Psychic

As I’ve mentioned or inferred in several posts in the past, I believe myself to, some extent, have psychic powers. This will be the first, and presumably only post that is completely dedicated to such an assertion.

A few weeks ago, when I got my iPhone fixed (even though it was outside warranty due to a Jailbreak, the guy at the counter generously ignored that fact) I installed and tried out the game “Reaction!”, to kill time during a Caltrain trip. It was then that I found my first concrete evidence of my psychic abilities, and started to take them seriously. Before it was just entertaining thoughts, but now I know for sure there is definite potential for application to real life.

Here’s how it went:

(a) I tested my reflexes with utmost concentration to get the best reaction times.

with this method my average times were 400-600 milliseconds, with an occasional 3.

(b) I emptied my mind as much as possible, waiting not for the physical change, but instead expecting a particular sensation: this sensation, depending upon my state of mind, the circumstances, and the environment, can take the form of a sound, an emotion, a sense of being jerked, touched, etc., and in most cases, it’s a combination of these. Once the presence of this sensation becomes clear, I concentrate on the nature of it’s existence (i.e. what kind it is), and what it’s telling me about the object in question- which in this case, is the mechanics of the reflex game.

Using this method, I consistently (even after hundreds of tests) achieved an average of 200-400 milliseconds seconds, with an occasional 1.

*Note that with both methods, “occasional 1/3” refers to between 100-200 milliseconds, and between 300-400 milliseconds– i.e., About 150 milliseconds for the latter*

I also pushed my luck by using my “powers” to achieve lower times with my eyes closed. This would remove all doubt that the powers were psychic, since such coincidences are essentially impossible to achieve by conventional means. Although the results were far from consistent, it was with my eyes closed that I got the occasional 1. I did not get any lower than 200 milliseconds with my eyes open.

It is a widely held belief that (a) intuition exists, and (b) it is inherently unreliable. But I think that is a misconception. It is not intuition that is unreliable it is us. If intuition is spiritual knowledge manifested in us (which I believe it to be), that would make it the knowledge of God– that is, knowledge that takes into account everything- all that is. Human beings are imperfect, and we constantly make mistakes with our own knowledge. So then, since God’s knowledge is so far beyond us, if we are to apply God’s knowledge to our own lives, despite being imperfect, our imperfections will be extremely exaggerated, that it might match the gap between the knowledge that we comprehend, and that knowledge which we never will, since it is so far beyond us.

If intuition is that far beyond us in scope, it’s only natural that we, using that which we will never understand it, might perceive it as unreliable. For me, the example that first comes to mind is a person, having never used computers, trying to create a blog using wordpress.org software. While it is arguably the most powerful blog software in existence, the learning curve is insanely high to a novice, so it would be impossible for a newbie to use. So on that basis, the majority of people might say that wordpress.org software is critically lacking. It’s not that wordpress is lacking, or that intuition is lacking, it’s us who are.

I believe intuition to be infinite in application– how we apply it depends on our own potential. Whenever I see an opportunity, I train my mind, that I might be able to more consistently utilize my inherent intuitive (and by extension, psychic) abilities. If I’m able to fine-tune them to a reasonable level, it might even get to the point that I can safely walk outside, cross streets, and get to and from destinations, blindfolded; I may be able to sing songs I’ve never heard perfectly without the lyrics; or I may be able to absorb information, without reading it, but simply following it with my fingers. Of course, there are more idealistic goals like mind-reading, spiritual awareness, etc.- but for now I think I’ll stick with what I seem to specialize in: prophesy.

While I’ve found my evidence in short-term prophesy (the reflex game), I’ve been more-or-less aware of my prophetic gift for a few years now, although I did not begin to understand it till fairly recently. It started, ironically, in the relm of dreams. I believe that all dreams are, in one way or another, prophetic, and that they all play some role in regards to the future– if its use does not become evident to the initial dream, they, and their reincarnations/etc., will dream it, or variations of it, as many times as possible until it comes to terms with its purpose. As the saying goes, “where dreams end, reality begins”

This has been the case especially with me. I’ve had several dozen recurring dreams, a few of which I could list off the top of my head. Of these, there is one that particularly stands out, and that which has no evident link to anything I’ve experienced in reality (that is, outside a dream-state or “episode”): Although there are several variations of it, there are a few traits in common: (1) suffocation (2) helplessness (3) agony. But by far the most distinctive, and most important trait: those three traits only occur after a certain stage in the dream: (4) Become aware that it is a dream, and subsequently wanting to forcibly wake up from it. I also get the feeling that #4 is also ultimately the reason the prior traits are experienced, which is also of significance. I go into great detail regarding this in Kurushii.

Probably the first time I had that kind of dream was when I was 7 years old, and the most recent time was just a few days ago. But I think that, now that the dream has fulfilled its purpose, I won’t have it anymore. But the first time that I became aware of my “powers”, although at that point I had not identified them as such, was after the most extreme variation of this dream- one to which I quite literally woke up screaming and vomiting simultaneously. It was after this that my mind began to race– and these symptoms quickly escalated into Bipolar. Thinking back on it now, the timing is too convenient– this all took place at the same time that the growth hormone that I had been taking went into effect. So even if indirectly, my taking of the growth hormone caused the manifestation of my mental illness, and thus what caused my aunt to abandon me.

But after this point, which was around the time I entered King’s Academy (transferring in the second semester of 8th grade) I started becoming very stressed, attached, obsessed, and insecure. Or perhaps, I was already, but just was given a glimpse, for the first time, of who I really was. Perhaps my past was the price for this gift- I don’t know. Even back then, I was not at all aware of my feelings, or even my thoughts- perhaps it was because I didn’t want to know. I was content, in spite of all that, living in a blissful ignorance– looking back now, you couldn’t blame me. I was completely innocent. Sometimes I still long for that innocence, but I know what I really want is that kind of simple-minded happiness.

Eventually I began to hear what I called “the voices” which, although incoherent mutterings– which come to think of it are surprisingly similar to the “Culling” sound of the Wraith in Stargate Atlantis– of which I understood, and was overwhelmed, not by the voices themselves, but the emotions I sensed in them, calling out to me– all of a negative sort of desperation- not much different from the emotions I’ll describe in my Kurushii post.

In retrospect, every time I’ve had that recurring dream, and every time I’ve heard “the voices”, something life-altering happened, although- especially considering the vagueness of it all, that’s completely open to interpretation. But in either case, in one way or another, “the voices” have made incredibly drastic changes in the course of my life, which otherwise would not have been possible. The existence of them should therefore not be taken lightly.

Another manifestation of my prophetic abilities took place in my writing of the latter half of the 1st chapter of “Essence of the Soul”. The experiences I’ve been going through lately are the fulfillment of that.

Well, there are other examples of this kind, but I’ve tend to try to stay away from including too many examples in my blog posts, since it seems to redundant for my taste. So that’s about it– I’ll just be training my psychic abilities now. ps: although I already mentioned this in the previous post, just to make something clear: When I use the word “Psychic” I’m not just referring to commonly defined psychic abilities– when I use the word psychic, I’m referring any manifestation of intuitive abilities– thus: witchcraft, meditation, hypnosis, improvisation, speed-reading, and any manifestation of such kind is also psychic to me.

Philosophical Rambling

The following was originally intended to be an email, but towards the end of it, I realized that it would probably just overwhelm them, as was mostly intended for self-edification. so I decided to put all this rambling together as a th3g1vr.com post, since most of the stuff here is, like it or not, for my own self-edification too anyway…

It’s rambling for the most part, but here’s some good news for the (likely non-existent) subscribers to my blog: this post is a sneak peek of at least 5 posts which, although I can’t guarantee I’ll post by today (assuming I do have subscribers, they would know how inconsistent my posting time-frame tends to be), but I will definite post at some point, and without a doubt within the month.

Note: At the time of writing this post, I am a bit confused regarding the relationship of subjectivity to objectivity. So keep in mind, when I use the words, although I am referring to the philosophical usage, I have applied my own meaning to it, and that meaning is destined for a harsh evolution, so take that particular part of this post “with a grain of salt”.

I believe that how we perceive other people- their thoughts, actions, words, persona, etc.- and how we perceive the thoughts, actions, words, persona, etc. of God– or for that matter, of anything that we perceive, or potentially can perceive as sentient, or even anything we perceive in general, are not how those things actually are, but ourselves reflected off of those things.

now that was pretty much me trying too hard to fit a lot of information into one sentence. so let me break it down:

In the simplest of words, I believe that it’s impossible to know the objective reality of anything or anyone. But that really is beside the point- because the point is Why it is impossible: that is (in my view) because what we perceive to be objective reality (although perception is [in my view] always subjective– how we perceive things [the nature of our own perception, as determined by ourselves] is always objective– this is in fact why I believe subjectivity and objectivity to be self-cancelling paradoxes)

–perhaps I could better explain this with an analogy: Why is the sky blue? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diffuse_sky_radiation

it’s pretty much because most of the light scattered (reflected back) in the atmosphere has a short wavelength (450-495 nm)

Color	Wavelength
violet	380–450 nm
blue	450–495 nm
green	495–570 nm
yellow	570–590 nm
orange	590–620 nm
red	620–750 nm

during sunrise and sunset, and certain phenomena, other colors are shown, not because the wavelength ratios change, but because

light has the travel farther than short (i.e. blue) wavelengths can reach. interestingly enough, this would imply that such phenomena as aurora borealis would require an extremely high amount of balance between the different wavelengths, which makes it nothing short of amazing!

also of interest (on this topic) is how similar plants are in regards to light: while plants are usually greenish in color (due to the green pigment generated by chlorophyll) in the fall many plants change into a variety of colors– the reason for this is because the chlorophyll “runs out”, essentially making plants “naked”– but I can’t help but see the similarity, in that things being “stretched too far” results in the skewing of our perception.

I consider this concept one of my universal principles, meaning that has a theoretically infinite amount of potential applications:
to make such an application to our own perception of things- or more importantly, of sentient, or perceptively sentient beings:

In the same way that while we perceive the sky as being blue, it only appears that way because that most of the light reflected is within the blue wavelength of the spectrum– everything we perceive, regardless of whether our perceptions and reality coincide–

these perceptions are not reality, but reality reflected back to us. that is, our perceptions of things is the product of how we react when reality and us come into contact.

although it’s impossible to know what reality is, it is possible to know a great deal about ourselves- thus, we potentially have control of at least half of objective reality, and possibly more than that, depending on the actual nature of reality (i.e. if reality is largely intuitive, and it is possible to have psychic abilities (which in my opinion include witchcraft, psychic, meditation, hypnosis, prophesy, general intuition, etc; I will explain this in detail in future posts, which ideally I will write today).

thus, if as person is depressed, objective reality, and thus the only reality that we can be aware of, will change– I have occasionally be so depressed that the colors of Willow Glen change so much that it is completely unrecognizable– I have also been so disillusioned that I could not even recognize myself. I didn’t understand the latter until now, and- knowing now the nature of these things, I’m sure that other people have had similar experiences.

so what then, is subjective reality? when I ask that question, I’m clearly not asking for a textbook answer, although that might shed light of an actual answer. In the past, I have said “knowledge is power”, and written about it in several posts, but over time, knowledge has come to mean such that this might no longer be accurate. see, if knowledge is what I write, than it is power, but not for those who read it, but for I who writes it. that is because, although those who read it might know it, they do not understand it, and so that knowledge is useless. thus, what I write is not for others benefit as much as for my own. To apply the Epistles of the New Testament (although I’m paraphrasing) unless there is an interpreter, praying in tongues is not for the benefit of the church, but for self edification. (the original verses are 1 Corinthians 14:1-19)

thus, when I write, although it is my desire that others might benefit from it, ultimately it is for self-edification. ideally, all of such self-edification will be limited to blogging, that I might reserve my more emotional yearnings for those that might be important to me, and I to them.

But in regards to subjective reality, I’ve finally come to an answer: subjective reality exists, but its existence is, in the same way of tongues or my own blogging, only for our own benefit. To understand this, I appealed to the basics of mathematics, or the very least, algebra. Mathematics, and algebra in particular (I don’t know much of the nature of the higher levels of mathematics, but I imagine that calculus is even more abstract.)

so in other words, subjective reality is an abstract existence, an illusionary construct we created (or, like language, became intuitively aware of) in order to understand objective reality. If it is the latter (intuitive awareness of) as I believe it to be, would that not imply that subjective reality exists? it depends on whether existence requires perception (i.e. if a tree falls and no one is around, does it make a sound?) but I think it also depends on if you agree with the controversial opinions first asserted (historically speaking) *I can’t remember who, and can’t find who it was right now*– “nonexistence is a particular”– that is, “non-existence” exists.

but what is the nature of non-existence, if it “exists”? I think that, like variables are in mathematics, “non-existence” exists only as an abstract object, and thus only “subjectively”, so that we might understand “existence” I think it is in this way that everything exists and its opposite, if only abstractly. What reality actually is- that’s besides the point– if God wanted us to know it, or if it was something we should know, we would. there is definitely a reason for why we perceive things the way we do, and for me that reason is because such a perception fulfills God’s will for us.

but getting back to the point (for the umpteenth time– and surprisingly umpteenth turns out to be a word) perhaps it would be better to concentrate not on objective reality, but on objective perceptions of other people:

our perceptions of other people, regardless of whether they coincide with actual reality, are reflections of ourselves, and the product of our contact with others. that premise in mind:

who other people are, at least as far as objective reality is concerned, are essentially who we are, not who they are. Or more accurately, they are a representation of part of who we are- that part being the one that exists only at the moment of a particular moment of contact, and only when in contact with each certain variable (environmental factor). Because there are theoretically infinite factors, and theoretically infinite moments, that means that what we call “the identity” is an illusion, presumably supported by intuition- that is, because God has given us that “knowledge” so that we might have an identity.

I am of the opinion that God does not have a logical identity (something that is infinite cannot logically have an identity, because- being all that is, there would be no standard by which to establish ones identity; although we have certain certain standards of God- these are not who God is, but who we perceive him to be– furthermore, most of those standards are the inevitable natural result of God’s status as the creator (i.e. because he is the creator, he decided what is true, what is right, and what is wrong– etc., so it’s impossible for him to lie on sin, because he’s the one that established those standards in the first place- even if he were to lie or sin, it would not be lying or sin, because the moment he did it, his doing it would render it true and righteous, because he’s the one who judges those things in the first place.)

If that is the case, it’s likely that God created us so that he might work through us, thus having an identity. so indirectly we are God, in that we are God’s identity. Of course, such a role is in par with someone that has temporarily assumed a role (i.e. acting Commander in chief) in that we are easily replaceable– but this does help me to understand why God, and infinite (and thus presumably perfect) being, would create us. After all, at least from our perspective, something is not created unless there is a need to create it, meaning that God needs us. I can’t easily accept religious perspectives on the nature of God point-blank, partly because I have a great concern for the nature of God. it’s my own ego yes, but that also helps me understand who I am, because I am after all made in God’s image, and thus am a reflection of God.

ps. “made in God’s image”– brings up the visual of a person looking in a mirror so they know what they look like– I can’t help but think that those verses support my thoughts above.

but if, in the same way, our perceptions of others are a small part of a reflection of who we are (in the same way as we each reflect a small part of who God is), then knowledge of oneself can only accurately be obtained by understanding (or in my case, analyzing) the nature of each such connection, and the nature of the reaction, as well as the source of each such connection– and not only of those between other people and ourselves, but also of all environmental factors, including nature, society, culture, and even animals and inanimate objects. that is, to understand ourselves, we must not only study who we are as an isolated variable, but also who we are as determined by our connections, reactions, of the causes of such connections with all aspects of reality that can potentially be deemed relevant.

note that the identity, and in particular God’s lack of, is only measurable in the way explained above logically–which has inevitable limitations due to the lack of logical comprehension of God– that is, God is for the most part illogical..from my perspective, he is primarily intuitively known. if that is the case, then God may intuitively have an identity, but because intuitive knowledge comes from God, our knowledge of God is limited to what he tells us. but what we do know intuitively is what God intends for us to know, to fulfill his purpose for us. thus, because I know that most of what I write is largely intuitive, the fact that it conflicts with traditionally-held Christian beliefs, tells me not that I am misled, but that God’s purpose for me requires such differences….after all, it is not for us to judge whether or not a person’s beliefs are right– we can only guide others according to what we believe, and trust in God to lead us according to his purposes.

I surrender all

About 3 years ago, I stopped going to Crossroads Bible church, and about 6 months after that, I renounced Christianity. Although there were several factors leading up to this decision, it was for the most part very sudden, and everyone around me was taken off-guard by the level of resolve I had then- to the point even I was surprised. In retrospect, I recall the stereotypical drama scene in which lovers break up, because one of them realized that they had fallen out of love. I can empathize with such an individual, in that I had fallen out of love with Christianity, and I too had not realized it until the last moment. I had realized something that I did not want to- that the passion that I once had for serving God, and having a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, it had faded away, becoming nothing more than a relic of the past. By renouncing Christianity, I was not giving it up, but acknowledging that I no longer had it- a proverbial “burying my dead”

Since then, I dedicated myself to analyzing various concepts, most of which concerning motivation. After acquiring much knowledge and understanding, my journey began to learn more in the direction of self-analysis, and eventually I began to see how empty I had become. The more I tried to understand myself, the more I realized how much I was lacking- how most of “who I am” had become nothing but superficial conditioned responses. I was merely surviving, and motivated primarily by fear.

The more that I realized this emptiness, the more I longed for what I knew had filled it at one time- a personal relationship with our Lord. To achieve this, I tried to rationalize theories that justified a belief system that was compatible with my present theories and Christianity…a venture that failed miserably. Even after pondering it for weeks, there were still irreconcilable differences, and ones that I could not further compromise on- so I gave up.

A few months after this, I decided to go back to Crossroads, not to serve a God that I did not completely believe in, but to make friends, and through their support, expectations, and accountability, improve upon my own deteriorating life. Through the leaders of “The Ruckus” (our college group), I succeeded in this goal. But from the moment that I returned to Crossroads, God had already begun to work good in my spiritual life.

Through the guidance of friends around me, and my own genuine prayers to God to show me the way, I was able to be more honest with myself. I was able to see the fear, doubt, and chaos within my own life, and the scales in my eyes crumbled away. I was drawing towards despair, overwhelmed by my own unrighteousness, corruption, and the emptiness inside- those terrible feelings that I had denied all this time. But seeing that I had finally acknowledged my sin, God unburdened me from it, and at that moment it quite literally felt like an immense weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

It was then that I recognized God’s still small voice. I had heard God’s voice several times before, but I was so saturated by sin, and so bound in a protective castle of my own making, that I did not recognize his voice, being so self-absorbed in not getting hurt. Until then I heard, but did not understand. Now that I can lay myself bare before the Lord, I can hear his voice. Even now, when I acknowledge those feelings which plague me, I feel that same wonderful feeling, a refreshment that is amazingly similar to casting off a great burden. Now I can understand what Isaiah experienced when writing this verse:

Isaiah 40:31 (New King James Version)

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Today, I once again acknowledged my guilt, and asked the Lord to show me the way. God spoke to me again, and revealed to me where I was lacking: Pride. In these last couple years, I had dedicated myself not to serving God, but to justify a world where his existence was not necessary. One thing that I wanted above all, was control. Through my own reasoning, I built up a concept of life where God’s existence was not necessary, one that- in my own mind, I was in complete control. By gaining knowledge of motivation, I gained confidence in my own understanding of things, and my behavior was of one that assumed himself to always be right, taking pride in my own self-proclaimed enlightenment, and approaching concepts with perspectives that I believed only I could truly claim ownership of. I did not think in this manner, but looking back now, how I did think was merely a cover by which to justify my conceited self-righteousness.

Now I realize that even if I could reconcile my own theories with that of Christianity, it would not make any difference, because such a relationship would be one-sided. If God’s existence, nature, and purpose is only valid under my terms, to be that kind of Christian would only be mocking God. If I am to serve the most High, I must surrender all. A true relationship with God requires that I give up my pride, and let God take control of my life. God does not compromise, so I cannot serve him under my own terms. Revelation 3:15-18 (New King James Version):

15 “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. 16 So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. 17 Because you say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked— 18 I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see.

Through pride I was driven by fear and doubt to sin, but through trusting in the Lord, surrending all to Him, I can act with love driven by my desire to serve him, and in doing so bring about His righteousness. Without love, I am nothing.

Trust Fall

Spiritual Warfare

When I began to break down the walls of my heart, and was overwhelmed by the explosive release of mixed emotions, I did not first hear the voice of God, but was first plagued by Satan. Consumed by these feelings of fear, chaos, and doubt, I became panicked, anxious, and depressed– an “emotional breakdown” you could say. At the time I did not recognize the voice as being Satan’s, just as I had not recognized God’s, but I believed that voice, and resigned myself to it- I was giving up. All other options were dead to me at that point- it got to the point that I wanted peace so much, that I was willing to die for it. I might have gotten that bittersweet wish, but God had other plans, and had already put them into place long before, although none of those plans were clear to me until I was ready for them, ready to hear God’s voice.

To hear God’s voice, I had to also hear Satan’s voice, but I know without a doubt, that even if I had not heard Satan’s voice, even before that he was working evil in me. That is why it’s important to recognize Satan’s voice, so that you may fight against it, by appealing to God’s voice. Right now there is a battle within me, between my old flesh and new spirit- between the fear, chaos, and doubt lurking within me, and the passion, peace, and hope that will overcome.

Although Satan may cause hardships for me, through these hardships God is working good in me, building in me (to paraphrase Romans 5:4) perseverence, which in turn produces character, and of character comes hope. That hope definitely isn’t disappointing me, because through it God gives me the strength to continue on, with the expectation that, through Him, I will definitely win this war within me.

As I read the Bible (which until these past few months, I had almost ceased to do) I feel doubts welling up within me, telling me to give up, that this newfound grace is too good to be true, that I’m not good enough. But then I remember that it was never about that in the first place, that all I need to do is trust in God, in his word, and in his Voice, and He’ll take care of the rest. So everytime that I have these negative, destructive thoughts feel my heart, I’ll first acknowledge them, and then release them to God.

In doing so, I can once again hear His voice, and be reassured. In doing all this, I gain the strength of God to move forward, to live for him, not because I want his grace, but because it is my pride as his creation. By taking pride in the God who created me, I also gain pride in myself- for only when I love myself can I love God, and others.

Experiencing God

In the last post of my blog emotional moksha (“Emptiness”), I acknowledged how lacking I felt about myself, and by releasing that burden to God, I was able to hear God’s voice for the first time. Well more accurately, I was able to recognize it. At the moment I realized these things, I remembered several times in the past that I had heard God’s voice, “the still small voice”, but I could not recognize him. I have been fervently pursuing God the last couple years, and a few months ago, in my desperation, called out to him, to help me find the way, to know what to do. About a month ago I started emotional moksha, but when I started it I did not realize that it would play a role in helping me experience God. I realize now that I could not hear God’s voice, despite my desire to, because I was so overwhelmed by the fear, doubt, and chaos shrouding my heart.

With all that has happened to me in the past, I’ve built up walls around my mind, within my psyche, to protect myself from the trauma I went through all those years. Those walls did save me in the long run, but I did not become aware of them until a few months ago. Because of those walls, I could not remember the emotions of the past, and could not recognize the emotions of the future. I felt neither fear nor passion, doubt nor affirmation, chaos nor peace. Or more accurately, I could not fully comprehend these feelings, though I felt them.

In doing so I had shielded myself not only of my feelings, but also of any influence. I did not change, and time went on without me. The armor of my heart protected me, but at the natural price of lacking the resolve to move forward, to improve upon myself. This armor of mine prevented me from hearing the voice of Satan, but I couldn’t hear the voice of God either (by hear I mean “recognize”). Furthermore, I could not truly understand others around me, because- just I could not feel my own warmth, I could not feel the warmth of others. I could not be hurt, but for the same reason I could not be comforted.

Even though I did not realize it, being numbed by the armor around my heart, I still had emotions- a great deal of them, and of every kind. Even though I was not aware of them, they were there, waiting to be released. After I asked for God to show me the way- no, even before that he had prepared the way. Thinking about it now, there are thoughts I had and people I encountered which, although it seemed at the time to be another step in my own thought process, or another inspiration in writing a book- sure I knew these things were significant, but I did not know that God was using these things to prepare the way for me, as I realize now. Since I heard God’s voice, I began to better understand his purposes- got to know him a little bit better.

One thing that I think is not emphasized enough, it what it truly means to be in a relationship with God. For example, “Why does God need us to pray to him, if he already knows what’s going to happen, even before we are born?” This is where my own thoughts about motivation come in. God created us for a reason- that is, we have a purpose. From what I’ve seen, the meaning of being part of God’s purpose is often ignored, when it shouldn’t be.

If God has a purpose for us, it means that- for whatever reason, he needs us. If God wants a relationship with us, it’s because he desires such a relationship, which means that such a relationship is of benefit to him, because it somehow assists with fulfilling that which he needs. One can also not love unless it fulfills a need- from which we might draw the conclusion that either “God can love and is imperfect”, or “God is perfect and cannot love”.

But that fails to take into account that God is the creator of all that is– which means that God alone decides what perfection is. God can be perfect and still need us, because he is God- that reason alone is enough. If anything, we perceive weakness and need as imperfect, simply because we are imperfect and our view of things are distorted. I believe that God intentionally created imperfect beings despite being perfect, so that he could appreciate his own perfection, through his relationship with us.

Once God had prepared the way for me, and I had realized in full the existence of the armor covering my heart, for the first time I faced myself, honestly and earnestly stood beside my own reflection. It was painful, troubling, terrible. Over 10 years worth of emotions, including a great deal of emotional trauma- began to implode from within, and I was overwhelmed. All of the feelings that I convinced myself to be lacking, including those of hatred, bitterness, anger, melancholy, loneliness- mostly negative feelings, after being pent up all those years, overwhelmed me.

But even before this, I had considered starting a blog about my emotional self, that I might better understand that part of me which at the time was still a mystery. I remembered the verse

Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the LORD,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

And started up emotional moksha, and each time I acknowledge the emotions overwhelming me, I literally feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from me- it really is an amazing feeling- each time like a miniature-miracle. And in the last post (the 3rd one total), as I wrote it, I experienced God for the first time.

It was then that I realized that the armor around my heart had prevented me from seeing my emotions, and that by acknowledging my emotions, and giving them to the Lord, I had been freed from what had prevented me from having a true relationship with God- what had prevented me from recognizing his voice. By giving up my fears, doubt, and chaos to God, for the first time since I was a child, I could appreciate the passion, intimacy, and commitment that can come from knowing God. But unlike as a child, I can now appreciate the beauty of it, and no longer take it for granted.

Depression Treatment

*note this is one of the old posts I actually wrote a long time ago– just FTR*

*…But as I am writing it now, I’ve modified it significantly so as to blend better with current thought, and also to incorporate recent concepts when relevant…*

As I explained in Playing the Victim, one of my co-workers was suffering from acute depression, and asked for advice. The solution I gave her was *obviously* to stop “playing the victim”, and accept responsibility for her life – thus empowering herself and providing the psychological leverage needed to deal with the other issues, and begin progressing with life again. Although this solution is logically valid, I’ve become to realize more and more how much truth cannot be logically justified -so, for lack of better feelings, I should  “be more considerate of her feelings”- for lack of better phrasing – So this depression needs to be handled more gradually, using “gentler” methods :P

Due to the ever-constant chaos already eminent in her life, dealing with it logically would be impossible, because logic has already become irrelevant. I assured her that I would see what I could do in finding a [irony alert!] more *reasonable* solution, and fortunately, I think I’ve found one. Well, from the looks of things the *best* solution is a work-in-progress, but at the very least it’s something to work off of. Of course the solution has nothing to do with drugs. I was medicated for several years in the past, and although I definitely had, and *have* the illnesses I was diagnosed with, I found I did far better without them. Come to think of it, the several different medications I was given did little more than sedate me. As far as I can tell, that was about it. Don’t ask why, I have know clue :P

As I mentioned in that same post (“Playing the Victim”) I was able to deal with my psychological issues best (by an overwhelming margin) without medication; if anything the medication just made things worse. So although I cannot speak for anyone else, From my person experiences I would definitely recommend against the ingestion of psychological drugs of any kind. Treatment is frequently contrasted with “Cure”, being only a temporary/partial solution (i.e. to minimize symptoms)- Cures are permanent.

I think the fact that medication only minimizes symptoms is particularly interesting- after all, “Symptoms” are the proof that the body/mind/etc. is fighting against the disease/etc. If the symptoms disappear, that doesn’t mean the person is better. In fact, if the disease/etc. still exist despite symptoms, that should be considered a bad thing, since the immune system is essentially being suppressed, allowing the disease freely roam, resulting in far worse [in this case] mental health. Well, that’s just speculation on my part, but such an opinion is also implied in “I Never Promised you Roses”. In the cases of depression, the “cure” might well be to deal with the problem as described in “Playing the Victim”- however, for now, a temporary solution [*treatment*] should suffice.

Among many– more minor illnesses, I have Bipolar- previously known as “manic-depressive” disorder. The previous name is much more descriptive, but I guess they’re trying to be more politically correct :P I regularly go through cycles- between depressive and more manic states; I maintain a more “normal” demeanor in-between. The upside and downside of Bipolar is the same: the cycles are predictable. That is- I only get depressed or manic “when I’m supposed to”- this makes cycles very predictable, and I can schedule accordingly, since it works like clockwork. But of course, no one likes getting depressed– well, I’m sure plenty of people like getting manic though :P Then again, I don’t ever get anxious (for certain reasons that I’ll cover in later posts) so I don’t have to deal with that part of the manic cycle…but for whatever its worth, that’s the downside.

A while ago I realized that I could completely thwart the depression cycles (although the manic isn’t so bad) by making a habit of automatically rejecting the logical validity of all negative thoughts. Although I did not realize it then, I had already been doing such a thing for a few years now. But I have also realized that, in accordance with balance, to disregard any emotion logically, I had to lose my emotions; this is because to logically get rid of emotions, one must believe any previous emotions to never have existed- this is necessary because emotions are the backbone of passion and desire- no decision can follow through without one’s emotions backing it.

Getting back to habits though, as I detailed in [insert post], it’s possible to force oneself to change the perception of anything you want, even if it is the exact opposite of the original and natural perception. In that experiment, as I was walking in the freezing cold (of last winter, to be exact) I decided to imagine the pain as being pleasure, and concentrated on the cold being a good thing, setting aside all “common sense” in favor of this perception. The result was a bit surprising- by concentrating the pain completely went away- it was very exciting seeing how perceptions can be manipulated this way.

The only thing lacking with this is that one must concentrate to experience the conversion. That’s where habits come in. The purpose of habits is to keep of memory of thing that are done often, and usually require a degree of concentration. It is an adaptation that allows us to perform tasks better the more that we do it, because those things we’ve already concentrated on a lot are stored in our “cache“, which frees up our “memory” to focus on the finer details, or other tasks. Although perhaps I’m a bit partial due to my hobbies, I think that the human brain is strikingly similar to the computer- or, even more likely, the other way around.

As a result of these habits, I have not felt depressed for a few years now.

*Note “felt”- “depression can mean more than one thing; “felt” meaning that I have not had any sad or depressing thoughts for a while. In retrospect BTW this is not a good thing- to accomplish this required “unbreacheable” psychological walls to be put up, resulting in an almost completely nonchalant perspective towards everything; the root meaning of depression (“to slow down”/ “fall” / “be undone” /etc) is still true even now- the depression just does not include the emotional components (i.e. sadness/melancholy/etc.)*

There was one brief period a while back (see Self-Awareness post ) but that only last half an hour. I was thrust into a terrible depression, due to not being able to prepare a decent resume (I had no work experience at the time). But, seeing that I needed it to get done, I forcibly moved myself forward, and was able to pull off what had appeared to be impossible, thus effectively ending that “episode“. Recalling this incident has also played a key role in determining another, more “reasonable” solution to my coworker’s problem.

All of “today” (*see top*), as expected, I experienced the usual wave of depression. Well, I say depressed, but (as explained above) the only symptom I still experience is a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. On these days I might normally do nothing but watch anime- and in WCS even lack the motivation to play games. But even when I have such days, going to work is not a problem. Actually, on these days going to work is actually more of a vacation, anyway. Much of the reason for this is explained in Opportunity– that is, working each day with the awareness that half my pay is not in the salary, but in the opportunity to work. As I’ve discovered over time, the reason why working can be so fulfilling- is because of expectations- knowing that our coworkers and supervisors expect us to do the job well, and fullfilling those expectations, fills us with a wonderful sense of pride. The way I see it, this is “running away from ourselves”- here’s why:

Who we are- that which we perceive ourselves to be, and also who and that which we perceive others to be, is dependent on memory, which also means that we can only see ourselves and other people as we were in the past. That is because we are contantly changing and growing, clarifying and building upon who we are every second, although the changes may not be noticed for years. Because of that, the person we perceive ourselves to be, is actually the past, and is not entirely accurate. The irony (and amusement) of this, is that we are able to change in the first place for this same reason. See, to move forward and grow, we must leave our past behind us, which I believe is a necessity due to balance. Interestingly enough, it is also a central theme for reincarnation. So “running away” from ourself in essence means “leaving behind the past” to move towards a better future. So perhaps a more optimistic phrasing would be “running to” (although that would totally kill the visual)

Since I am a restless individual, lacking in patience (although I have aquired a significant patience these past few months, in recognition of the need) I first dealt with my lack of motivation by being confrontational (i.e. a complete ass) with my roommates. Thinking about it now, that initial approach is strikingly similar to Linkin Park’s song “Breaking the Habit”. From what I can tell, this journey I’m going through has an extremely close likeness that the journey that Linkin Park depicts in their music, so I often listen to the words of their songs for guidance. As the contributers (of that song) in Linkin Park did though, I realized that there were better ways of dealing with it, that I needed to ‘break the habit’.

So I started settling down, and played games with them instead. Here I realized another way of self-treating depression. Summing it all up, a person’s psychological health is primarily dependent on one factor- pride. This is why it’s important to not play the victim- depression is caused by insecurity. The opposite of insecurity is self-control. Taking control of a situation is an active way of alleviating insecurity (and thus depression), but it’s likely that in most cases of depression, the person’s state-of-mind renders them incapable of taking the initiative- thus a passive response is necessary. By playing games with my roommates that I knew I would win, and by following through with that expectation, I am able to alleviate my insecurity in a passive manner. That is, it required no initiative, because they already wanted to play- I only had to say “yes”. Thus, one of the best ways to alleviate depression passively, without initiative, is to put oneself in an environment where we will succeed, and have the expectations of others to drive and support that success.

With both the resume incident and the days that I played games to relieve depression, the key factor is power. In one way or another, empowering oneself plays a vital role in allowing us to move on. To put in another way, the most efficient way to get over depression is to “pet your ego” by showing off your strengths to others. Pride is, after all, one of our greatest needs as humans, making this a reliable “quick fix” for depression

Reverse Psychology

As hinted by the slowing in the amount of posts I’ve been writing (especially considering I was supposed to write considerably more, since there are about 50 posts that I have already written but not typed!), I have been in a state of great confusion. After having done so much, gotten so far, I have enjoyed the happiness that goes with looking down on the valley from whence I’ve come, while I myself am nearing the plateau, surrounded by clouds and fog. But with that happiness has come much negativity, these mixed feelings resulting in a mildly chaotic chaos. I believe that I have, to an unknown extent, the ability to see the future, or to be more precise, my future.Although I have a few examples of this, that is not really the priority, but it is something to look back on. When I get around to it though, I’ll add these to my living contradiction page, but FTR that page will be soon changed to this one: unique qualities. In my Essence of the Soul post, I conveyed the main character as having certain feelings, and going through certain surreal experiences– this came at a time where I had given up, and then restarted work on the book, finding new inspiration. Not long after restarting, for the first time I realized the true power of writing fiction- what I wrote were not words that I had any say in, they just came into being, flowed into my mind. It was as if I was merely writing the story that I was told. This is how true masterpieces are written I think- the true power of writing. I believe this is how the Bible was written- and *note I believe the Bible to be true. Although I call it fiction, I think truth is found in everything- fiction is how we convey truth that exists outside the physical world- fantasy, spirit, gods and demons- these are things that we cannot explain directly because they are not physical. Fiction is simply the metaphor of truth, that’s what I believe.

Of what I wrote, of which I did not understand, much of it I have felt these past few weeks, and just as in the book, these feelings have continued to grow, almost akin to an expanding throbbing. I have felt much confusion, and suffered because of it. I know I must make a decision, and I know which decisions are possibilities, but I don’t know which one to make. That is because I don’t know what I want, or rather, I desire too much, and have been overwhelmed by my insatiable amount of desires- thus the state of confusion.

Perhaps I foresaw this- no, I’m sure on some level I did- it really started when I was still living with my aunt. The time that it started happening was definitely puberty- that I’m sure of. That was probably when I started putting up walls- it first started with feelings being possessed, doing things that I know that there was no reason for me to do them, not knowing why, but only that I did them. There have been other times even when I was younger, but this was the most disturbing instance. It was as if I was sleepwalking, and then woken up, thinking “Why am I doing these things?”

After that came “the voices” no, not schizophrenic- these are voices that I could not understand. I understood the feelings from “the voices”- there were definitely feelings attached. I could not understand the words, but I think that this was because I understood the feelings- I saw beyond what I heard, and reached out. Well, now I’m talking surreal, about the spiritual world, something I as of yet cannot understand well enough. I am merely stringing together words hoping to convey matters that even now I do not understand, in hopes that another might reach these feelings, and help enlighten me about what they mean. Back then though, I did not understand all this. I heard the words, but only understood the feelings. The feelings were negative, chaotic, painful. Although it was but a glimpse, I knew that the source of these feelings must be in a state of agony, engulfed in hell. I did not want to experience such things, and was depressed, and ran away from these feelings. I wanted the voices to go away. I found the answer to how to make them go away, although I did not understand it. I began to open up to other people, began to talk a ridiculous amount- communication became the reason for my existence.

Even with talking, I was still plagued by confusion and chaos, though the effects were reduced to the background of my life. Then I discovered the power of writing. I first began writing to help other people. I found I was able to look at the different aspects of life, and understand and explain them as if I lived them- no, in my mind I had already lived them, just not physically. Any time that I have decided to do something, I always lose all motivation, because I feel that I have already done it. Perhaps it might be in part because, in doing anything, it would only prove that I can do it, and such a motivation is fragile and superficial.

I soon found that I could also write for my own benefit, and eventually my writings, which started with the motivations of humanity, changed to my own motivation. In this I began to find my greatest happiness, and it was at this point that my hobby turned to obsession- my interest turned to a dream. I have been living through a dream since I began this journey of self-discovery, and I have learned much in this dream, and improved upon my character much. But this is a dream which I must either decide is reality, or wake up from. Time will go on, and so must I. I must either choose the reality of my own making, or the reality prepared for me. I also foresaw this decision in the Essence of the Soul with these lines:

“As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I consulted a friend to advise me on making this decision- to which he responded “first list the things that you want”. But of course, I want too much! So I puzzled over the question “what do I want?” This is a question I have thought about for sometime, though to little avail. But then I remembered what I had written other posts in the past- something that (once I get around to it) it be rightfully added to Premises, under “Motivation”: “The most effective way to define anything is to determine its exact opposite, and compare them”; and “The most effective way to change anything is to concentrate on doing its exact opposite”.

It was then that I realized that, although my desires are overwhelming and innumerable, what I hate- that which I do not desire- these are relatively few. This is wear “Reverse Psychology” comes in. Not the usually meaning, but the process by which it’s done- reverse psychology on myself, in certain respects. Those things that I want most- that in my mind I have a special place for- they would be the exact opposite of what I hate, what I want the very least- those things that would pain me most. By knowing this, I already can know what I really want, who I really am. By this method I can separate the chaff from the wheat, metaphorically speaking, and know what I truly want, and what are just things that I “happen” to be interested in.

Of course, there’s nothing that I truly hate, I just hate some things more than others. Hatred is, after all, not an object. It is a measure- an ideal. Hatred both infinitely exists and does not exist- it’s existence, like all ideals, can only be determined on an individual basis. But I can determine what I desire most by what I hate most, and determine my priorities using this scale.

This is not just for me though- I know that everyone can use this same method to determine their true desires, and it is my desire that others may benefit from this knowledge, as I have.

For example: I know I don’t want enemies- therefore I want friends. However, I also want enemies, but only out of curiosity. This is mirrored in an ironic way- as I want friends mainly out of curiosity. The opposite affect each other thus. I don’t want to be alone- that is something that I don’t want for any reason. So I know that I want to socialize. Even though, out of curiosity I  may want enemies, I know that I don’t want to be hated- therefore I want to be loved. These are things that I knew, but did not understand- I can understand because I have a standard by which to compare. That is the power of Absolutes- only with absolutes is understanding possible. This is also why absolutes (words) are an essential part of communication. I have made my decision, but that will be highlighted another post.

Denial

Although I have only thought of the contents of this post right now, this post is a milestone post because (a) It is the cumulation of what I have written in several posts in the past (most of which are still untyped, unfortunately) and (b) these thoughts are breakthrough-level insights.

In my inquiries regarding motivation (which have been the cause of much anxiety in the past week), I have gained many insights and had some exciting discoveries, of spiritual, mystical, and psychological nature. Now I have finally reached the single answer to what motivates us all. Of course, in my post Pride I had pretty much figured it out, but an answer is useless if you do not understand it, as I do now. See, although it is true that everything we do is motivated by pride, I failed to consider “Why?” The reason why can naturally be answered in one word, which (as you have no doubt guessed) is Denial. Yes I have to bold it, for emphasis :P

In other words, we live life in denial, running away from the truth, and using pride as an excuse. I can think of examples of this all over the place- the Crusades, the gross amount of deception in many relationships, politics, religion, and the paradox of trust. What is the paradox of trust, you ask? Well actually I coined the term, but it goes like this:

(1) Trust has the innate requirement of honesty, with complete trust requiring total honesty.

(2) Trust also requires that someone/something is dependable, as trust is the essence of dependence.

(3) Nothing in this world is dependable, because, in and of itself, nothing is perfect.

(4) Therefore, trust requires assuming the impossible- in other words, any level of trusting something/someone requires believing in lies (to compensate for imperfection) or if possible, completely ignore the imperfections, to the point that they do not (perceptively) exist.

(5) Inversely, gaining someone’s trust requires deceiving when needed to compensate for one’s perceived imperfections, and/or manipulating others into completely ignoring one’s imperfections.

Thus, the only way to solve the paradox of trust is to compensate one’s imperfection with lies, and not get caught (if one gets caught lying, that would destroy the trust achieved). But this only half-solves it, as all those between which the trust is built are still lying, and being lied to. Even if awareness of the lies are limited to each individual, they are still lies, and so true trust does not exist. Even if God is perfect, we still cannot truly trust him, as trust is mutual, and God cannot trust us, knowing we are imperfect.

Getting back to the point: What is it then, that we are in denial of, that we are running away from? Well, as illustrated in “the paradox of trust” (as I hereby coin it), we are running away from the truth.

The truth hurts. While searching for views on truth, I found a blog post here. At the beginning of the post, thoughtsonquotes summarized what I’m about the clarify in this post, with the following words:

Most people don’t want to know the truth. Instead, they want validation for existing beliefs or positions. They do this for several reasons: ego, denial, ignorance and insecurity.

My take is that “ego”, “ignorance”, and “insecurity” all fall under “denial”, of course. In my post Love, although lacking in many areas, was correct in underlying premise:

Humans have certain beliefs that, although intrinsically illogical, our mind relies on to some extent for survival, such as:

(a) “We are more important than [at least a few] other people” (b) “We will live forever”                 (c) “We have a defining purpose for our existence” (d) “[at least some] people need us”

The fulfill these impossibilities, we force ourselves into denial, believing lies in order to maintain our “sanity”, and/or happiness. Thus, the best way to be happy is to give ourselves dreams that cannot be fulfilled, and spend our lives trying to achieve them.

To immortalize ourselves, we become “good people” (believing in the lies of religion) or invest in the community (utilizing the “paradox of trust) or prepare our children for a better future (which relies on the fallacy that the future is a reflection of the past, or that we can know anything with certainty. (as you might have realized by that last assertion, I am a total skeptic. Well, I guess I have been for a while, but just never seriously considered it. This is one of my Living Contradictions.

Well, the rest is adequately explained in the Love post.

So why is it that the truth hurts? What agony could be so great that we have an innate compulsion to run away from it, live in this denial, lest the truth overtake us, and we be overwhelmed by it? If it exists and has a nature similar to that which I am discovering it to be, the soul knows the answer, and in all probability, the pain we feel when awareness of the truth peaks- it may well reflect the agony that the soul is experiencing. But while I do not know the answers, one thing that I am certain of (although no more “certain” than everyone else is “certain” of their lies :P ) :

In order for the truth to exist there must be lies- I feel that the fact that we are in denial is out of necessity, to maintain balance. That is, without truth, nothing would exist, because truth is the essence of lies. This brings up another important question: What is lies? No, not what common sense, or the dictionary tells us. I never was one to follow “common sense” anyway. But rather, “Why?” do lies exist (even outside the necessity by which to distinguish truth), what purpose do they serve, ultimately. Of course, this is a question well beyond the nature of deception, however.

This goes beyond the word, even the concept, and is probably a question that will go unanswered, because it relies on the unreliable premise that things are as we perceive them, which I don’t believe in to begin with. Perhaps things are how we see them. That’s how my brother sees things, being a materialist. Perhaps I am an idealist not because I have intuitively concluded so, but simply because I am in denial, that I don’t want to accept the way things are. This isn’t unlikely, because I, being human, have the innate desire for change, and to perpetually view the world differently, making the present and the future one, and the past irrelevant.