, these interest are actually motivated by a more specific interest: Myself.

Perhaps that might have caused some confusion, considering how out-of-place such an assertion might seem– in part because (although I did not realize it until I finished writing the above paragraph), It’s extremely difficult to sum up things like this in just a few sentences. So here’s some background, as to clarify the above vagueness:

There was a point where I thought that “the dream was ending”– that is, my journey for logically-deduced knowledge, and by extension the active updating of th3g1vr.com, would no longer be a priority. There was even a point where I seriously considering abandoning all that I knew in favor of a more secure, idealistic future. It was after that point (which was about 1 1/2 years ago) that I began to put a great deal of thought into what exactly I had come this far for- what was the whole purpose behind this journey.

At some point to that end, I began trying to wrap up what I’d written thus far, collecting what I had written, and putting together my remaining thoughts, and I was eventually to edit them into a publishable form, so that I might turn it into a book. This resolve is reflected in my post Preface. But in “Preface” is also something relevant to this post: Over time, I realized that my posts were inconsistent, and many times even contradictory. When I asked myself as to “Why?” this was the case, I recalled how the Bible, the “inspired word of God”, was also of a similar quality, having so many passages that appeared to contradict, and of an inconsistent nature- as if it was asking to be attacked.

It was then that I realized what it was that my writing and that of the Bible had in common: Semantics. That is, these imperfections only exist when taken out of context. The Bible is after all called “The Living Word of God” for a good reason: The contents of it extend beyond an ordinary understanding– to understand the Bible completely is beyond human ability. Like my own words, the words of the Bible has a significance that becomes greater, deeper, and more complex as the author(s) use them more, and as each new author builds on the contributions of past writings. For example, the writings of Jesus and Paul make extensive use of scriptures in the Old Testament, so if it is even possible to understand their writings, we’d have to first have a complete understanding of their thoughts each time they wrote, and also of those in the old testament upon which their writing built; such a feat would be nothing short of psychic.

After all, as is demonstrated in my church youth group (and many times to my complete surprise) — the same words, and specifically the same Biblical passages, can mean something entirely different to everyone. Especially considering the philosophical nature of the Bible (and of course of my own writing) this makes it impossible to truly understand the Bible, even if one is “psychic”. “But what is impossible with man is possible with God”– that is why we must rely on the Holy Spirit, requesting God’s wisdom when reading it.

To apply this to my own words: I’ve found that over time, words that I’ve used, even if they originally were  based on the accuracy demonstrated in dictionaries and/or encyclopedias– I’ve incorporated words into my own thoughts, utilizing the relationships between various words (particularly those of a conceptual nature) to develop a deeper understanding of the nature of things– and over time, many of these words evolved in meaning, becoming more complex and specific, and sometimes more broad– and some of which becoming even “religious”.

As a result, certain words mean a great deal to me, because in my mind they represent several months of dedication. I don’t know if many other people have words they treasure this much like I do– to such an end that they might become defensive, irritated, over even greatly disturbed– as I sometimes inadvertently do, but I think that this shows just how much meaning “inspired word” can take on.

I surrender all

About 3 years ago, I stopped going to Crossroads Bible church, and about 6 months after that, I renounced Christianity. Although there were several factors leading up to this decision, it was for the most part very sudden, and everyone around me was taken off-guard by the level of resolve I had then- to the point even I was surprised. In retrospect, I recall the stereotypical drama scene in which lovers break up, because one of them realized that they had fallen out of love. I can empathize with such an individual, in that I had fallen out of love with Christianity, and I too had not realized it until the last moment. I had realized something that I did not want to- that the passion that I once had for serving God, and having a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, it had faded away, becoming nothing more than a relic of the past. By renouncing Christianity, I was not giving it up, but acknowledging that I no longer had it- a proverbial “burying my dead”

Since then, I dedicated myself to analyzing various concepts, most of which concerning motivation. After acquiring much knowledge and understanding, my journey began to learn more in the direction of self-analysis, and eventually I began to see how empty I had become. The more I tried to understand myself, the more I realized how much I was lacking- how most of “who I am” had become nothing but superficial conditioned responses. I was merely surviving, and motivated primarily by fear.

The more that I realized this emptiness, the more I longed for what I knew had filled it at one time- a personal relationship with our Lord. To achieve this, I tried to rationalize theories that justified a belief system that was compatible with my present theories and Christianity…a venture that failed miserably. Even after pondering it for weeks, there were still irreconcilable differences, and ones that I could not further compromise on- so I gave up.

A few months after this, I decided to go back to Crossroads, not to serve a God that I did not completely believe in, but to make friends, and through their support, expectations, and accountability, improve upon my own deteriorating life. Through the leaders of “The Ruckus” (our college group), I succeeded in this goal. But from the moment that I returned to Crossroads, God had already begun to work good in my spiritual life.

Through the guidance of friends around me, and my own genuine prayers to God to show me the way, I was able to be more honest with myself. I was able to see the fear, doubt, and chaos within my own life, and the scales in my eyes crumbled away. I was drawing towards despair, overwhelmed by my own unrighteousness, corruption, and the emptiness inside- those terrible feelings that I had denied all this time. But seeing that I had finally acknowledged my sin, God unburdened me from it, and at that moment it quite literally felt like an immense weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

It was then that I recognized God’s still small voice. I had heard God’s voice several times before, but I was so saturated by sin, and so bound in a protective castle of my own making, that I did not recognize his voice, being so self-absorbed in not getting hurt. Until then I heard, but did not understand. Now that I can lay myself bare before the Lord, I can hear his voice. Even now, when I acknowledge those feelings which plague me, I feel that same wonderful feeling, a refreshment that is amazingly similar to casting off a great burden. Now I can understand what Isaiah experienced when writing this verse:

Isaiah 40:31 (New King James Version)

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Today, I once again acknowledged my guilt, and asked the Lord to show me the way. God spoke to me again, and revealed to me where I was lacking: Pride. In these last couple years, I had dedicated myself not to serving God, but to justify a world where his existence was not necessary. One thing that I wanted above all, was control. Through my own reasoning, I built up a concept of life where God’s existence was not necessary, one that- in my own mind, I was in complete control. By gaining knowledge of motivation, I gained confidence in my own understanding of things, and my behavior was of one that assumed himself to always be right, taking pride in my own self-proclaimed enlightenment, and approaching concepts with perspectives that I believed only I could truly claim ownership of. I did not think in this manner, but looking back now, how I did think was merely a cover by which to justify my conceited self-righteousness.

Now I realize that even if I could reconcile my own theories with that of Christianity, it would not make any difference, because such a relationship would be one-sided. If God’s existence, nature, and purpose is only valid under my terms, to be that kind of Christian would only be mocking God. If I am to serve the most High, I must surrender all. A true relationship with God requires that I give up my pride, and let God take control of my life. God does not compromise, so I cannot serve him under my own terms. Revelation 3:15-18 (New King James Version):

15 “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. 16 So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. 17 Because you say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked— 18 I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see.

Through pride I was driven by fear and doubt to sin, but through trusting in the Lord, surrending all to Him, I can act with love driven by my desire to serve him, and in doing so bring about His righteousness. Without love, I am nothing.

Trust Fall

Intuition

“Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever” (Genesis 3:22)

Since I was a young child, and even now, the first impression that I got from this verse, is that by eating from the tree, man had acquired all knowledge- effectively becoming omniscient. But this does not appear to be the case, as we do not know everything, and if we did, life would seem rather pointless.

But what if we did know everything, but were only not aware of that knowledge? It is my belief (and this is one that the Bible appears to support, and several times throughout it) that God hides knowledge from himself, so that he may first be able to appreciate himself (which from my understanding of things would otherwise not be possible), and second so that he might develop his relationship with us naturally (which otherwise would not be possible because God would already know our destination before we are born, as well as everything else about us- such a relationship would have no merit to it)

If we are made in God’s image, and we have knowledge of all things, then we would likely hide that knowledge from ourselves for the same reasons. Not only that, but our physical, imperfect, and mortal selves would not able to hold all of the knowledge in the universe- at least not uncompressed.

That’s right, uncompressed. There is no known limit to how much it’s possible to compress information, and I think that there isn’t one. From my experience with archivers, however, the extent to which we can compress data is limited by the system resources, in particular those of the memory (RAM) and the processor (CPU). We already know that some of our memories are easier to retrieve than others for this very reason- it takes more brainpower to extract memories that were made years ago, and ones of things that are less important to us. Everyone can relate to the experience of suddenly remembering things that happened a long time ago, and sometimes for no immediately apparent reason.

But what I noticed in particular about the nature of memory extraction, is that there almost always is a good reason for why we remember anything. Education is in fact build around this framework- it’s always easier to recall memories if there is some object or concept in the present (right now) to serve as a catalyst to recall these memories. That’s also a proven means of amnesia recovery.

I believe that we are effectively omniscient, but the unfathomably vast majority of knowledge is locked away in our brain. To unlock all of the knowledge of the universe, supposing that is the case, would be impossible because anyone would die long before we even scratched the surface, even if we were to develop a means of extraction in the first place.

That is where Intuition comes in. Be it physical knowledge (instinct, etc.), emotional knowledge, spiritual knowledge (i.e. psychics) logical knowledge– intuition is how we access those infinite depths of knowledge, without “knowing” it. I like to think of it is the human version of Direct Memory Access (DMA). Well then again, comparing intuition to DMA would do it an injustice- it’s completely out of its league.

That is, we “intuitively” access whatever knowledge we want, on an as needed basis. But using intuition requires a catalyst- that is, there has to be a direct reason to access that knowledge- I think that we have a natural safeguard in place, to prevent “biting off more than we can chew”. This is a milestone post, as I’ve been thinking about this for a while. One of the first posts that I wrote about this is here, and these thoughts were also reflected in the first chapter of Essence of The Soul.

It’s very interesting thinking of it like this– I keep getting visuals of the replicators feeding on Daniel’s knowledge of the Ancients and Stargate SG-1. Pretty much, we are (objectively) one Soul, but are subjectively separate individuals. As the Soul attains more knowledge, we evolve and reproduce to better accomodate that knowledge. Just as replicators might access their knowledge through a link, we subconsciously access what knowledge that we [truly] need, using intuition.

True Independence

I have a theory, which began developing in this post, that humans and souls have a symbiotic relationship, and that evolution is the manifestation of spiritual progress, although since I wrote that post my thought has “evolved” significantly, to the point that such a theory is almost obsolete. But it still is important, in that is represented the beginning of a fruitful pursuit of spiritual, rational, and intuitive knowledge, as well a greater focus on what has since become the topic I am most obsessed with- motivation.

After watching NGE (for the second time), I began developing another theory regarding the soul: The soul is both one and infinite; thus the objective and subjective perspectives are equally true. Who I am is not limited to myself, but to everything else in existence, and vice versa. Thus, we are all both perfect and imperfect, strong and weak, dependent and independent. This being the case, can “true independence” exist, given these assumptions?

Ironically, the answer is both “yes” and “no”. From a subjective perspective, independence is inherently impossible, and dependence is a necessity. From and objective perspective, it’s the opposite- because objectivity requires independence, it cannot be dependent.

This view does certainly imply that objectively, we are God; so, as to not blaspheme the most high, I must note that “true independence” is achieved not through action, but through thought.

One universally accepted Christian belief: Christians are not bound by the law, and so do not follow it out of obligation or fear. Rather, having the desire to serve the Lord, which comes from the Holy Spirit which is in us, we do what is right naturally- thus, it’s not that the law was wrong, it’s that it’s no longer necessary. (The law exists not for those who follow it, but those who would break it).

In the same way, by having a perspective of true independence, and passion to match it, our actions will naturally be truly independence, because our actions are the product of our beliefs and passions thereof.

So what then is this perspective? I’m new to this, so take what I’m about to say “with a grain of salt”, although, for now, I hold the following to be true: How we view others, and how others view us- these perspectives are not others’, but our own. When we think we know certain things about others, that is not their knowledge, but our own. Everyone views the same people differently– so does that mean that there are many different people in one? Perhaps, but- that being too complicated of a theory, I’d rather like to think that the person is the same, and they are viewed differently because that knowledge is only true to those that perceive, and not of the ‘object’ of perception.

In other words, we only know each other subjectively, and such knowledge is objectively false or incomplete. We may not even know ourselves objectively.

Although this question is irrelevant to this post, I want to put it out there, should anyone wish to answer, along with telling how they reached their conclusion: Is objective knowledge impossible?

In either case, following the above assumptions: Even if there are separate individuals from myself, and they communicate their own thoughts to me, by understanding, receiving, and applying their thoughts, they become my own, because, though they might know what they wanted to convey, I only know what I understood. In other words, knowledge is objective, but understanding is subjective. I’ll explain the implications (and importance) of this in later posts.

But from such a perspective, I have realized one new thing: if the relationship between knowledge and understanding is trivial semantics, then knowledge and understanding are one and the same: knowledge is “objective truth” (that which is perceived) whereas understanding is “subjective truth” (perception itself)

One of the ideals of Buddhism is the importance of “casting away all worldly desires” as these cause suffering. For the most part I agree with such a philosophy, but now I can reap from this another insight: “casting away all worldly desires” might be another way of saying “discard all subjective thought”. Assuming that such a thing is possible, doing so would inevitably result in attaining objective truth– the equivalent of being enlightened. Interesting!

Conflict of Interests

As I delve deeper into Christianity, setting aside preconceptions in the hope of attaining deeper truth, I’m constantly plagued by anxiety regarding the validity of my faith. For a while now, it has been my belief that faith, due to its passionate nature, permits anyone, even the intelligent and intellectual, to believe in that which would appear illogical, even absurd beliefs. Even now, I believe this to be true. That being the case, I am in continual confusion as to whether or not I’m adopting these beliefs because I want to, and that the actual motive lies not in “because I know it to be true”, but that some other part of me felt that such beliefs were necessary, even if they were false, to fulfill another need.

I know that I used to be a Christian, and every so often, I wistfully recall the past, longing for the innocence that I was, the potential that lay before me, the beauty that was the world, and my own life. It would be a lie to say that, to one extent or another, I would give up this life for the one of 5 years ago, or the one of 10 years ago. A couple years ago, I wrote a post telling of how I had lived several incarnations within this single life– and even now, it still feels like that. Though I might have appeared the same, and perhaps was characteristically similar, with each “incarnation”, I remember the old me dying, and a new, distincly different me, taking over where the last left off.

A part of me does feel that become a Christian will revive that past, but even if it did, such a past would not be real- not any more than dressing up in a Vampire costume on Halloween makes you a vampire.

As for truth– I can get into Christianity so much that I can temporarily forget what I truly believed. I hoped that, by doing this for a while, I might forget permanently, to the end that I would not be able to distinguish who I would become from who I was. If my theories are correct, that would be possible, but to what end?

Though I might rationalize that this is just “Satan” planting negative thoughts to lead me astray, I know better- these were my thoughts from the very beginning. Perhaps it might be semantics, but three things are certain:

(1) there is no way to know for sure that God exists.

(2) Even if there was, there is no way to know anything about him.

(3) I don’t want God to exist, because if he did my life would be meaningless. If God exists, then freewill is an illusion. I can only act within God’s will, which means that I am a mere puppet. Not only that, but God can destroy or change me at will, and I am easily replaceable.

This is not to say that I’ve giving up on this pursuit. I’m just confused. For me it’s never been about what I believe anyway, but “why” I believe it…

It’s really a matter of what I should live my life for, what I can live my life for. It’s about knowing what I want. What I’ve found is that “passion” and “desire” are two different things. Yes, perhaps it is semantics, but like it or not, that is how I’ve come to understand many things. While I have found passion by releasing my fears, that passion has given me no direction. There are so many things that I don’t understand. While life can be simple, it can also be complicated. Perhaps that’s just because I want it to be.

I heard that with every new answer received, several new questions arise, and I of all people know this to be true. I don’t know what I want to do, or what I should do, or even how I should do it, but I now know I can, and will do it. I now have what it takes to accomplish my potential. For that I am grateful. While perhaps I won’t be doing things the “right” way as dictated by Christianity, I also know that, if there is a God, that I am doing his will.

It’s not as if I’m ignoring God, or substituting him, and I’m not running away. I just recognize that understanding God’s will according to human standards is just like understanding a person using semantics. Regardless of what religion I have, or if no religion at all, if I’m so concerned with what I believe, or try so hard to force other’s beliefs on me, nothing will change. Living life in such a manner would be missing the whole point. Just by living life to my potential, and giving everything my best at doing what’s right, I’m already showing my appreciation as God’s creation.

Experiencing God

In the last post of my blog emotional moksha (“Emptiness”), I acknowledged how lacking I felt about myself, and by releasing that burden to God, I was able to hear God’s voice for the first time. Well more accurately, I was able to recognize it. At the moment I realized these things, I remembered several times in the past that I had heard God’s voice, “the still small voice”, but I could not recognize him. I have been fervently pursuing God the last couple years, and a few months ago, in my desperation, called out to him, to help me find the way, to know what to do. About a month ago I started emotional moksha, but when I started it I did not realize that it would play a role in helping me experience God. I realize now that I could not hear God’s voice, despite my desire to, because I was so overwhelmed by the fear, doubt, and chaos shrouding my heart.

With all that has happened to me in the past, I’ve built up walls around my mind, within my psyche, to protect myself from the trauma I went through all those years. Those walls did save me in the long run, but I did not become aware of them until a few months ago. Because of those walls, I could not remember the emotions of the past, and could not recognize the emotions of the future. I felt neither fear nor passion, doubt nor affirmation, chaos nor peace. Or more accurately, I could not fully comprehend these feelings, though I felt them.

In doing so I had shielded myself not only of my feelings, but also of any influence. I did not change, and time went on without me. The armor of my heart protected me, but at the natural price of lacking the resolve to move forward, to improve upon myself. This armor of mine prevented me from hearing the voice of Satan, but I couldn’t hear the voice of God either (by hear I mean “recognize”). Furthermore, I could not truly understand others around me, because- just I could not feel my own warmth, I could not feel the warmth of others. I could not be hurt, but for the same reason I could not be comforted.

Even though I did not realize it, being numbed by the armor around my heart, I still had emotions- a great deal of them, and of every kind. Even though I was not aware of them, they were there, waiting to be released. After I asked for God to show me the way- no, even before that he had prepared the way. Thinking about it now, there are thoughts I had and people I encountered which, although it seemed at the time to be another step in my own thought process, or another inspiration in writing a book- sure I knew these things were significant, but I did not know that God was using these things to prepare the way for me, as I realize now. Since I heard God’s voice, I began to better understand his purposes- got to know him a little bit better.

One thing that I think is not emphasized enough, it what it truly means to be in a relationship with God. For example, “Why does God need us to pray to him, if he already knows what’s going to happen, even before we are born?” This is where my own thoughts about motivation come in. God created us for a reason- that is, we have a purpose. From what I’ve seen, the meaning of being part of God’s purpose is often ignored, when it shouldn’t be.

If God has a purpose for us, it means that- for whatever reason, he needs us. If God wants a relationship with us, it’s because he desires such a relationship, which means that such a relationship is of benefit to him, because it somehow assists with fulfilling that which he needs. One can also not love unless it fulfills a need- from which we might draw the conclusion that either “God can love and is imperfect”, or “God is perfect and cannot love”.

But that fails to take into account that God is the creator of all that is– which means that God alone decides what perfection is. God can be perfect and still need us, because he is God- that reason alone is enough. If anything, we perceive weakness and need as imperfect, simply because we are imperfect and our view of things are distorted. I believe that God intentionally created imperfect beings despite being perfect, so that he could appreciate his own perfection, through his relationship with us.

Once God had prepared the way for me, and I had realized in full the existence of the armor covering my heart, for the first time I faced myself, honestly and earnestly stood beside my own reflection. It was painful, troubling, terrible. Over 10 years worth of emotions, including a great deal of emotional trauma- began to implode from within, and I was overwhelmed. All of the feelings that I convinced myself to be lacking, including those of hatred, bitterness, anger, melancholy, loneliness- mostly negative feelings, after being pent up all those years, overwhelmed me.

But even before this, I had considered starting a blog about my emotional self, that I might better understand that part of me which at the time was still a mystery. I remembered the verse

Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the LORD,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

And started up emotional moksha, and each time I acknowledge the emotions overwhelming me, I literally feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from me- it really is an amazing feeling- each time like a miniature-miracle. And in the last post (the 3rd one total), as I wrote it, I experienced God for the first time.

It was then that I realized that the armor around my heart had prevented me from seeing my emotions, and that by acknowledging my emotions, and giving them to the Lord, I had been freed from what had prevented me from having a true relationship with God- what had prevented me from recognizing his voice. By giving up my fears, doubt, and chaos to God, for the first time since I was a child, I could appreciate the passion, intimacy, and commitment that can come from knowing God. But unlike as a child, I can now appreciate the beauty of it, and no longer take it for granted.

Hot Air

Considering that the primary focus of this blog is motivation, this will probably be the biggest breakthrough that I’ve written in a while, and will be for a while:

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the source of good and evil, and found a far greater clarity when studying it under the assumption that good and evil are not decisions chosen independently by sentient beings of their own accord, but are spiritual forces that greatly influence our actions. But of course, I don’t consider “spiritual forces” a religious concept- umbrella terminology might be a better way of putting it. So, to put it more “broadly”, good and evil are everywhere, like the air we breathe.

But I think of it like this: There are certain forces in the world- we do not cause any of them, and perhaps they were always there- in essence immortal, and without a doubt omnipresent. These forces that I am referring to are very similar to Plato’s Forms– in fact he was a great inspiration in this theory. That is, good and evil, sadness and happiness, beauty and ugliness- all of these various things were not created by us, but rather we are, to some extent, created by them.

One might assert that, in the case of (for example) ugliness, that we create the standards for ugliness, and thus without our standards ugliness would not exist. But this fails to address the fact that we would not create the standards unless there was a need- which means that this knowledge, despite having no valid emotional or logical benefit for it, knowledge of it exists. So in my own theory of forms, anything that such an assessment applies to is what I consider a “Form”.

So if our motivations are reliant upon these Forms, then what determines which forms- in this case “good” or “evil”, are we most heavily influenced by? But first, it’s important to determine what “good” and “evil” are: While good and evil are considered different in different cultures, nations, and even individuals- one thing is certain: The reason why a person considers something evil is because they (as a person, or in agreement with a group) perceive that thing, behavior, thought, or influence to be inherently destructive- that is, it in nature destroys certain thing(s) perceived as good. On the other hand, what is perceived as “good” is so because it is inherently creative- that is, it creates things that do not destroy, and/or creates things that destroy evil. Notice the irony- it’s actually important.

Regardless of whether this is actually the case, thinking of good and evil as omnipresent forces instead of antithetical but independent choices based in freewill- this new perspective brought to light a new and very enlightening understanding, regarding precisely why some become good and others evil:

A more recent determination was that the id, ego, and superego determine the means, and good and evil are not Forms, but rather measurements of the ends. But such an assessment is fundamentally flawed in that it fails to take into account the fact that some have good intentions, but destruction results- and that some have evil intentions, but they inadvertently contribute to benefiting humanity on some level.

I realized that a better way of looking at it was “balance” versus imbalance:

Thus, if we are to take into account the means, ends, and what’s in-between, it would be more accurate to think of it as “Negative” and “Positive”

Although I’ve drawn a chart that explains this much more thoroughly (and in time will become even more complete) Here are the primary motivating factors of both good (positive) and evil (negative):

Good: Passion, Control, and Expectations.

Evil: Fear, Chaos, and Doubt.

If you noticed that in the current order, they appear to be opposites, you are correct in that assumption. If you noticed that these correspond to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, we are definitely on the same page.

But, although Fear, Chaos, and Doubt are the primary motivators or destructive behavior, due to their nature they usually cannot manifest themselves in-and-of-themselves.

To put things into context. note that- from an evolutionary standpoint, motivators of “good” are close to the “Fight” response, while those of “evil” associate with “flight”- that is, good and evil, at least as influences, can be attributed to the “Fight or Flight Response“, although of course I’m also using that as an umbrella term, so don’t take it literally :P

What I like about this theory is that, even though it’s logical, the inevitable logical conclusion is that good will triumph in the end- that is, such an assertion is in fact logically inevitable if these assumptions are correct (and these assumptions are unbiased).

Why is such a conclusion logically inevitable? You’ll see…But first, an analogy:

The basics of firefighting (and I actually referenced a volunteer firefighter on this) cover, among other things, the three primary needs of any fire: ignition, oxygen, and fuel.

Personally, I don’t think there’s any better example for this post than that- because, as you might notice, it’s not too hard to compare them to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo- which conveniently would fulfill similar roles. That is, the Id (Passion) gives us the initiative to act (ignition), the SuperEgo gives us dreams and expectations by which to live out our passions (oxygen), and the Ego gives us the foundation, security, and thus control upon which to build our dreams and passions (Fuel).

So, having absorbed that information, consider the following:

Oxygen is normally considered a good thing (a necessity of all sufficiently complex living creations)– But suppose that, in an extremely high concentration of a good thing– what would happen? a huge explosion, and likely a fire- which lacking the control of a designated fuel source, is a bad thing.

It is ironic that, although good will prevail, that good is the very thing prevalent manifestation of evil possible. But I believe that this is a necessity.

But one thing appears certain- pure Control, which is based in an emphasis on acquiring knowledge indiscriminately, cannot be good or evil in-and-of-itself. But pure control, although it is something that I have reached to some degree, is impossible to attain in full, because humans are not perfect– not to say that such an attainment would amount to perfection- but that an imperfect being is inherently incapable of maintaining one sole emphasis in their motivation- especially considering the great number of ulterior motives present in humans, and likely all sentient beings.

But From what I can tell, the reason why a person might commit good or evil- these are dependent upon the catalyst (ignition), control (level of vulnerability) and dreams (expectations, conscience)

as far as whether or not someone is good or evil by nature, this new way of thinking makes it clear that, ultimately, this is determined by expectations. But this does not cure the problem- rather it has the same effect as medication has on mental illness- it only minimizes the symptoms- the problem still exists.

If dreams were reality, what determines the impact? When I created my own definition for “dream”, I was thinking something similar to this question. If we do not have control of our dream, that automatically means our dream is chaotic. If it is not a good dream, it is a bad (evil) dream. If dreams were reality, they would determine the direction of life-as-we-know-it; but the magnitude and impact of the dream depends on the strength of our desire, or conversely our fear. This is what I believe Revelation 3:16 “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.” was referring to.

Thinking about it like this makes sense of many things– for example, why it is that anti-racists actually antagonize things rather than reconcile them. It’s common knowledge that throwing water on an oil-based fire will only spread it. It might appear to put it out, but appearances are deceiving.

Consider Hitler, who killed and/or caused the killing and torture of thousands of Jews. Do you think that Hitler really hated Jews that much? Well he might have, but I don’t think that was his motivation. Hitler saw an impoverished country, an already-existing hate for Jews, and an evident desperation. Hitler wanted power so bad that he would do anything to get it. When such a strong passion exists, it outweighs any conscience, expectations, or self-control that might disagree with it. Although this is just my theory, Hitler wanted power so badly that he was consumed by it, to the point nothing mattered.

It’s not as if we cannot relate to such circumstances- we can definitely empathize on a small-scale. Anyone who has killed “enemies” in war should at least be able to understand Hitler’s feelings. In such circumstances, it’s “kill or be killed”, and survival takes first priority. As much as we might cherish the value of human life, human rights, personal morality, ethics, and so-called humanity; all of these are good as nothing- utterly irrelevant in the face of survival. Perhaps this is to be expected, but consider this: If we will do anything in war to protect our own lives, so much more anyone might do for something they value above their life. It could be said that Hitler wasn’t evil, he just had his priorities mixed up.

But what we consider good or evil is not because people actually are good and evil- such thinking is merely justification for pre-existing standards. When it comes down to it, what is considered good or evil is considered thus because, at least to those observing these standards, such definitions are for the best in terms of benefiting humanity. For example, there are many traffic laws that, for a skilled driver are not necessary. Why then is it evil to break the law? That is because the purpose of the law is not the following of it itself, But the impact it will have on everyone’s conscience, regardless of whether they break it or not. Laws all exist for one purpose: control.

Even though Passion is a good thing, it made Hitler evil. Why? Because too much of a good thing can be, and will inevitably be bad:

Too much passion results in corruption, too much control results in neglect, and too much commitment and expectations results in suffering- and in Japan’s case, suicide. Although I passionately love Japan, it seems clear that, overall, the U.S. has one of the best balances, and so might be considered “better” from an idealist perspective.

So it seems that an accurate view of good and evil would be difficult to isolate, as there are many unreconciled inconsistencies to be understood and properly interpreted. But in either case, it’s clear to me that it’s better to do something wrong then do nothing at all- It would be a waste to miss so many opportunities because we pondered whether or not they were the right ones.

Misfit

I haven’t written for a while (again), partially due to personal issues, and also because I’ve been thinking about enough different things that by the times I’m satisfied enough to write it all down- it will take the form of several milestone-class posts. In fact, only a small portion of this post is based on these thoughts- the majority was thought up within the last couple days, or sitting dormant for several years. *you’ll see what I mean by “dormant”*

A wise man once told me, “about 80% of all communication is body-language.” My immediate thoughts on this (which I vocalized) were “If that really is the case, then I’m missing out big-time!” To be honest, when he first said it, I thought it was a hyperbole— it was a bit disconcerting to realize that that might really be the case- after all, I am incapable of reading most body-language.

But thinking about it now, it makes sense. Most of communication between individuals is by means of culture. As I’ve  briefly gone over in the past, Culture is basically made up of two things: expectations, and those who live according to them. The group of people can be any size, depending on the common interests of the culture– from global culture (the largest unit), to a clique (the smallest unit).

In any culture, expectations are an inevitable and crucial prerequisites to identifying with one- that is because expectations are the foundation of any culture, of a necessity of any civilization. One such expectation that is believe to be what enabled civilization to exist- is farming. At some point nomads settled down and took the risk of starvation, trusting in the expectation that the crop will grow. Although nomadic culture existed prior to that, and still exists (i.e. homeless people), civilization requires culture, and by extension expectations. For a person to be identified with a particular culture, they must meet those expectations- which are more specific in cliques, and more loosely-defined in a broader range of people.

Of the expectations of culture, most are not said directly, but instead communicated through body-language. This is because, among other reasons, those of a particular culture group are expected to already know– Those who don’t know already don’t need to know, since they are not part of that culture (not meeting the expectations). If we are not part of a culture and want to be, we must either figure it out on our own, or directly request info on that culture from someone who is part of it. Although this does make communication more efficient, I think that the primary reason things work this way, is also unsaid- that is, because it’s unnatural and overcomplicated to interpret everything to be understood universally.

This is where, for me, the problem lies: Although smaller cultures are optional and and specific, global culture is universally mandatory for anyone who identifies as human, and is collectively known as “common knowledge“. I cannot read most body language, and so my common knowledge is limited to what I have taken the initiative to learn– which in turn means that if I do not even know about the existence of something, I am not even capable of learning it unless someone tells me, or I find out about it by chance.

People that have similar problems are those with Asperger’s Syndrome, which in turn is sometimes synonymous with the stereotypical geek. Although I do not know if my own issues fit well even in Aspie culture, the lack of ability to read body language has adversely affected me, in that because most expectations are communicated through body language, and other culture-specific methods, I am unable to appreciate, or even be aware of the vast majority of expectations that other people have of me.

In my previous thoughts concerning what other expected, and expect of me, and how that impacted my own expectations (our own expectations are the cumulation of others- we do not (usually) gain more complete independent expectations until adolescence), I decided that it was because my family had very little demonstrated expectations of me. This perception was also based on the fact that my dad avoids confrontation of any kind, and tends to communicate passively- that is he rarely spells out anything directly, implying his preference instead of asserting his will. Aside from the fact that I spent most of my adolescence (the most crucial period for developing expectations) with people that (from my perspective) had more demonstrated expectations of me, I’ve realized a much more pressing concern:

If, as it appears, about 80% of communication uses body-language and other culture-specific methods, that means that I am completely oblivious to 80% of what is expected of me, and thus cannot appreciate, acknowledge, or (most importantly) apply and benefit from the vast majority of what is expected of me. Considering that, prior to adult-hood, our thinking is more simplistic and we are more easily influenced, such a deficiency would have a drastic impact of the development of individual expectations.

In fact, in my entire life, the expectations that this wise man had of me, and communicated directly so that I would know in its entirety– It seems to be the first time I felt that anyone expected anything of me. That is, prior to that, I was aware of many expectations that people (in particular institutions, like school and work), but expectations cannot be appreciated logically or even empirically, but must be known, (quoting The Matrix), “you just know it, through and through”.

This is very unfortunate, because expectations are a crucial aspect of not only culture, but essentially every aspect of interpersonal relationships. A person without expectations cannot develop [reciprocal] friendships, and their ability to love is limited and imbalanced.

Expectations are also a necessity in mustering motivation for any task that does not immediately accomplish the goal(s) one might work toward. This can be understood by applying the Triangular Theory of Love, developed by Robert Sternberg:

Love can be split into three primary aspects: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. as I will explain in future posts, these correspond directly the Sigmund Freud’s Id, Ego, and SuperEgo (in that order- the Id being our source of passion, Ego of intimacy, and SuperEgo of commitment.

The SuperEgo seeks to improve upon itself or others, which in turn requires change.

*note: as I will also explain in future posts, the SuperEgo may conversely seek to destroy itself or others– this is because, just as “the means” (the shape and quality of what is accomplished) is determined by the Id (level of passion/ desire), Ego (level of security/control) and SuperEgo (level of expectations), “the ends” (the ultimate result) can either be creative or destructive. Although religions tend to assert that good and evil are objective, I think subjective would be more accurate- but regardless of whether of the nature of their existence, it would be more accurate to think of good and evil as “creative and destructive”, because not only are there things that appear creative to some and destructive to others, but to some extent, creating anything requires destroying other things, and destroying anything requires creating something else- this is a natural consequence of change, which is why all change has risks.

In other words (The following describes the consequences first of the creative SuperEgo, then of the destructive SuperEgo BTW.):  To progress in the future requires digressing from the past, and to digress in the future requires progressing (emphasizing) the past (FTR progressing the past sounds a bit confusing, which is why we use “regress” to describe that).

If commitment is achieved through expectations, any long-term goals are impossible without oneself and/or others having the expectation that the goal will be accomplished, and of course the individual(s) the goal concerns must be aware of those expectations. I find it interesting (and very surprising) to realize that friendship does not require expectations- that is, a person doesn’t need to be important to be a friend. In and of itself, the level of friendship is dependent on the level of intimacy (since friendship is the product of intimacy), and intimacy, in and of itself, is motivated by the Ego- that is, the need for security and control. When I previously defined friendship, I was too idealistic about it- “true friendship” as we know it is produced from reciprocal fulfillment of the need for security and control (intimacy), that is complimented by reciprocal fulfillment of the need for expectations. So interestingly enough, my previous thoughts regarding friendship (see my Love post) although harsh and oversimplified, were more accurate than I had thought. “True friendship”, according to the Triangular Theory of Love, is the product of “Companionate Love”.

But here’s the crucial dilemma (and the original intended focus of this post): How should one (i.e. myself) go about living life if they expect very little of themself, and do not know (and thus cannot appreciate or benefit from) what others expect from them?

Well– actually, come to think of it, there is a dilemma that is far more severe, and the worst part about it is that I know just how hopeless it is:

I believe that, in accordance with balance, to change any characteristic of oneself, it requires the same amount of effort (be it conscious or subconscious) that was put into developing those qualities to neutralize them, and twice the effort to develop qualities of the opposite nature. To put into context– History demonstrates how, in spite of centuries of research and experimentation with various treatments, in most cases the success rate for correcting homosexual attraction is either 0%, or close to it. Since homosexuality is not genetic (if it was it would have died out over 4 millennia ago), it must be behavior. My explanation for why sexual behaviors are so (impossibly?) difficult to treat is because sexual desire is the first type of behavior to develop in life, beginning with the first love (normally the mother) *note when I say “sexual”, I’m referring to libido. To clarify- Those who conform of Freud psychology believe babies are pure Id- they know they want, but know not what they want (Ego) or how to get it (SuperEgo).

Freud introduced the controversial notion that human development is ultimately motivated by sexual desire (and due to complications in justifying the theory, became a major enemy of feminists (see Penis Envy), so that leads me to believe that “libido” could also mean simply “desire”- but it makes more sense to me by putting it like this: Id is the part of our consciousness motivated to gain back what we lost. Thus, from a broader perspective, desire is born out of a need to regain something which, even if only in our own mind, we once had in some form. Considering the simplicity of a baby’s mind (and their life in general), after weaning is completed, the primary thing to get back is obvious.

With gays this would not (normally) apply- so, from what I can tell, the desire (and thus the gay attraction) normally originates in an early childhood memory. That is because the earlier the attraction originates (memories), the more years of effort (in the form of desire) have accumulated in that direction, making change virtually impossible (not only would you have to have to desire to change, but the change cannot occur until present desire accumulates to match and exceed the total amount put in the past.

The dilemma I have now, is that in my entire life up till now, I was not aware other the vast majority of others expectations, and so I was not able to appreciate or benefit from them, and behaved as if very little was expected of me. It’s very likely that I gave a bad impression of myself as a result, and my natural talents and love of acquiring and sharing knowledge did not impress people around me as it would have if I had met, or at the very least acknowledged all their other expectations. I did not realize this until relatively recently, and did not understand it until now– but now that I know this of what good is it to me? It’s not a simple feat, after all, to undo and redo 20 years worth of living, and even if I could accomplish it, would it really be worth it? Even if I am a misfit, I’m satisfied with myself, which really doesn’t give me any motivation for such an aspiration the first place. Before I could begin such an endeavour, I would first have to know what is expected of me in the first place, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that!

Depression Treatment

*note this is one of the old posts I actually wrote a long time ago– just FTR*

*…But as I am writing it now, I’ve modified it significantly so as to blend better with current thought, and also to incorporate recent concepts when relevant…*

As I explained in Playing the Victim, one of my co-workers was suffering from acute depression, and asked for advice. The solution I gave her was *obviously* to stop “playing the victim”, and accept responsibility for her life – thus empowering herself and providing the psychological leverage needed to deal with the other issues, and begin progressing with life again. Although this solution is logically valid, I’ve become to realize more and more how much truth cannot be logically justified -so, for lack of better feelings, I should  “be more considerate of her feelings”- for lack of better phrasing – So this depression needs to be handled more gradually, using “gentler” methods :P

Due to the ever-constant chaos already eminent in her life, dealing with it logically would be impossible, because logic has already become irrelevant. I assured her that I would see what I could do in finding a [irony alert!] more *reasonable* solution, and fortunately, I think I’ve found one. Well, from the looks of things the *best* solution is a work-in-progress, but at the very least it’s something to work off of. Of course the solution has nothing to do with drugs. I was medicated for several years in the past, and although I definitely had, and *have* the illnesses I was diagnosed with, I found I did far better without them. Come to think of it, the several different medications I was given did little more than sedate me. As far as I can tell, that was about it. Don’t ask why, I have know clue :P

As I mentioned in that same post (“Playing the Victim”) I was able to deal with my psychological issues best (by an overwhelming margin) without medication; if anything the medication just made things worse. So although I cannot speak for anyone else, From my person experiences I would definitely recommend against the ingestion of psychological drugs of any kind. Treatment is frequently contrasted with “Cure”, being only a temporary/partial solution (i.e. to minimize symptoms)- Cures are permanent.

I think the fact that medication only minimizes symptoms is particularly interesting- after all, “Symptoms” are the proof that the body/mind/etc. is fighting against the disease/etc. If the symptoms disappear, that doesn’t mean the person is better. In fact, if the disease/etc. still exist despite symptoms, that should be considered a bad thing, since the immune system is essentially being suppressed, allowing the disease freely roam, resulting in far worse [in this case] mental health. Well, that’s just speculation on my part, but such an opinion is also implied in “I Never Promised you Roses”. In the cases of depression, the “cure” might well be to deal with the problem as described in “Playing the Victim”- however, for now, a temporary solution [*treatment*] should suffice.

Among many– more minor illnesses, I have Bipolar- previously known as “manic-depressive” disorder. The previous name is much more descriptive, but I guess they’re trying to be more politically correct :P I regularly go through cycles- between depressive and more manic states; I maintain a more “normal” demeanor in-between. The upside and downside of Bipolar is the same: the cycles are predictable. That is- I only get depressed or manic “when I’m supposed to”- this makes cycles very predictable, and I can schedule accordingly, since it works like clockwork. But of course, no one likes getting depressed– well, I’m sure plenty of people like getting manic though :P Then again, I don’t ever get anxious (for certain reasons that I’ll cover in later posts) so I don’t have to deal with that part of the manic cycle…but for whatever its worth, that’s the downside.

A while ago I realized that I could completely thwart the depression cycles (although the manic isn’t so bad) by making a habit of automatically rejecting the logical validity of all negative thoughts. Although I did not realize it then, I had already been doing such a thing for a few years now. But I have also realized that, in accordance with balance, to disregard any emotion logically, I had to lose my emotions; this is because to logically get rid of emotions, one must believe any previous emotions to never have existed- this is necessary because emotions are the backbone of passion and desire- no decision can follow through without one’s emotions backing it.

Getting back to habits though, as I detailed in [insert post], it’s possible to force oneself to change the perception of anything you want, even if it is the exact opposite of the original and natural perception. In that experiment, as I was walking in the freezing cold (of last winter, to be exact) I decided to imagine the pain as being pleasure, and concentrated on the cold being a good thing, setting aside all “common sense” in favor of this perception. The result was a bit surprising- by concentrating the pain completely went away- it was very exciting seeing how perceptions can be manipulated this way.

The only thing lacking with this is that one must concentrate to experience the conversion. That’s where habits come in. The purpose of habits is to keep of memory of thing that are done often, and usually require a degree of concentration. It is an adaptation that allows us to perform tasks better the more that we do it, because those things we’ve already concentrated on a lot are stored in our “cache“, which frees up our “memory” to focus on the finer details, or other tasks. Although perhaps I’m a bit partial due to my hobbies, I think that the human brain is strikingly similar to the computer- or, even more likely, the other way around.

As a result of these habits, I have not felt depressed for a few years now.

*Note “felt”- “depression can mean more than one thing; “felt” meaning that I have not had any sad or depressing thoughts for a while. In retrospect BTW this is not a good thing- to accomplish this required “unbreacheable” psychological walls to be put up, resulting in an almost completely nonchalant perspective towards everything; the root meaning of depression (“to slow down”/ “fall” / “be undone” /etc) is still true even now- the depression just does not include the emotional components (i.e. sadness/melancholy/etc.)*

There was one brief period a while back (see Self-Awareness post ) but that only last half an hour. I was thrust into a terrible depression, due to not being able to prepare a decent resume (I had no work experience at the time). But, seeing that I needed it to get done, I forcibly moved myself forward, and was able to pull off what had appeared to be impossible, thus effectively ending that “episode“. Recalling this incident has also played a key role in determining another, more “reasonable” solution to my coworker’s problem.

All of “today” (*see top*), as expected, I experienced the usual wave of depression. Well, I say depressed, but (as explained above) the only symptom I still experience is a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. On these days I might normally do nothing but watch anime- and in WCS even lack the motivation to play games. But even when I have such days, going to work is not a problem. Actually, on these days going to work is actually more of a vacation, anyway. Much of the reason for this is explained in Opportunity– that is, working each day with the awareness that half my pay is not in the salary, but in the opportunity to work. As I’ve discovered over time, the reason why working can be so fulfilling- is because of expectations- knowing that our coworkers and supervisors expect us to do the job well, and fullfilling those expectations, fills us with a wonderful sense of pride. The way I see it, this is “running away from ourselves”- here’s why:

Who we are- that which we perceive ourselves to be, and also who and that which we perceive others to be, is dependent on memory, which also means that we can only see ourselves and other people as we were in the past. That is because we are contantly changing and growing, clarifying and building upon who we are every second, although the changes may not be noticed for years. Because of that, the person we perceive ourselves to be, is actually the past, and is not entirely accurate. The irony (and amusement) of this, is that we are able to change in the first place for this same reason. See, to move forward and grow, we must leave our past behind us, which I believe is a necessity due to balance. Interestingly enough, it is also a central theme for reincarnation. So “running away” from ourself in essence means “leaving behind the past” to move towards a better future. So perhaps a more optimistic phrasing would be “running to” (although that would totally kill the visual)

Since I am a restless individual, lacking in patience (although I have aquired a significant patience these past few months, in recognition of the need) I first dealt with my lack of motivation by being confrontational (i.e. a complete ass) with my roommates. Thinking about it now, that initial approach is strikingly similar to Linkin Park’s song “Breaking the Habit”. From what I can tell, this journey I’m going through has an extremely close likeness that the journey that Linkin Park depicts in their music, so I often listen to the words of their songs for guidance. As the contributers (of that song) in Linkin Park did though, I realized that there were better ways of dealing with it, that I needed to ‘break the habit’.

So I started settling down, and played games with them instead. Here I realized another way of self-treating depression. Summing it all up, a person’s psychological health is primarily dependent on one factor- pride. This is why it’s important to not play the victim- depression is caused by insecurity. The opposite of insecurity is self-control. Taking control of a situation is an active way of alleviating insecurity (and thus depression), but it’s likely that in most cases of depression, the person’s state-of-mind renders them incapable of taking the initiative- thus a passive response is necessary. By playing games with my roommates that I knew I would win, and by following through with that expectation, I am able to alleviate my insecurity in a passive manner. That is, it required no initiative, because they already wanted to play- I only had to say “yes”. Thus, one of the best ways to alleviate depression passively, without initiative, is to put oneself in an environment where we will succeed, and have the expectations of others to drive and support that success.

With both the resume incident and the days that I played games to relieve depression, the key factor is power. In one way or another, empowering oneself plays a vital role in allowing us to move on. To put in another way, the most efficient way to get over depression is to “pet your ego” by showing off your strengths to others. Pride is, after all, one of our greatest needs as humans, making this a reliable “quick fix” for depression

Ulterior Motivation

This post took a lot out of me, and it was confusing to sort it out- so even though I’m only writing it out now, I actually thought up the majority of it a while ago. I actually had another post that I’ve been wanting to write (collectively) for ~4 months, but kept forgetting what it was about. that post would have been called “Confusion”, but in retrospect it seems that this post is in large part the culmination of that thought, so this is definitely a milestone post (milestone posts- which I’ll probably create a category for since they’re the most important ones, I designate based on two factors: (1) a cumulatively large amount of time was put into the thought for it [~2+ months] and (2) determined to contain breakthrough-level insights to the point that it signifies a major step towards truth/etc.

As I have acknowledged in previous posts, motivation is my greatest philosophical obsession. Recently, ulterior motives, due to their nature, became extremely intriguing to me. My thoughts regarding it climaxed when I developed the premise: “Every decision we make has potentially infinite ulterior motives.” I myself began to intensely self-analyze the motivation of my own decisions, to uncover and understand my own ulterior motives. While this premise might seem exaggerated to say “infinite ulterior motives”, please note that this follows the same reasoning as my proof that God doesn’t exist– which is that even if there were a limit, we would not know what it was, where it was, or how it might be defined. Also to be considered is that “we” cannot be defined with certainty either, for this same reason.

But this left me with quite the dilemma: how should I proceed from here, since evidently there are no right or wrong answers. To add to this, I have an innate desire, like all self-aware humans (We all have the innate desire, but for those humans that are not self-aware, that desire lies dormant; similar to the notion we all innately possess the potential for any sexual orientation. to perfect myself- which in essence means that every choice is wrong, because it’s not possible to make the right choice. That is, even though there are no right answers, there is still the potential for one, and I have an insatiable urge to find that which I know I cannot. In summary, motivation, being infinite, is a paradox.

For example, I can easily receive SSI (Supplementary Security Income), and doing so would be the most logical condition, considering what I want to do with my life. All the things that I want to do require nothing but time, and myself- I know I can do anything I want to, and the plan would be the succeed, and pay back every last penny when I have gained sufficient status that I could easily live independently. In other words, SSI would be an investment. I know I could do it, but this is where ulterior motives come into play: Why would I feel the need to do all these things? What is the meaning of it? Just to say I did it? That kind of motivation is shallow, and meaningless. I thought I would do it to get out of my Comfort Zone, but to what end? Why should I need to prove these things to myself? Is it society’s programming? In either case, it is a drawn-out, empty plan. Perhaps I just can’t stand simplicity, but I don’t think I could be satisfied with something like that. Don’t I want to improve my sense of responsibility? My ability to plan? Is there any reason why I want to, besides the fact that it’s considered a good trait? If there are no right answers, why put effort into anything?

I have all these questions flying at me, confusing my ability to reason. Whatever I do, it’s never good enough. I’m becoming quite the existentialist- how ironic, considering I just found out about it in philosophy (I actually don’t remember hardly any of it in class, but apparently I started becoming an existentialist quite before that, ~6 months ago writing a (still untyped) post titled “The Meaning of Life”. Then I found out a couple days ago from my brother that my thoughts in that (untyped) post are the same as Nietzsche– which was flattering.

From the look of things, it’s impossible to truly know or understand our motivation for anything, which would make any attempts to determine ulterior motives futile. But I feel that it’s important to understand them as best as I can, at least for those things that are most important. It may be a meaningless obsession, but in some ways I live for meaningless obsessions :P

But one thing that it’s probably best I don’t speculate over is whether or not something is “society’s programming, because even if it is, it’s for good reason (even if I can’t appreciate that reason), and there would be no way to know for sure in most cases. In these cases, we should just do the best we can with what we have, and only change the way we think when necessary. *Although only a debian/ubuntu/etc. user could appreciate this example*: It’s true that there are packages we don’t need, and packages we may need in the future. But if we act based on the mere possibility, we are more than likely to waste time and effort, and destroy the operating system (of which I’ve have more than enough experience :P ) i.e. *”if it[society’s programming] ain’t broke, don’t fix it!*

Although more understanding may be born of speculation on ulterior motives, it would “never end”, so the priority should be low, lest life itself transform into a formless blob amid the torrent of motives.

Neon Genesis Evangelion

I’ve been working on this project for a while- comprised of searching for the ultimate motivation, our true purpose, the “meaning of life”- and, digging deeper, the “essence of the soul”, the relationship between the soul and ourselves, and between God and ourselves, as well as various other speculations about the spiritual world. I know that all of these things are part of one thing, and that thing I hereby christen Neon Genesis Evangelion. My project had many goals:

1. Finding the Ultimate Motivation, True Purpose, Meaning Of Life, the Essence of the Soul, the relationship between it, and God, with ourselves, as well as other aspects of the spiritual world

2. Defining what knowledge I had gleaned

3. Clarifying and Refining this knowledge, so that I and other may better understand it

4. Presenting this format in an eloquent and artful fashion, and in such a way that it could be appreciated by the simplest of minds, but still providing an infinite amount of meaning to those that seek it- to be speculated over for ages to come.

5. Producing this knowledge in different forms of media- books, illustrations, music, and (ideally) anime.

But it seems that the author of Neon Genesis Evangelion has already accomplished what I was setting out to do- as I go over in my mind the plot, theme, character-development- everything is the spitting-image of what I planned to do, the story I was living, and recording.

Well, it’s nice to know that I’m not quite as *crazy* as I might have thought myself to be otherwise- after all, now I’ve found quite a few major artists that seems to have experienced similar things in the past as I am now. not only the author of this lengendary series, but also Linkin Park. There are also others, although I can’t think of them off the top of my head…My brother seems to have also gone through similar experiences too, although he doesn’t talk too much about himself so I don’t know.

There is one major difference between NGE and my own story. NGE is the materialization of the themes that I am experiencing, of which I am trying to convey. So my story, my book, it would actually be more of a prequel to NGE- a sort of prophesy of events to come, and *naturally* I am the prophet. (Of course those events have *supposedly* already happened, so it’s more like I am one who retains the memory of the said prophet* :P

So on that note, I’m considering continuing writing the story. Since in the past few months I’ve had several changes in thought due to various developments, it may well turn out to be a different story altogether anyway– well actually I’m counting on that. It’ll probably be low priority though, for various reasons.

Reverse Psychology

As hinted by the slowing in the amount of posts I’ve been writing (especially considering I was supposed to write considerably more, since there are about 50 posts that I have already written but not typed!), I have been in a state of great confusion. After having done so much, gotten so far, I have enjoyed the happiness that goes with looking down on the valley from whence I’ve come, while I myself am nearing the plateau, surrounded by clouds and fog. But with that happiness has come much negativity, these mixed feelings resulting in a mildly chaotic chaos. I believe that I have, to an unknown extent, the ability to see the future, or to be more precise, my future.Although I have a few examples of this, that is not really the priority, but it is something to look back on. When I get around to it though, I’ll add these to my living contradiction page, but FTR that page will be soon changed to this one: unique qualities. In my Essence of the Soul post, I conveyed the main character as having certain feelings, and going through certain surreal experiences– this came at a time where I had given up, and then restarted work on the book, finding new inspiration. Not long after restarting, for the first time I realized the true power of writing fiction- what I wrote were not words that I had any say in, they just came into being, flowed into my mind. It was as if I was merely writing the story that I was told. This is how true masterpieces are written I think- the true power of writing. I believe this is how the Bible was written- and *note I believe the Bible to be true. Although I call it fiction, I think truth is found in everything- fiction is how we convey truth that exists outside the physical world- fantasy, spirit, gods and demons- these are things that we cannot explain directly because they are not physical. Fiction is simply the metaphor of truth, that’s what I believe.

Of what I wrote, of which I did not understand, much of it I have felt these past few weeks, and just as in the book, these feelings have continued to grow, almost akin to an expanding throbbing. I have felt much confusion, and suffered because of it. I know I must make a decision, and I know which decisions are possibilities, but I don’t know which one to make. That is because I don’t know what I want, or rather, I desire too much, and have been overwhelmed by my insatiable amount of desires- thus the state of confusion.

Perhaps I foresaw this- no, I’m sure on some level I did- it really started when I was still living with my aunt. The time that it started happening was definitely puberty- that I’m sure of. That was probably when I started putting up walls- it first started with feelings being possessed, doing things that I know that there was no reason for me to do them, not knowing why, but only that I did them. There have been other times even when I was younger, but this was the most disturbing instance. It was as if I was sleepwalking, and then woken up, thinking “Why am I doing these things?”

After that came “the voices” no, not schizophrenic- these are voices that I could not understand. I understood the feelings from “the voices”- there were definitely feelings attached. I could not understand the words, but I think that this was because I understood the feelings- I saw beyond what I heard, and reached out. Well, now I’m talking surreal, about the spiritual world, something I as of yet cannot understand well enough. I am merely stringing together words hoping to convey matters that even now I do not understand, in hopes that another might reach these feelings, and help enlighten me about what they mean. Back then though, I did not understand all this. I heard the words, but only understood the feelings. The feelings were negative, chaotic, painful. Although it was but a glimpse, I knew that the source of these feelings must be in a state of agony, engulfed in hell. I did not want to experience such things, and was depressed, and ran away from these feelings. I wanted the voices to go away. I found the answer to how to make them go away, although I did not understand it. I began to open up to other people, began to talk a ridiculous amount- communication became the reason for my existence.

Even with talking, I was still plagued by confusion and chaos, though the effects were reduced to the background of my life. Then I discovered the power of writing. I first began writing to help other people. I found I was able to look at the different aspects of life, and understand and explain them as if I lived them- no, in my mind I had already lived them, just not physically. Any time that I have decided to do something, I always lose all motivation, because I feel that I have already done it. Perhaps it might be in part because, in doing anything, it would only prove that I can do it, and such a motivation is fragile and superficial.

I soon found that I could also write for my own benefit, and eventually my writings, which started with the motivations of humanity, changed to my own motivation. In this I began to find my greatest happiness, and it was at this point that my hobby turned to obsession- my interest turned to a dream. I have been living through a dream since I began this journey of self-discovery, and I have learned much in this dream, and improved upon my character much. But this is a dream which I must either decide is reality, or wake up from. Time will go on, and so must I. I must either choose the reality of my own making, or the reality prepared for me. I also foresaw this decision in the Essence of the Soul with these lines:

“As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I consulted a friend to advise me on making this decision- to which he responded “first list the things that you want”. But of course, I want too much! So I puzzled over the question “what do I want?” This is a question I have thought about for sometime, though to little avail. But then I remembered what I had written other posts in the past- something that (once I get around to it) it be rightfully added to Premises, under “Motivation”: “The most effective way to define anything is to determine its exact opposite, and compare them”; and “The most effective way to change anything is to concentrate on doing its exact opposite”.

It was then that I realized that, although my desires are overwhelming and innumerable, what I hate- that which I do not desire- these are relatively few. This is wear “Reverse Psychology” comes in. Not the usually meaning, but the process by which it’s done- reverse psychology on myself, in certain respects. Those things that I want most- that in my mind I have a special place for- they would be the exact opposite of what I hate, what I want the very least- those things that would pain me most. By knowing this, I already can know what I really want, who I really am. By this method I can separate the chaff from the wheat, metaphorically speaking, and know what I truly want, and what are just things that I “happen” to be interested in.

Of course, there’s nothing that I truly hate, I just hate some things more than others. Hatred is, after all, not an object. It is a measure- an ideal. Hatred both infinitely exists and does not exist- it’s existence, like all ideals, can only be determined on an individual basis. But I can determine what I desire most by what I hate most, and determine my priorities using this scale.

This is not just for me though- I know that everyone can use this same method to determine their true desires, and it is my desire that others may benefit from this knowledge, as I have.

For example: I know I don’t want enemies- therefore I want friends. However, I also want enemies, but only out of curiosity. This is mirrored in an ironic way- as I want friends mainly out of curiosity. The opposite affect each other thus. I don’t want to be alone- that is something that I don’t want for any reason. So I know that I want to socialize. Even though, out of curiosity I  may want enemies, I know that I don’t want to be hated- therefore I want to be loved. These are things that I knew, but did not understand- I can understand because I have a standard by which to compare. That is the power of Absolutes- only with absolutes is understanding possible. This is also why absolutes (words) are an essential part of communication. I have made my decision, but that will be highlighted another post.

Willpower

I have spent a great deal of time obsessing over the meaning of life. Sure, I concluded that we all find our own meaning in life, and that it’s probable that our purpose is to find meaning. But this is not a answer- it’s just a different way of looking at the same thing. What then, is that “same thing”?

“If the dream does not end” – Clow Reed.

“Grab life by the horns” – Gordon B. Hinckley.

“Knowledge is Power” – Will Durant. (and Me)

…But that power one must use, and not be used by it (or, to further quote Will Durant, “Knowledge is power, but only wisdom is liberty.”

In studies involving identical twins raised in essentially identical environments, I have heard that sometimes the results can be as radically different as good versus evil. I think that perhaps my sources mixed up fraternal twins and identical twins (of which the genetic difference is potentially huge), but I think that, in the event of such a rare occurrence, it would fall under Miracles.

But nevertheless, there are clearly key factors that separate animals from humans, and those driven to commit crimes or support justice- differences that cannot be explained by genetics, the environment, or even miracles- at least not these things in and of themselves. What then are these differences?

Extremes play a key role in determining this: Some people, perhaps most, allow their will to be determined by their thoughts. I have know many such individuals, and recently, I have inadvertently become one of them to some extent. If one is to take charge of their life, one should let their thoughts be determined by their will, not the other way around. This is one of the key factors- willpower.

I have very little willpower, although I did not realize this until quite recently. I was blinded by appearances- after all, from the surface I am extremely stubborn, full of pride, an obstinate rebel. Some of these qualities I even believed myself to possess, appearances aside. But now that I have realized the truth, I can make sense of much of the dream that has become my life, the distortion and delusion that has become my reality. Those of little willpower are easily effected by their environment, akin to a child that is comparably impressionable. How they are affected is determined by one of two extremes- which I have identified with the Id and SuperEgo.

If identified with the Id- which is pure freedom, and lacking any ability to focus that desire towards an object, person, or goal, It takes the form of civil criminals and the mentally ill, who know not what they want, but seek after it with such unyielding desire that they are compelled to commit acts which they themselves must commit, so driven by trivial things that they are utterly helpless, even thinking of themselves as victims, with no future, no hope. With Id comes a natural desire to create, but no amount of desire can be realized without control. (which is the role of the Ego).

If identified with the SuperEgo, one will seek after unreachable ideals, doing anything necessary to reach them, which inevitably includes every type of crime. These idealists take the form of terrorists, serial killers, religious and political radicals, and other extremists. The SuperEgo has a direction, and does everything to attain it, but again has no control.

With both of these extremes, those of little willpower take information they are exposed to, and exaggerate it. The cause of this exaggeration is similar to the principle of inertia- if there is no friction/resistance to stop it, it will keep going infinitely. With both extremes, the Ego is responsible for creating this friction, to maintain control.

Those motivated by Id will seek out creation, as Id is a life instinct. This is likely why there is a proven relationship between creative genius and mental illness. (see here)

Those motivated by SuperEgo, in contrast, seek out destruction. This destruction brings about chaos, and from this chaos springs forth change. Change is necessary for survival, which is why we have both death and life instincts. Although I attribute “mental illness” to Id, both extremes are mental illness, but just different kinds. One is born from creativity, and the other from “destructivity”. (yeah I know it’s not a word!)

So if we are motivated by our Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, that motivation takes the form of three factors, which ultimately determine our fate: desire, direction, and control.

Essentially, those with little willpower are more vulnerable to the “spiritual world”, and “demonic forces”. “Different ways of looking at the same thing”- the spiritual world is manifested in Christianity, Buddhism, and mysticism- but really our dogmatic understanding of mental illness, psychics, and criminals- all of these reflect the effects of the spiritual world. Having little willpower, I have let myself be swallowed, obsessed, and thus consumed by spiritual forces.

Relation to Nature: “God” ‘s love drove him to seek after the impossible– he became consumed by his nature- allowed his thoughts to control his will.

I am a perfectionist, in that I feel compelled to finish whatever I start. I gave myself a goal that I knew could not be realized, and have torn my psyche apart in this impossible pursuit. I first began realizing this when finishing the first chapter of Essence of the Soul when I wrote “As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I did the very things I swore I would not. I let myself be controlled by fate. I prioritized knowledge over willpower. I allowed myself to be controlled by my own logic. I began taking the path Joanne did, without even realizing it. I created a scenario of madness to justify the nonsensical, because I don’t want to admit that there are some things that, no only do we not know yet, but that we cannot know. I have mixed fiction with fact, and without realizing it was influenced by the unreal, conjuring up elaborate fallacies by which to reconcile what is real with what is not. I have dug too deep into the potential of the human mind, I have searched out forbidden knowledge. I have “sold my soul to the devil” to acquire the knowledge of good and evil, and gambled my life to pay a debt I cannot.

The dream must end, just as I knew it should have a long while back. I am living out this dream on borrowed time, and if I do no “wake up” now…”If the dream doesn’t end…”

Bottom line: I don’t want to “wake up”.

There is another factor that is much more important than willpower (believe it or not), which I became aware of (and my personal lack of it) thanks to my older brother. This will be covered in my Self Esteem post.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” -excerpt from the “Serenity Prayer“

Agony

In general I find very little merit in assholes, but there is definitely one thing I appreciate about them that is universally reliable, and that is that they will always challenge me. Not necessarily challenging my opinion, although the redneck type seems to a lot IMO. Well, in this case, a redneck asshole who is freeloading at my house (’cause my dad is too nice for his own good…and no this is not about redneck-induced agony…although that is also sometimes a problem!) – When I said that I believed that the whole Bible was misinterpreted, and that most of it- if not all in some respect- should be interpreted metaphorically- or more accurately, not literally. (i.e. a passage in the Bible might be historical truth, but also to present another underlying, and usually far more important (and spiritual) meaning– similar to the masterpieces of Linkin Park.

I have been, off and on, extremely anxious these past few months, likely due to delving too far into the secrets of my spiritual self. I’m disturbing the spiritually dead, proverbially speaking, and it’s not someone else either- it’s my dead self. Well of course this is all speculation, but in either case- as far as I’m concerned, I’ve willingly asked for a glimpse of Hell, and now I’m agonizing over whether it was really worth it.

I began this journey of self-exploration at first just to turn the nothing I was into something in the future; then, once I realized that it was not that simple, I began seeking out what that nothing was, because you cannot do anything you know nothing about, because even nothing is something

Well, all that abstract talk is just me being melodramatic…eventually, I found that the more I discovered about myself through this inference-based reasoning, the more I was able to improve upon myself. I started with internal change (opinions, morals, perspectives), and eventually harnessed these changes into habits/etc., to the point my transformation could not go unnoticed by those who “knew” me. But noooooo…that wasn’t good enough for me. I had to find the unfindable answers, relying on the forbidden intuition that I should never have had- well perhaps I’ve just being “played” by myself- this illusion of soul-torture that I’ve forced upon myself due to expecting something.

But really, the possibilities are endless, so why doubt my doubts when I can “suspend judgement” on those matters- and focus my attentions on these far more engrossing and apparently irresistable obsessions. But, as you may have noted, these obsessions have really done a number on me. Why is it that I must have such depressing, such inevitably hopeless obsessions.

Now that I know that we all are motivated by the desire to run away from ourselves- or more accurately, we won’t be happy unless we do everything to run away from ourselves. No- that’s not even accurate. I mean “our other self” – might be our “Ego”, might be our “soul” or “spirit” or “psyche”- well, it’s arguable that all those words mean the same thing anyway. Perhaps- and this is most definitely the case, we are running away from something far bigger that that. But really, is that even possible, or does it even make any sense, considering at this point it’s all just semantics.

Actually, I wouldn’t even be able to write this post had it not been for the spontaneous impulses (that’s redundant BTW) of my brother- by which I was able to clear my head sufficiently to actually think straight for the first time in 2 days. Now for some revised definitions “for the road”:

Sin: Self- you know, the “other self”. like I said, all semantics…

Agony: Seeing self, or a reflection/glimpse thereof- for what we really are, an eternally tortured self.

Hell: In “God’s” presence we see the ugliness that we really are:

desperate, hateful, dependent, miserable, melancholic, masochistic/sadistic, vengeful, malicious, lonely, obsessed, perverted, greedy, lustful, irrate. All scum that is depicable and distasteful.

As to how such a hellish curse was eternally forced upon us, there are many possibilities, but this is my theory: Balance has always existed- it is the true God. But “in reality”, Balance is only rules- just as Pythagoras’s numbers did not create anything, but only organized what already existed. We, our “original” self- also existed, and were thus governed by Balance. But to gain self-awareness, our soul- as I’ll call the “original self”, had to pay an equal price- that is after all necessary to maintain Balance. The “Adam and Eve” story of Genesis 2-3, is IMO, a story that originally took, or more accurately, takes place outside time and a space- humans would not exist if “original self” did not become “original sin. Update: Time did exist- since it is a fundamental necessity of balance.

There are many Bible verses which support this interpretation, in several books, both the old testament and new. Although I really don’t have motivation or time (b/f going 2 bed) to cite specific verses (although I probably would have if I didn’t spend so much time procrastinating on Uncyclopedia- it’s way to funny for my own good! see side-panel links for reference!)-

In Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastics, Revelation- just to name a few…

In the account of Jesus’s death (found on all 4 gospels, though only a couple in sufficient detail), Jesus dies for our sake- taking the sin of the world upon himself.

I pity those millions (Billions unless it’s “all for show”) of Christians that completely misinterpret the Bible- it’s not like I’m even close to accurate (obviously!) but at least I’m on the right track. Honestly though, how can anyone take what they call “God’s Word” at face-value. It’s sickening how simple people can be about things so far beyond themselves- what an insult to God!

Back to Jesus: In taking the sin upon himself- I strongly believe that this refers to the evolution of man. See, before man- there was just animals- no self-awareness.

To further understand- I’ll shed some more light on my theories regarding the Soul:

The Soul is running away from itself- in denial, just as we are. That is because, in order to create life, death needed to be created. To create ecstasy, despair needed to be created. This was the price of Balance. The soul took upon itself those ugly qualities (the ones listed halfway through what I’ve written so far) so that it might give birth to the positives. The Soul did this so that it could have meaning, and because it was inevitable- it was in its nature to bestow benevolence. This soul is our God, and is always a part of us….Okay, for the time being ending creepy mystical mutterings…

Naturally, the Soul could not bear this state of being (hell), so it thrust itself into its creation, and became ignorant. The soul enjoyed bliss in this ignorance- animals, plants, and all life at that time, had naught but instincts, and thus had no reason to find the Soul. This is not unfeasible, as most humans today have the gift of self-awareness but do not use it, leaving it dormant.

But, in accordance with Balance, the Soul innately struggled to correct the imperfection of its beasts, and these struggles took on the form of evolution, with its battle-scars taking on the form of mutation, and its confusion was mirrored in natural chaos. As the struggle became exponentially intense, a split occurred within the Soul- this was also a necessity of balance. The struggle had reached a level so great that it threatened to destroy Balance, and an innate failsafe defense mechanism was activated within Balance, resulting in the first miracle. This miracle, having split the Soul into two, formed what I will call the “Thesis” and “Antithesis”. Both the Thesis and Antithesis seek to be reunited under a Synthesis- but, in accordance with balance, this is not possible because that desire is neutralized with an equal and opposite force.

*Please note: Contrary to Augustine‘s theory that God exists outside time, my account, assuming “God” to be “the creator”, exists within time– Balance always exists, therefore time does. Even though God has always existed, he did within time, because Balance is also eternal. My “God” is also not infinite, and is bound by the laws of Balance.

The desire for synthesis is mirrored in our own lives to this day, because it is necessary for Balance. One might ask the question, is there then the possibility that there is also imbalance?- But if the answer was yes, that would be a moot paradox, so I wouldn’t bother. (see Illogical)

Also, these events are somewhat reflected in the story of Cain and Abel.

Eventually, amid the struggles between the negative and positive that is the Soul, life evolved into increasingly complex organisms. But, in accordance with Balance, existence must be sustained by non-existence- thus, As many who are born must die. Because the animals were reproducing and flourishing, more were being born than were dying.

*Please note- keep in mind that although the Thesis and Antithesis are fighting, neither are self-aware of it, as their self-awareness is dormant within now-primitive life. Their subconsciousness’s are dualing, and they are only aware of the effects, in the forms of chaos and mutation.

*Also- these circumstances are reflected in the story of Noah’s Ark, particularly Gen. 6:1-7.

Now Balance was approaching the failsafe point, and- aware that the Soul had self-awareness, corrected the deficit by calling out the Soul (Antithesis and Thesis) to make a choice: allow the creation to be destroyed (which would be the second miracle), or make another sacrifice to correct the Balance in their stead. Because the Soul was now two different beings, the choice would have to be made separately. This decision could have been the long-awaited Synthesis, because both the Negative and Positive desired for life to continue flourishing. But Synthesis did not come to be.

The Positive Essence decided to sacrifice its self-awareness eternally, taking the form of Heaven or, more accurately, Nirvana.

The Negative Essence decided to keep it’s self-awareness, but eternally resigned its right to ignorance, forever tormented to the ends permitted by Balance- its unhappiness mirroring the happiness of life, and vice versa. Thus, in order for life to be happy, it must be unhappy- we essentially depend on the unhappiness of the negative essence. It took the form of Hell or, more accurately, Samsara.

*Please note that there is a big difference between ignorance and self-awareness. The Positive Essence did not become ignorant by losing its self-awareness- if fact, if I understand Buddhism philosophy correctly, losing self-awareness is essential for losing all ignorance.

*As you probably already guessed, the Positive Essence’s sacrifice was mirrored through the life and teachings of Gautama Buddha.

*Also note- The irony: Buddha discovered that the cause of human suffering was ignorance, but this is only one type of truth, which is derived from the Positive essence. Just as our well-being mirrors Samsara, our self-awareness mirrors the Positive Soul’s lack thereof. Thus, because the Positive Soul is statically in a state of Nirvana, Balance must correct our ignorance with suffering, in accordance with Nirvana’s complete lack of ignorance. On the other hand our ignorance can also grant us happiness, as ignorance makes our creator (the Negative side) unhappy. In other words, two negatives, when multiplied, make a positive. See here: God hates being ignored. Why do you think this commandment takes top spot on the 10?

*The Negative Essence was mirrored long before the Positive Essence did (Hinduism), but the effects were not fully realized until the life of Jesus. Because of the complications caused by the division of the Essences, and the sacrifices thereof, many miracles occurred up until the time of Jesus, and echoed until long after, in accordance. The effects of the Positive Essence need no be mirrored long, because it actually returned to its original self- essentially rendering it’s role in the creation of life nonexistent. The original miracle through Which Nirvana’s choice was reflected, was told in the allegory of Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25:30-34). Just as Esau gave up his birthright, Nirvana did as well. Key here is verse 34: …”thus Esau despised his birthright.” This mirrors the notion that Nirvana did not want it’s birthright, because self-awareness actually held it captive, thus being more a hindrance than help.

(Just a thought)

Mirroring how Samsara took every kind of agony possible upon itself, Jesus took every sin upon himself. The Negative Essence became Samsara, taking Hell upon itself so that we might live- thus, the balance, at least for the time being, was complete.

Now all that remains is our choice. Because we were made in the Image of the Soul, we have self-consciousness. However, our self-consciousness is incomplete- metaphorically speaking, half complete. This is why we have two selfs. One of our selves has self-awareness, the other does not. That is because we are based upon and depend on two different Essences, of one Soul- one Essence has self-consciousness; the other does not. These two different selfs take the form of the Id and Ego.

The Id is the self-consciousless persona, derived from Nirvana

The Ego is the self-conscious persona, derived from Samsara

thus, Balance is achieved, and all that is left is for us to make the choice:

The Antithesis, the Thesis, or the Synthesis?

If we choose the Antithesis, Nirvana is achieved, ultimately

If we choose the Thesis, We will maintain self-awareness, but perpetually share with the happiness and unhappiness of the Samsara. Unfortunately, to correct the Imbalance required for us to live, we must ultimately suffer, as the suffering must outweigh happiness to compensate for life. This will continue, until we either choose Nirvana, or the third choice- the Synthesis:

Not a true Synthesis, but: We run away from our true selves, gaining ignorance through bliss, and pleasure through Denial. This is, unfortunately, the choice of the vast majority of the world. Although it is clearly the best choice for us, it is the greatest sin one can possibly commit, as we are gaining pleasure as the direct consequence of God’s suffering. That is because by ignoring God we are doing that which makes him suffer most, and thus gain the greatest pleasure from it.

To end with a few verses that best reflect that last paragraph:

Mark 8- “34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life^[c] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?” If you really think about it, you’ll be taken off-guard at how closely these words match up to this post! ps.- this is probably the most on-the-spot biblical re-translation I’ve ever done on the spot in my life- guess I showed that Redneck/Asshole!

World of Pretend

Of all the music artists I’ve listened to, none even compare in the art of subliminal messages than Linkin Park. Not only that, but the amount of wisdom and philosophy tucked under the hood of their songs is awe-inspiring- at least for me. I believe that the Bible is intended not as a manual to living life, but to understanding why we live life the way we do. To understand the Bible, you must realize that it does not matter how things turn out ultimately (the ends), or even what our intentions were (the means)- Both of these are irrelevant. What truly matters is that we understand why we live life the way we do- the Bible helps us understand this, but what really makes it unique- and what makes Linkin Park unique, is that the more that you read it, and relate it to your own perception, the more you can learn from it. In particular, Linkin Park’s song “Forgotten” has the most meaning of any of their songs (to me), and the translation found in “Reanimation” actually leaves even more meaning behind. So this is the 3rd post I’ve had that’s a homage to “Forgotten”, and the title is actually one of the lines in that song:

(“Then with the eyes shut / looking through the rust and rot and dust / a small spot of light floods the floor | And pours over the rusted world of pretend | The eyes ease open and its dark again”)

When people are in love, be it with God, some religion, google, or another human, many times- probably most times it starts with blind passion. The problem with blind passion though, is that if our perception of our object of desire changes even in the slightest, be it by change of information (i.e. “you were lying when you said you were rich?!?”) change of priority (i.e. “I don’t get the sex I ‘need’ from him/her”) or just learning new information (i.e. “I’m having a baby”)

When I was a Christian, and when I was in love, I really knew I was a Christian and in love. There was no doubt in my mind- I was on fire for Jesus and loved Elyse. But, in retrospect it was blind passion for both her and God. So the question is, “Was I really in love and a Christian”?

The answer is both true and false. In the present I was not, but in the past I was. In other words, the ability to look back gives us the ability to see things that no longer exist as if they did, because they exist in memory (which is also explained in “Forgotten”). We have all sorts of different realities, but the ones with which this post is especially concerned, is the realities of past, present, and future. That is, are the realities of past and future just as “real” as that which is right in front of us- the present?

I would say yes, and here’s why: Because in the past I was in love, and was a Christian, I was able to learn and grow from it- after all, how would I know that it was “blind passion” now, unless I had matured? Even if I was blind, I still lived as if it was true, because I believed it to be. As long as we believe, it is true- it only is false if we believe it as such. As I explained in Id versus Ego, faith is a product of Id, naturally because Id’s essence is blind desire/passion. No logic can convince a person driven by Id of anything, since Id is illogical. This knowledge has helped me understand human psychology and motivation a great deal- before I was constantly irritated by other’s actions, because they were illogical. Now I know why. Id is still truth, just a different kind of truth. So logically, I wasn’t a Christian and I wasn’t in love, but I was illogically- no doubt about that.

Christians often cite the fact that people underwent so much persecution in the name of Jesus, and of Christianity. So much work was done, so much was sacrificed, so many lives given. So it must be true, right? Until now I have either suspended judgement, or discounted their actions as foolish. But while Christianity may be illogical in essence, it wasn’t supposed to be any more than God is. So that claim, in its own right, is justified. However, it should be noted that it was, and is, true to Christians. It was true to me, but not anymore. The Bible however, does have some truth to me though.

I’ll probably add to this later, but that’s good enough for now…

Denial

Although I have only thought of the contents of this post right now, this post is a milestone post because (a) It is the cumulation of what I have written in several posts in the past (most of which are still untyped, unfortunately) and (b) these thoughts are breakthrough-level insights.

In my inquiries regarding motivation (which have been the cause of much anxiety in the past week), I have gained many insights and had some exciting discoveries, of spiritual, mystical, and psychological nature. Now I have finally reached the single answer to what motivates us all. Of course, in my post Pride I had pretty much figured it out, but an answer is useless if you do not understand it, as I do now. See, although it is true that everything we do is motivated by pride, I failed to consider “Why?” The reason why can naturally be answered in one word, which (as you have no doubt guessed) is Denial. Yes I have to bold it, for emphasis :P

In other words, we live life in denial, running away from the truth, and using pride as an excuse. I can think of examples of this all over the place- the Crusades, the gross amount of deception in many relationships, politics, religion, and the paradox of trust. What is the paradox of trust, you ask? Well actually I coined the term, but it goes like this:

(1) Trust has the innate requirement of honesty, with complete trust requiring total honesty.

(2) Trust also requires that someone/something is dependable, as trust is the essence of dependence.

(3) Nothing in this world is dependable, because, in and of itself, nothing is perfect.

(4) Therefore, trust requires assuming the impossible- in other words, any level of trusting something/someone requires believing in lies (to compensate for imperfection) or if possible, completely ignore the imperfections, to the point that they do not (perceptively) exist.

(5) Inversely, gaining someone’s trust requires deceiving when needed to compensate for one’s perceived imperfections, and/or manipulating others into completely ignoring one’s imperfections.

Thus, the only way to solve the paradox of trust is to compensate one’s imperfection with lies, and not get caught (if one gets caught lying, that would destroy the trust achieved). But this only half-solves it, as all those between which the trust is built are still lying, and being lied to. Even if awareness of the lies are limited to each individual, they are still lies, and so true trust does not exist. Even if God is perfect, we still cannot truly trust him, as trust is mutual, and God cannot trust us, knowing we are imperfect.

Getting back to the point: What is it then, that we are in denial of, that we are running away from? Well, as illustrated in “the paradox of trust” (as I hereby coin it), we are running away from the truth.

The truth hurts. While searching for views on truth, I found a blog post here. At the beginning of the post, thoughtsonquotes summarized what I’m about the clarify in this post, with the following words:

Most people don’t want to know the truth. Instead, they want validation for existing beliefs or positions. They do this for several reasons: ego, denial, ignorance and insecurity.

My take is that “ego”, “ignorance”, and “insecurity” all fall under “denial”, of course. In my post Love, although lacking in many areas, was correct in underlying premise:

Humans have certain beliefs that, although intrinsically illogical, our mind relies on to some extent for survival, such as:

(a) “We are more important than [at least a few] other people” (b) “We will live forever”                 (c) “We have a defining purpose for our existence” (d) “[at least some] people need us”

The fulfill these impossibilities, we force ourselves into denial, believing lies in order to maintain our “sanity”, and/or happiness. Thus, the best way to be happy is to give ourselves dreams that cannot be fulfilled, and spend our lives trying to achieve them.

To immortalize ourselves, we become “good people” (believing in the lies of religion) or invest in the community (utilizing the “paradox of trust) or prepare our children for a better future (which relies on the fallacy that the future is a reflection of the past, or that we can know anything with certainty. (as you might have realized by that last assertion, I am a total skeptic. Well, I guess I have been for a while, but just never seriously considered it. This is one of my Living Contradictions.

Well, the rest is adequately explained in the Love post.

So why is it that the truth hurts? What agony could be so great that we have an innate compulsion to run away from it, live in this denial, lest the truth overtake us, and we be overwhelmed by it? If it exists and has a nature similar to that which I am discovering it to be, the soul knows the answer, and in all probability, the pain we feel when awareness of the truth peaks- it may well reflect the agony that the soul is experiencing. But while I do not know the answers, one thing that I am certain of (although no more “certain” than everyone else is “certain” of their lies :P ) :

In order for the truth to exist there must be lies- I feel that the fact that we are in denial is out of necessity, to maintain balance. That is, without truth, nothing would exist, because truth is the essence of lies. This brings up another important question: What is lies? No, not what common sense, or the dictionary tells us. I never was one to follow “common sense” anyway. But rather, “Why?” do lies exist (even outside the necessity by which to distinguish truth), what purpose do they serve, ultimately. Of course, this is a question well beyond the nature of deception, however.

This goes beyond the word, even the concept, and is probably a question that will go unanswered, because it relies on the unreliable premise that things are as we perceive them, which I don’t believe in to begin with. Perhaps things are how we see them. That’s how my brother sees things, being a materialist. Perhaps I am an idealist not because I have intuitively concluded so, but simply because I am in denial, that I don’t want to accept the way things are. This isn’t unlikely, because I, being human, have the innate desire for change, and to perpetually view the world differently, making the present and the future one, and the past irrelevant.

In the End

In Linkin Park’s song of the same name (yes this is another homage to them), they express their feelings regarding the aftermath of a failed LTR, right? Well, that might be the superficial message, but as I explained in Dear Diary, there is another underlying message- which in this case is a metaphor of the journey of life, or- more importantly, not taking anything for granted, as especially not the amount of potential we each have. Since I saw the underlying messages of Hybrid Theory prior to listening to Reanimation, I was stoked when I realized that many of the songs in Reanimation, in addition to the obligatory remixing, explained the underlying messages. I have a feeling it’s more fan service to those who already knew, because those who didn’t might not even see the connection. Well, maybe the “ignorant aren’t as stupid as I think :P- so who knows.

The message in “In the End”, is, in addition to “don’t take life for granted”- No matter what the outcome is, the journey itself is more important. What we’ve learned in life proves to be invaluable, and thus of far more worth than material gain, “perfection”, or anything else. This also means that mistakes are what makes life worth living. The Ends doesn’t justify the Means, and the Means doesn’t justify the Ends, because both are irrelevant. The Journey itself is all that really matters in the long run. That’s the message, in fewer words, they [Linkin Park] were trying to convey.

That’s also a lifestyle which has defined my whole life, although I didn’t *know* it till recently. I think in many ways, I was living life the *right* way long before I knew what was right, as if I was being guided by God, spirits- use your imagination…(!) I’ve learned (to word things a bit differently) that what’s really important is not *what* we decide, the decisions we make, or the outcome of these decisions- be it good or bad. These things are trivial in comparison to the importance of knowing why we ourselves made those decisions. That is, motivation is what is most important.

As I said in Pride, “we exist to find meaning”, and that meaning is in our motivation- because without motivation, which is in turn ultimately driven by pride, “we are nothing”. That is, we cannot learn from our mistakes unless we know why we made them, and we cannot help others with their problems unless both of us know why the problems exist. I have written a few posts that were inspired by the troubles of a certain co-worker, but I did not until recently consider that I could not help them until I knew the source of their problems. Well, I was looking for the source, but in all the wrong areas. I was thinking circumstantial, when I should have been looking life. Once I considered that they had perhaps not learned from their mistakes because they did not know what the mistakes were- it became clear: they were immature. I will detail this in a future post, probably named “Immature”, but don’t expect it too much :P

I have spent so much time these past couple years trying to get to know myself- an unrelenting obsession. Although I was doing it for myself, I had no idea how much that the problems in the world, and lack of success of people can be directly attributed to people not knowing themselves. most people assume they do, and/or allow other people to take that responsibility, when those very people don’t know themselves either. In other words, it’s the Blind leading the Blind– a one-way ticket to hell-on-earth, to hyperbolize.

I’ve always considered myself the “unconventional” type, but really, what is convention? If convention is merely a signature characteristic, then I just have more unique conventions than most. One of these conventions is doing or saying things that I know are radical, unusual, controversial or just-plain-stupid. The reason why is not because I want to look like an asshole, dunce, or know-it-all, but so that I can find out why things are the way they are- what the motivation behind traditions, “common-sense”, “do-not’s”, etc. is. I want to know, even if it means getting hurt (actually, I’m jaded to pain by now). Just the other day, I pedaled my bike to full-speed, then slammed on both breaks simultaneously, in from of a parked vehicle. I knew it was dangerous, but I wanted to find out exactly why. I knew I would fall, but that wasn’t important. It was a very exhilarating experience- the bike did a full 180* flip- and luckily I didn’t get a scratch. The bike was fine too, although the light was completely busted.

Every once in a while I come across an opportunity which a voice inside tells me is fate. When that happens- it’s quite magical, because it’s almost like I have power over the future. The first instinct was to go along with fate, but after thinking about it a while, I realized that fate does not exist to decide life for us, over even to give us the decision. Fate exists so that we do not take life for granted. Fate exists, so that we can recognize why we made the choice- that’s the gift God has given us. The only thing we can’t control is destiny- for all of us it’s the same- pretty simple: we die.

So not every time I see fate reveal itself, I thank God (though I don’t know who or what “God”, or even if he “is”) for the opportunity given me, to not just make the choice, but understand why I made it.

Our Purpose

Human beings, being intelligent beings, have to have reason to go on, collectively, this forms our purpose
Thus, we work towards the hope of accomplishing this purpose. and yet, the dilemma remains. Once we accomplish our purpose, we will have no reason to live. Because of that, in order for us to go on, we must never accomplish our purpose. So we go on in hopes of accomplishing the purpose that we in fact will not. Suicide is the result of people who either feel they have no purpose, that they have lost their purpose, or that they have accomplished their purpose. So the question that can be derived from this, is it better to accomplish the purpose and die on your terms, or never accomplish it and die naturally. This perspective almost makes those who commit such an act look sane.

Everything accomplished must have a reason in order to be accomplished. A human being cannot accomplish something without a reason. This is a vital part of our psychology. The more driving the cause, the greater our performance when accomplishing our purpose. Love, for example, is one of the most renowned purposes. It has been the cause of great and terrible things. Thus, the key to unlocking our potential is a purpose worth having. In this way, Christianity indeed has made the world a better place. It has also made the world a terrible place in the past. Both of these results, as diverse as they may be, are radical in their intensity for the same reason- they both are founded upon a powerful purpose. Communism, for example, led to a number a great things. Terrible, yes, but great. The reason for this is because the goal was something worth striving for- social harmony and unity. Granted, this goal was never accomplished, and in fact quite the opposite in many ways. But in a way Communism is like humans, in that we never accomplish our purpose, or if we do we lose our reason to live.

Video Games and Love

It’s strange. I have a whole lot to say on the topic of love, even though I’ve never had a girlfriend, never had sex, and have had so few friends in my life that I can count. my advice has helped a lot of people, and old people say the things I know are things most don’t learn in their lives. why must I be cursed with this oximoronic existance? Oh well, I think I’ll make friends eventually.

I just offered advice to someone who wondered how they could hate someone they loved. in it, I provided the perfect analogy of video games: why, you ask?

video games usually consist of multi levels, each being progressively harder. there are several strategies for winning, and many of these are comparable with love
for example, if you were to start the game on the last level, or on a game intended for experienced gamers, you would hate the game because it’s too hard. in addition to not being familiar with the controls as you should have been by that point, you have no gaming experience and you are only humiliated by them game, going above and beyond a lack of entertainment and resulting in depression/anger/etc.

this applies to love in that if you give each other high expectations early on, you will hate each other for continually “losing,” and develop other negative emotions like depression and anger.

in video games, one of the ways to have more fun during the majority of the game is to build up stats, inventory, etc during the beginning stages of the game, as much as possible. then you can exercise your newfound excessive brawn for the rest of the game, making for a very rewarding experience.

in love, it is the same. If you stay on “the first stage” of love (maintain low expectations) for a long period of time, when you do raise the expectations as a challenge to test the strength of the love, the results will undoubtably be A+, which also makes for a very rewarding experience.

To add another similarity,

a video game is usually most fun if you choose one that plays on your strengths. for example, get Chessmaster if you’re good at logic, get MonkeyBall if you’re good at judgement & intuition, get Halo if you have good reflexes and dexterity, or get the Sims if you’re good at planning and problem-solving.

with love, it’s the same way. it’s not a good idea to fall in love with someone you’re not actually interested in, because once the passion dies down you’re screwed.