Depression Treatment

*note this is one of the old posts I actually wrote a long time ago– just FTR*

*…But as I am writing it now, I’ve modified it significantly so as to blend better with current thought, and also to incorporate recent concepts when relevant…*

As I explained in Playing the Victim, one of my co-workers was suffering from acute depression, and asked for advice. The solution I gave her was *obviously* to stop “playing the victim”, and accept responsibility for her life – thus empowering herself and providing the psychological leverage needed to deal with the other issues, and begin progressing with life again. Although this solution is logically valid, I’ve become to realize more and more how much truth cannot be logically justified -so, for lack of better feelings, I should  “be more considerate of her feelings”- for lack of better phrasing – So this depression needs to be handled more gradually, using “gentler” methods :P

Due to the ever-constant chaos already eminent in her life, dealing with it logically would be impossible, because logic has already become irrelevant. I assured her that I would see what I could do in finding a [irony alert!] more *reasonable* solution, and fortunately, I think I’ve found one. Well, from the looks of things the *best* solution is a work-in-progress, but at the very least it’s something to work off of. Of course the solution has nothing to do with drugs. I was medicated for several years in the past, and although I definitely had, and *have* the illnesses I was diagnosed with, I found I did far better without them. Come to think of it, the several different medications I was given did little more than sedate me. As far as I can tell, that was about it. Don’t ask why, I have know clue :P

As I mentioned in that same post (“Playing the Victim”) I was able to deal with my psychological issues best (by an overwhelming margin) without medication; if anything the medication just made things worse. So although I cannot speak for anyone else, From my person experiences I would definitely recommend against the ingestion of psychological drugs of any kind. Treatment is frequently contrasted with “Cure”, being only a temporary/partial solution (i.e. to minimize symptoms)- Cures are permanent.

I think the fact that medication only minimizes symptoms is particularly interesting- after all, “Symptoms” are the proof that the body/mind/etc. is fighting against the disease/etc. If the symptoms disappear, that doesn’t mean the person is better. In fact, if the disease/etc. still exist despite symptoms, that should be considered a bad thing, since the immune system is essentially being suppressed, allowing the disease freely roam, resulting in far worse [in this case] mental health. Well, that’s just speculation on my part, but such an opinion is also implied in “I Never Promised you Roses”. In the cases of depression, the “cure” might well be to deal with the problem as described in “Playing the Victim”- however, for now, a temporary solution [*treatment*] should suffice.

Among many– more minor illnesses, I have Bipolar- previously known as “manic-depressive” disorder. The previous name is much more descriptive, but I guess they’re trying to be more politically correct :P I regularly go through cycles- between depressive and more manic states; I maintain a more “normal” demeanor in-between. The upside and downside of Bipolar is the same: the cycles are predictable. That is- I only get depressed or manic “when I’m supposed to”- this makes cycles very predictable, and I can schedule accordingly, since it works like clockwork. But of course, no one likes getting depressed– well, I’m sure plenty of people like getting manic though :P Then again, I don’t ever get anxious (for certain reasons that I’ll cover in later posts) so I don’t have to deal with that part of the manic cycle…but for whatever its worth, that’s the downside.

A while ago I realized that I could completely thwart the depression cycles (although the manic isn’t so bad) by making a habit of automatically rejecting the logical validity of all negative thoughts. Although I did not realize it then, I had already been doing such a thing for a few years now. But I have also realized that, in accordance with balance, to disregard any emotion logically, I had to lose my emotions; this is because to logically get rid of emotions, one must believe any previous emotions to never have existed- this is necessary because emotions are the backbone of passion and desire- no decision can follow through without one’s emotions backing it.

Getting back to habits though, as I detailed in [insert post], it’s possible to force oneself to change the perception of anything you want, even if it is the exact opposite of the original and natural perception. In that experiment, as I was walking in the freezing cold (of last winter, to be exact) I decided to imagine the pain as being pleasure, and concentrated on the cold being a good thing, setting aside all “common sense” in favor of this perception. The result was a bit surprising- by concentrating the pain completely went away- it was very exciting seeing how perceptions can be manipulated this way.

The only thing lacking with this is that one must concentrate to experience the conversion. That’s where habits come in. The purpose of habits is to keep of memory of thing that are done often, and usually require a degree of concentration. It is an adaptation that allows us to perform tasks better the more that we do it, because those things we’ve already concentrated on a lot are stored in our “cache“, which frees up our “memory” to focus on the finer details, or other tasks. Although perhaps I’m a bit partial due to my hobbies, I think that the human brain is strikingly similar to the computer- or, even more likely, the other way around.

As a result of these habits, I have not felt depressed for a few years now.

*Note “felt”- “depression can mean more than one thing; “felt” meaning that I have not had any sad or depressing thoughts for a while. In retrospect BTW this is not a good thing- to accomplish this required “unbreacheable” psychological walls to be put up, resulting in an almost completely nonchalant perspective towards everything; the root meaning of depression (“to slow down”/ “fall” / “be undone” /etc) is still true even now- the depression just does not include the emotional components (i.e. sadness/melancholy/etc.)*

There was one brief period a while back (see Self-Awareness post ) but that only last half an hour. I was thrust into a terrible depression, due to not being able to prepare a decent resume (I had no work experience at the time). But, seeing that I needed it to get done, I forcibly moved myself forward, and was able to pull off what had appeared to be impossible, thus effectively ending that “episode“. Recalling this incident has also played a key role in determining another, more “reasonable” solution to my coworker’s problem.

All of “today” (*see top*), as expected, I experienced the usual wave of depression. Well, I say depressed, but (as explained above) the only symptom I still experience is a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. On these days I might normally do nothing but watch anime- and in WCS even lack the motivation to play games. But even when I have such days, going to work is not a problem. Actually, on these days going to work is actually more of a vacation, anyway. Much of the reason for this is explained in Opportunity– that is, working each day with the awareness that half my pay is not in the salary, but in the opportunity to work. As I’ve discovered over time, the reason why working can be so fulfilling- is because of expectations- knowing that our coworkers and supervisors expect us to do the job well, and fullfilling those expectations, fills us with a wonderful sense of pride. The way I see it, this is “running away from ourselves”- here’s why:

Who we are- that which we perceive ourselves to be, and also who and that which we perceive others to be, is dependent on memory, which also means that we can only see ourselves and other people as we were in the past. That is because we are contantly changing and growing, clarifying and building upon who we are every second, although the changes may not be noticed for years. Because of that, the person we perceive ourselves to be, is actually the past, and is not entirely accurate. The irony (and amusement) of this, is that we are able to change in the first place for this same reason. See, to move forward and grow, we must leave our past behind us, which I believe is a necessity due to balance. Interestingly enough, it is also a central theme for reincarnation. So “running away” from ourself in essence means “leaving behind the past” to move towards a better future. So perhaps a more optimistic phrasing would be “running to” (although that would totally kill the visual)

Since I am a restless individual, lacking in patience (although I have aquired a significant patience these past few months, in recognition of the need) I first dealt with my lack of motivation by being confrontational (i.e. a complete ass) with my roommates. Thinking about it now, that initial approach is strikingly similar to Linkin Park’s song “Breaking the Habit”. From what I can tell, this journey I’m going through has an extremely close likeness that the journey that Linkin Park depicts in their music, so I often listen to the words of their songs for guidance. As the contributers (of that song) in Linkin Park did though, I realized that there were better ways of dealing with it, that I needed to ‘break the habit’.

So I started settling down, and played games with them instead. Here I realized another way of self-treating depression. Summing it all up, a person’s psychological health is primarily dependent on one factor- pride. This is why it’s important to not play the victim- depression is caused by insecurity. The opposite of insecurity is self-control. Taking control of a situation is an active way of alleviating insecurity (and thus depression), but it’s likely that in most cases of depression, the person’s state-of-mind renders them incapable of taking the initiative- thus a passive response is necessary. By playing games with my roommates that I knew I would win, and by following through with that expectation, I am able to alleviate my insecurity in a passive manner. That is, it required no initiative, because they already wanted to play- I only had to say “yes”. Thus, one of the best ways to alleviate depression passively, without initiative, is to put oneself in an environment where we will succeed, and have the expectations of others to drive and support that success.

With both the resume incident and the days that I played games to relieve depression, the key factor is power. In one way or another, empowering oneself plays a vital role in allowing us to move on. To put in another way, the most efficient way to get over depression is to “pet your ego” by showing off your strengths to others. Pride is, after all, one of our greatest needs as humans, making this a reliable “quick fix” for depression

Ulterior Motivation

This post took a lot out of me, and it was confusing to sort it out- so even though I’m only writing it out now, I actually thought up the majority of it a while ago. I actually had another post that I’ve been wanting to write (collectively) for ~4 months, but kept forgetting what it was about. that post would have been called “Confusion”, but in retrospect it seems that this post is in large part the culmination of that thought, so this is definitely a milestone post (milestone posts- which I’ll probably create a category for since they’re the most important ones, I designate based on two factors: (1) a cumulatively large amount of time was put into the thought for it [~2+ months] and (2) determined to contain breakthrough-level insights to the point that it signifies a major step towards truth/etc.

As I have acknowledged in previous posts, motivation is my greatest philosophical obsession. Recently, ulterior motives, due to their nature, became extremely intriguing to me. My thoughts regarding it climaxed when I developed the premise: “Every decision we make has potentially infinite ulterior motives.” I myself began to intensely self-analyze the motivation of my own decisions, to uncover and understand my own ulterior motives. While this premise might seem exaggerated to say “infinite ulterior motives”, please note that this follows the same reasoning as my proof that God doesn’t exist– which is that even if there were a limit, we would not know what it was, where it was, or how it might be defined. Also to be considered is that “we” cannot be defined with certainty either, for this same reason.

But this left me with quite the dilemma: how should I proceed from here, since evidently there are no right or wrong answers. To add to this, I have an innate desire, like all self-aware humans (We all have the innate desire, but for those humans that are not self-aware, that desire lies dormant; similar to the notion we all innately possess the potential for any sexual orientation. to perfect myself- which in essence means that every choice is wrong, because it’s not possible to make the right choice. That is, even though there are no right answers, there is still the potential for one, and I have an insatiable urge to find that which I know I cannot. In summary, motivation, being infinite, is a paradox.

For example, I can easily receive SSI (Supplementary Security Income), and doing so would be the most logical condition, considering what I want to do with my life. All the things that I want to do require nothing but time, and myself- I know I can do anything I want to, and the plan would be the succeed, and pay back every last penny when I have gained sufficient status that I could easily live independently. In other words, SSI would be an investment. I know I could do it, but this is where ulterior motives come into play: Why would I feel the need to do all these things? What is the meaning of it? Just to say I did it? That kind of motivation is shallow, and meaningless. I thought I would do it to get out of my Comfort Zone, but to what end? Why should I need to prove these things to myself? Is it society’s programming? In either case, it is a drawn-out, empty plan. Perhaps I just can’t stand simplicity, but I don’t think I could be satisfied with something like that. Don’t I want to improve my sense of responsibility? My ability to plan? Is there any reason why I want to, besides the fact that it’s considered a good trait? If there are no right answers, why put effort into anything?

I have all these questions flying at me, confusing my ability to reason. Whatever I do, it’s never good enough. I’m becoming quite the existentialist- how ironic, considering I just found out about it in philosophy (I actually don’t remember hardly any of it in class, but apparently I started becoming an existentialist quite before that, ~6 months ago writing a (still untyped) post titled “The Meaning of Life”. Then I found out a couple days ago from my brother that my thoughts in that (untyped) post are the same as Nietzsche– which was flattering.

From the look of things, it’s impossible to truly know or understand our motivation for anything, which would make any attempts to determine ulterior motives futile. But I feel that it’s important to understand them as best as I can, at least for those things that are most important. It may be a meaningless obsession, but in some ways I live for meaningless obsessions :P

But one thing that it’s probably best I don’t speculate over is whether or not something is “society’s programming, because even if it is, it’s for good reason (even if I can’t appreciate that reason), and there would be no way to know for sure in most cases. In these cases, we should just do the best we can with what we have, and only change the way we think when necessary. *Although only a debian/ubuntu/etc. user could appreciate this example*: It’s true that there are packages we don’t need, and packages we may need in the future. But if we act based on the mere possibility, we are more than likely to waste time and effort, and destroy the operating system (of which I’ve have more than enough experience :P ) i.e. *”if it[society’s programming] ain’t broke, don’t fix it!*

Although more understanding may be born of speculation on ulterior motives, it would “never end”, so the priority should be low, lest life itself transform into a formless blob amid the torrent of motives.

Playing The Victim

As much as I’d like to say that I’ve spent years giving life my all to have reached this point- truth be told, it has only been about a year since I actually started taking life seriously, facing reality- or, more accurately, myself. To add to that (or should I say subtract)- the first 6 months of that year were nullified as they were laid waste to by the utter chaos, drama, and negative emotion that I experienced during that time. This was to be expected- after all, when I stopped taking my medications, withdrawal effect is inevitable. Stopping taking medication was most certainly for the best, but I had been taking significantly high doses for an extended period of time- it took a while for my mind to adapt. So now I’ve begun thinking, “If I have advanced so far in just 6 months, why have I failed to get beyond this point in my nearly 20 years of living experience?” Of course, the first 10-15 years I was still developing- but for at 4-5 years, I have failed to grasp the amazing amount of opportunities of life that (being who I am) I have inherited.

That’s not to say that I regret the path I have taken in the journey of life thus far- after all, were it not as such, I may have not been able in this manner in retrospect, and would not have been saturated with this inspiration with such force as to properly use that newfound knowledge towards living the best I can in the future. In addition, there are many experiences that I could not have had otherwise, so I am grateful for that knowledge. (Even if it doesn’t nearly qualify as “sophisticated”. But still, it would clearly be foolish not to take into consideration the potential that I could have had- for only then can I truly muster the motivation needed to achieve my potential.

The other day, I assumed the role of a therapist by listening to a coworker, and offering advice regarding their emotional problems and the presumed causes thereof. She seemed to be suffering from acute depression, which rooted back to a more-than-unfriendly encounter with and old guy in Germany. My coworker claimed that the comments that he forced on her (which in retrospect, made no logical sense) essentially ruined her life, effectively locking her away in a psychological hole, and preventing her from moving on with life, for all intensive purposes. (for the record, that was not what she said, but rather a sophisticated elaborated paraphrase on my part). My advice to her, was that the first step towards curing depression, is to blame yourself for whatever happens, regardless of the circumstances- instead of blaming others. While this may sound harsh from the surface, such an action gives the respective individuals complete power over the situation.

Regardless of how qualified someone is to “play the victim”, indulgence in it is never the best course of action. Victims are, by nature, helpless. They cannot do anything at all except wait (*note that once a victim is saved, they are no longer victims). If, or as long as they are not saved, victims are essentially useless. However, if an individual places blame upon themselves, it puts them in complete control. Even if that power is achieved in a negative way, it’s crucially important for individuals to recognize the power that each of us have over our own lives. Only then can we begin to bring about positive changes in the quality of our lives.

There are few individuals more qualified than I am for making statements such as these- after all, I have a significantly long history of “playing the victim” (about 4-5 years of it). When, due to strenuous circumstances, I was forcibly separated from my parents by social services, I remained suspended in shock (due to post-traumatic stress) for a few months. After about 5 months in the children’s shelter to which I was relocated, I was taken in by my aunt- still too confused to comprehend the chaos that had saturated my life. I spent roughly 2 1/2 year living with my aunt, enjoying a relatively normal life, and even having the luxury of attending private schools. But then, without any warning, she announced on Christmas day that she was taking me back to the children’s shelter in the morning. On December 26, 2002- she actually went through with it. After residing at the children’s shelter for 2 more months, I began my chaotic trek through the group home system. Although I did not gain awareness of it until much later, it was then that I began blaming the “system” for how pathetic my life had become- from then on, I hated “the system” with a passion.

My misdirected enmity and victim-like mindset rapidly grew like a virus; the increase in variety and dosage of various medication further instigated further issues. Aside from not actually needing medication to begin with, there is one crucial problem with the effects of most psychological medications: In addition to the inevitably inconvenient side-effects, they also have a tendency to increase inhibitions. While the purpose is served by, under more mild circumstances, successfully calming the patient- this also results in a more passive outlook towards reality, which keeps patients from facing and dealing with reality. As a result, I was not able to determine and solve the many issues that I had accumulated amidst the chaos surrounding me for quite some time. I was “playing the victim”, but, due in part to the medications, I was not even aware of it. As such a mindset reflects badly upon performance, my grades continued to suffer. In addition, “playing the victim” naturally makes anyone an easy target for bullying- this is likely a large part of why I was subject to this kind of mistreatment. Because I was focused on such petty things, I failed to recognize many important elements of socialization, and so performed poorly in this area as well. I simply lived life “in the moment”, and never gave a thought as to what kind of person I wanted to be, or even what I wanted to do later on in life. I had an incredible amount of potential, but I could not develop or recognize it because of this one simple thing.

Now that I am off medication, I realize that I was “playing the victim”. I am continually amazed at how much better the “system” was than I gave it credit for. To be honest, in retrospect I would say they spoiled me too much. I would never have even imagined the possibility of myself saying those words. I would have been the “worst of blasphemies”. That being said, some of the best advice that I can give for life is don’t…..(you know the words)