Reverse Psychology

As hinted by the slowing in the amount of posts I’ve been writing (especially considering I was supposed to write considerably more, since there are about 50 posts that I have already written but not typed!), I have been in a state of great confusion. After having done so much, gotten so far, I have enjoyed the happiness that goes with looking down on the valley from whence I’ve come, while I myself am nearing the plateau, surrounded by clouds and fog. But with that happiness has come much negativity, these mixed feelings resulting in a mildly chaotic chaos. I believe that I have, to an unknown extent, the ability to see the future, or to be more precise, my future.Although I have a few examples of this, that is not really the priority, but it is something to look back on. When I get around to it though, I’ll add these to my living contradiction page, but FTR that page will be soon changed to this one: unique qualities. In my Essence of the Soul post, I conveyed the main character as having certain feelings, and going through certain surreal experiences– this came at a time where I had given up, and then restarted work on the book, finding new inspiration. Not long after restarting, for the first time I realized the true power of writing fiction- what I wrote were not words that I had any say in, they just came into being, flowed into my mind. It was as if I was merely writing the story that I was told. This is how true masterpieces are written I think- the true power of writing. I believe this is how the Bible was written- and *note I believe the Bible to be true. Although I call it fiction, I think truth is found in everything- fiction is how we convey truth that exists outside the physical world- fantasy, spirit, gods and demons- these are things that we cannot explain directly because they are not physical. Fiction is simply the metaphor of truth, that’s what I believe.

Of what I wrote, of which I did not understand, much of it I have felt these past few weeks, and just as in the book, these feelings have continued to grow, almost akin to an expanding throbbing. I have felt much confusion, and suffered because of it. I know I must make a decision, and I know which decisions are possibilities, but I don’t know which one to make. That is because I don’t know what I want, or rather, I desire too much, and have been overwhelmed by my insatiable amount of desires- thus the state of confusion.

Perhaps I foresaw this- no, I’m sure on some level I did- it really started when I was still living with my aunt. The time that it started happening was definitely puberty- that I’m sure of. That was probably when I started putting up walls- it first started with feelings being possessed, doing things that I know that there was no reason for me to do them, not knowing why, but only that I did them. There have been other times even when I was younger, but this was the most disturbing instance. It was as if I was sleepwalking, and then woken up, thinking “Why am I doing these things?”

After that came “the voices” no, not schizophrenic- these are voices that I could not understand. I understood the feelings from “the voices”- there were definitely feelings attached. I could not understand the words, but I think that this was because I understood the feelings- I saw beyond what I heard, and reached out. Well, now I’m talking surreal, about the spiritual world, something I as of yet cannot understand well enough. I am merely stringing together words hoping to convey matters that even now I do not understand, in hopes that another might reach these feelings, and help enlighten me about what they mean. Back then though, I did not understand all this. I heard the words, but only understood the feelings. The feelings were negative, chaotic, painful. Although it was but a glimpse, I knew that the source of these feelings must be in a state of agony, engulfed in hell. I did not want to experience such things, and was depressed, and ran away from these feelings. I wanted the voices to go away. I found the answer to how to make them go away, although I did not understand it. I began to open up to other people, began to talk a ridiculous amount- communication became the reason for my existence.

Even with talking, I was still plagued by confusion and chaos, though the effects were reduced to the background of my life. Then I discovered the power of writing. I first began writing to help other people. I found I was able to look at the different aspects of life, and understand and explain them as if I lived them- no, in my mind I had already lived them, just not physically. Any time that I have decided to do something, I always lose all motivation, because I feel that I have already done it. Perhaps it might be in part because, in doing anything, it would only prove that I can do it, and such a motivation is fragile and superficial.

I soon found that I could also write for my own benefit, and eventually my writings, which started with the motivations of humanity, changed to my own motivation. In this I began to find my greatest happiness, and it was at this point that my hobby turned to obsession- my interest turned to a dream. I have been living through a dream since I began this journey of self-discovery, and I have learned much in this dream, and improved upon my character much. But this is a dream which I must either decide is reality, or wake up from. Time will go on, and so must I. I must either choose the reality of my own making, or the reality prepared for me. I also foresaw this decision in the Essence of the Soul with these lines:

“As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I consulted a friend to advise me on making this decision- to which he responded “first list the things that you want”. But of course, I want too much! So I puzzled over the question “what do I want?” This is a question I have thought about for sometime, though to little avail. But then I remembered what I had written other posts in the past- something that (once I get around to it) it be rightfully added to Premises, under “Motivation”: “The most effective way to define anything is to determine its exact opposite, and compare them”; and “The most effective way to change anything is to concentrate on doing its exact opposite”.

It was then that I realized that, although my desires are overwhelming and innumerable, what I hate- that which I do not desire- these are relatively few. This is wear “Reverse Psychology” comes in. Not the usually meaning, but the process by which it’s done- reverse psychology on myself, in certain respects. Those things that I want most- that in my mind I have a special place for- they would be the exact opposite of what I hate, what I want the very least- those things that would pain me most. By knowing this, I already can know what I really want, who I really am. By this method I can separate the chaff from the wheat, metaphorically speaking, and know what I truly want, and what are just things that I “happen” to be interested in.

Of course, there’s nothing that I truly hate, I just hate some things more than others. Hatred is, after all, not an object. It is a measure- an ideal. Hatred both infinitely exists and does not exist- it’s existence, like all ideals, can only be determined on an individual basis. But I can determine what I desire most by what I hate most, and determine my priorities using this scale.

This is not just for me though- I know that everyone can use this same method to determine their true desires, and it is my desire that others may benefit from this knowledge, as I have.

For example: I know I don’t want enemies- therefore I want friends. However, I also want enemies, but only out of curiosity. This is mirrored in an ironic way- as I want friends mainly out of curiosity. The opposite affect each other thus. I don’t want to be alone- that is something that I don’t want for any reason. So I know that I want to socialize. Even though, out of curiosity I  may want enemies, I know that I don’t want to be hated- therefore I want to be loved. These are things that I knew, but did not understand- I can understand because I have a standard by which to compare. That is the power of Absolutes- only with absolutes is understanding possible. This is also why absolutes (words) are an essential part of communication. I have made my decision, but that will be highlighted another post.

One-Sided

As I’ve mentioned in several posts in the past, notably Friendship, Oops, and Betrayal- despite having been a friend of several different people over the years, I have yet to find someone that I could truly reciprocate that friendship. It’s quite complicated, but basically (!) I am a friend to others, and to those people I am also their friend. But the friendship is in reality one-sided, because even though I may be “friendly” and even go out of my way to provide assistance at my own experience to certain people, there is no one that I favor significantly more than anyone else. That is, even those I am close with are not much more of a friend to me than Joseph Stalin. I show favoritism to no one.

However, this of course depends on the definition of friendship. For example, if friendship if something that I am not supposed to decide, but rather other people, then it may not be one-sided after all. For the record, this post is one of those already written a long time ago posts (naturally!) and I am actually “cheating” by including revised thought. But in either case, for more “revised thought” regarding friendship, see Interdependence. Well then again, this is also a yet-to-be-typed post, and so that will also be revised in accordance. Now to the main attraction:

Even then however, I truly thought they were my friends. In fact, they were probably as much my friends as I was a Christian for 16 years. But just as I renounced it upon finally considering the prospect of there being other truths, I “renounced” friendship after finally considering the notion that I had taken for granted that I had friends, not considering the true meaning of friendship- that is, more than just an acquaintance I spend a lot of time with. That’s probably what, in my “heart of hearts”, I wanted to believe. Not because I was in need of friends (to this day I am not)- although I thought for the longest time this was the case. It was simply because I wanted to “fit in”, to “belong”. I was supposed to have friends, thus I did. I do want friends now, but not out of need, but out of curiousity. I also don’t need sex, but I do want it- and for the same reason: curiousity, nothing more. Outside of that there is no desire for love, sex, friendship, etc.

But in reality, friendship cannot be chosen anyway, it’s a natural occurrence . Even enemies are inadvertently in need of each other. This is because both friends and enemies share one thing in common- the Psychological Bond- which I have yet to experience.

Now I know that “it’s not just me”- after all, I have only just become aware of it development now, and have not in my entire life experienced this supposedly inevitable element of life. Some people would call this unnatural (even I agree with that), but it would be foolish not to take into consideration the advantage of this trait. As you may have noticed (if you read my Habits post), just as habits and traditions are very similar, friendship, love, and relationships in general have a lot in common with habits: They are both the direct result of a need to ease the transitions of adaptation, and are both key to success.

In addition to adding a significant amount of stability to the areas of social health and self-esteem, strong relationships provide reliable financial, practical, emotional, and sexual assistance. At its very best, friendship can save one’s life, or ensure the thwarting of many other tragedies. It would, taking everything into account, be wise to “have friends in high places” for this very reason.

But, as I thoroughly explained in my Love post, friendship does have at least one major drawback: loss; fortunately (!) this drawback does not apply to me. I prefer to think of it as a “cheat code” or “loop hole”-       I can experience all of the benefits and advantages of friendship without the drawbacks. All I have to do is make all of those I’ve “chosen” think that I consider them my friends.

In addition to all of this, there is one more additional bonus: the entire time that I’m developing “friendships”, I’ll gain endless amounts of my favorite kind of entertainment: mind games. Skipping between personal priorities and those of my “friends”, strategically making them think “we have something other’s do not” (which would be very much true, but *they don’t know what that “something” is*). Just contemplating the concept alone is exciting. Now before you ask “but wouldn’t that completely undermine your candidity?”, I’ll point out that, in the next few months I’ll be transitioning to the ending of my “candid” phase (and being really *honest* with myself, it really was just a phase)- so this will no longer apply to me.