Willpower

I have spent a great deal of time obsessing over the meaning of life. Sure, I concluded that we all find our own meaning in life, and that it’s probable that our purpose is to find meaning. But this is not a answer- it’s just a different way of looking at the same thing. What then, is that “same thing”?

“If the dream does not end” – Clow Reed.

“Grab life by the horns” – Gordon B. Hinckley.

“Knowledge is Power” – Will Durant. (and Me)

…But that power one must use, and not be used by it (or, to further quote Will Durant, “Knowledge is power, but only wisdom is liberty.”

In studies involving identical twins raised in essentially identical environments, I have heard that sometimes the results can be as radically different as good versus evil. I think that perhaps my sources mixed up fraternal twins and identical twins (of which the genetic difference is potentially huge), but I think that, in the event of such a rare occurrence, it would fall under Miracles.

But nevertheless, there are clearly key factors that separate animals from humans, and those driven to commit crimes or support justice- differences that cannot be explained by genetics, the environment, or even miracles- at least not these things in and of themselves. What then are these differences?

Extremes play a key role in determining this: Some people, perhaps most, allow their will to be determined by their thoughts. I have know many such individuals, and recently, I have inadvertently become one of them to some extent. If one is to take charge of their life, one should let their thoughts be determined by their will, not the other way around. This is one of the key factors- willpower.

I have very little willpower, although I did not realize this until quite recently. I was blinded by appearances- after all, from the surface I am extremely stubborn, full of pride, an obstinate rebel. Some of these qualities I even believed myself to possess, appearances aside. But now that I have realized the truth, I can make sense of much of the dream that has become my life, the distortion and delusion that has become my reality. Those of little willpower are easily effected by their environment, akin to a child that is comparably impressionable. How they are affected is determined by one of two extremes- which I have identified with the Id and SuperEgo.

If identified with the Id- which is pure freedom, and lacking any ability to focus that desire towards an object, person, or goal, It takes the form of civil criminals and the mentally ill, who know not what they want, but seek after it with such unyielding desire that they are compelled to commit acts which they themselves must commit, so driven by trivial things that they are utterly helpless, even thinking of themselves as victims, with no future, no hope. With Id comes a natural desire to create, but no amount of desire can be realized without control. (which is the role of the Ego).

If identified with the SuperEgo, one will seek after unreachable ideals, doing anything necessary to reach them, which inevitably includes every type of crime. These idealists take the form of terrorists, serial killers, religious and political radicals, and other extremists. The SuperEgo has a direction, and does everything to attain it, but again has no control.

With both of these extremes, those of little willpower take information they are exposed to, and exaggerate it. The cause of this exaggeration is similar to the principle of inertia- if there is no friction/resistance to stop it, it will keep going infinitely. With both extremes, the Ego is responsible for creating this friction, to maintain control.

Those motivated by Id will seek out creation, as Id is a life instinct. This is likely why there is a proven relationship between creative genius and mental illness. (see here)

Those motivated by SuperEgo, in contrast, seek out destruction. This destruction brings about chaos, and from this chaos springs forth change. Change is necessary for survival, which is why we have both death and life instincts. Although I attribute “mental illness” to Id, both extremes are mental illness, but just different kinds. One is born from creativity, and the other from “destructivity”. (yeah I know it’s not a word!)

So if we are motivated by our Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, that motivation takes the form of three factors, which ultimately determine our fate: desire, direction, and control.

Essentially, those with little willpower are more vulnerable to the “spiritual world”, and “demonic forces”. “Different ways of looking at the same thing”- the spiritual world is manifested in Christianity, Buddhism, and mysticism- but really our dogmatic understanding of mental illness, psychics, and criminals- all of these reflect the effects of the spiritual world. Having little willpower, I have let myself be swallowed, obsessed, and thus consumed by spiritual forces.

Relation to Nature: “God” ‘s love drove him to seek after the impossible– he became consumed by his nature- allowed his thoughts to control his will.

I am a perfectionist, in that I feel compelled to finish whatever I start. I gave myself a goal that I knew could not be realized, and have torn my psyche apart in this impossible pursuit. I first began realizing this when finishing the first chapter of Essence of the Soul when I wrote “As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I did the very things I swore I would not. I let myself be controlled by fate. I prioritized knowledge over willpower. I allowed myself to be controlled by my own logic. I began taking the path Joanne did, without even realizing it. I created a scenario of madness to justify the nonsensical, because I don’t want to admit that there are some things that, no only do we not know yet, but that we cannot know. I have mixed fiction with fact, and without realizing it was influenced by the unreal, conjuring up elaborate fallacies by which to reconcile what is real with what is not. I have dug too deep into the potential of the human mind, I have searched out forbidden knowledge. I have “sold my soul to the devil” to acquire the knowledge of good and evil, and gambled my life to pay a debt I cannot.

The dream must end, just as I knew it should have a long while back. I am living out this dream on borrowed time, and if I do no “wake up” now…”If the dream doesn’t end…”

Bottom line: I don’t want to “wake up”.

There is another factor that is much more important than willpower (believe it or not), which I became aware of (and my personal lack of it) thanks to my older brother. This will be covered in my Self Esteem post.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” -excerpt from the “Serenity Prayer“