Emptiness

Right about now I am taking in the shock of some realizations that I probably didn’t want to have. well, I know that I did want to know, but now that I know I don’t know what to do about it. I kept telling myself to wake up from this dream of mine, and now that I am awake from it, Reality is harsh for me, and the dream that I was living in prior to now seems like paradise comparably.

what I realized is that everything I’ve lived for until now was an excuse. well, as you know I had already realized this- but it wasn’t until now that the meaning of this realization registered- kind of like when a lover dies, for a while the widow(er) doesn’t accept that they’re dead- then after a week or two the shock wears off, and natural anesthesia gives way to the painful truth.

my first conclusion was that everything I do, I don’t do because it’s right or because I want to, but because its natural. It bugged me though- “why are these things natural for me?”– now I realize, it’s because living my life the way I do was a necessity, to fill up the emptiness within.

Remember when you asked what I thought others thought of me, then when you said that wasn’t the case- and I wasn’t surprised? when you asked why I thought it even if I knew it was wrong, I said “because even if it’s wrong, at least it’s something.”- that pretty much sums up my life- or at the very least, my dream. I don’t know exactly when the dream started, but I know that sometime in my life, who I was died inside of me, and I began dreaming up a fake me, because I didn’t want to accept that, in some way, I was already dead. I wish I could explain it better, but at the very least these are my true feelings.

I tried really hard to establish an identity for myself, taking the opinions of others, and of that which I perceived myself to be– in all likelihood, the me of now is the product of the internet, since for the longest time that was my sole resource in defining myself, other than my own logic. by giving myself an identity, building on myself, embarking on a journey of self-discovery, from the surface I improved, got to know myself, and got to know others– leveraging the resulting passion to start living what I perceived to be a normal life. I had a dream- one that I knew could not be fulfilled, and I loved that dream for that very reason.

But now that I have woken up from that dream, I don’t know what to do. I know what is right, but I can’t find the courage to do it. I’m afraid that, no matter what I do, it will be an excuse. And because I know it is an excuse, my fears are validated.

Depression and anxiety are caused by fear, chaos, and doubt- in this case, I fear myself and doubt myself- the only thing I have left is control- and I fear that even that will slip away. I fear God himself, and I hate myself for it. God has become another excuse to me, and that belief is validated- it is something that I know to be true.

Have you ever felt something to be absolutely true- to the point that there is absolutely no doubt in your mind– and that something cannot be proven true empirically, nor validated logically or emotionally- something that you just know?

I have- and it is something that Aristotle called intuition- transcendental knowledge. So if my fears appear to me to be absolutely true, and fear is not of God but of Satan, that would mean that I’m being influenced by Satan.

Originally I never had such experiences, but the last few months, I have had several such experiences, with them increasing rapidly as time goes on. The way I see it is that, since the first several experiences were positive (to the point that at one point I fancied myself a god) that in accordance with balance, I have had these negative experiences- that I feel to be equally without a doubt, and even stronger. What’s more, I predicted that all of this would occur, several months ago- when then I never imagined such things would actually happen to me. If there were prophets in the Bible that did not want their prophesies to come true but knew they would, I can empathize with them.

For my entire life, my greatest concern was a lack of friends- I remember that part of my life clearly, so I know that this concern has consumed me since the very first day of grade school. I never thought about myself or others- I was only concerned with getting attention, so that I would not feel left out. I got that attention, even if it was not healthy attention, and picked up bad habits because of that. These habits did serve their purpose- even if it was negative attention, or attention given for the wrong reasons, I did get a lot of attention because of it. I stood out from others, and so have been unique my whole life. Once I realized these things, I continued to develop characteristics that set me apart. Eventually I gave up on friends– I had lived without them for so long, that I did not need them- or rather, the need was not worth the effort. After over 10 years of effort, I wondered why I even bothered. By now, I have adapted to the point where friendship is not a necessity- the illusion became enough.

Lacking friends all this time, I had given up on all worth of myself- I found that it was better not to care about myself. Because I don’t care about myself, I can’t be hurt- I can adapt to any situation- I’m psychologically invincible. Seeing it in such a way- living this dream, I could go on, building my passions on it. Even if it was illusion, it was one that I had believed in for so long, that I could go on with such a foundation. Because such a dream was unique, I could forget about my true feelings, and just let my dream sweep me away.

I suppose that I began waking up from my dream when I realized that others were getting hurt by my dream. If their actions were not compatible, I cut them off, deciding that it was for the best- saying that I was the one at fault. It’s very easy to handle it in such a way when you think of yourself as nothing- and so it’s also easy to hurt other people when you cannot respect yourself.

I know what is right, but I cannot do it. I feel guilty, because I know that Bible verse to be true. While most Christians might insist the Bible to be true in its whole, I can tell which ones are really true- that is the gift God has given me. While my emotional intuition is not good, my intellectual intuition- that is something that I can believe in. Though I know not what form, I know God exists, not because of proof or validation of any kind- I just know, from the bottom of my heart. When there is not trace of doubt, there is no need for proof or validation. I finally understand how Christians- no, any believers of God– I can understand now how, what faith truly is- how one can know without a doubt, even though otherwise he might not exist. This must be what it means to experience God.

Even though I might not know that I can move on, I know that God is here, and that he is just waiting for me to open up to him, so that he may impart upon me more wisdom- that which I will also know beyond any doubt to be true.

To be frank: Sometimes I do think suicidal thoughts; but whenever I do, I always cut myself off mentally, because I get this strong ominous feeling, that if I give in to such thoughts for even a moment, that I will lose control of myself, at which point I don’t know what I might do. Thinking about it now, it does feel like “a still, small voice” is warning me- and each time this occurs, I get this sort of shock, like suddenly coming out of a trance. That’s another type of intuition I know myself to have- every once in a while, I feel like I hear or feel a sudden jolt- and for some reason I know that this jolt means that something significant is going to happen.

People around me probably think that because I tend to take an anti-Christian approach, or disagree with fundamentally accepted aspects of God, that I do not experience God, but I know that, having experienced God more than most people, I have all of the reason a person could ever need to believe in God- it’s more like “how could I not believe?”

Because I know certain things about God- and I know this knowledge must come from God, I also know that God is with me, and that I will find my way as long as I believe. Even though I’m very confused right now, I know that God will work things out.

So although I may have failed other’s expectations this time– though I may have lost this battle, through God I will definitely win the war.

Hot Air

Considering that the primary focus of this blog is motivation, this will probably be the biggest breakthrough that I’ve written in a while, and will be for a while:

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the source of good and evil, and found a far greater clarity when studying it under the assumption that good and evil are not decisions chosen independently by sentient beings of their own accord, but are spiritual forces that greatly influence our actions. But of course, I don’t consider “spiritual forces” a religious concept- umbrella terminology might be a better way of putting it. So, to put it more “broadly”, good and evil are everywhere, like the air we breathe.

But I think of it like this: There are certain forces in the world- we do not cause any of them, and perhaps they were always there- in essence immortal, and without a doubt omnipresent. These forces that I am referring to are very similar to Plato’s Forms– in fact he was a great inspiration in this theory. That is, good and evil, sadness and happiness, beauty and ugliness- all of these various things were not created by us, but rather we are, to some extent, created by them.

One might assert that, in the case of (for example) ugliness, that we create the standards for ugliness, and thus without our standards ugliness would not exist. But this fails to address the fact that we would not create the standards unless there was a need- which means that this knowledge, despite having no valid emotional or logical benefit for it, knowledge of it exists. So in my own theory of forms, anything that such an assessment applies to is what I consider a “Form”.

So if our motivations are reliant upon these Forms, then what determines which forms- in this case “good” or “evil”, are we most heavily influenced by? But first, it’s important to determine what “good” and “evil” are: While good and evil are considered different in different cultures, nations, and even individuals- one thing is certain: The reason why a person considers something evil is because they (as a person, or in agreement with a group) perceive that thing, behavior, thought, or influence to be inherently destructive- that is, it in nature destroys certain thing(s) perceived as good. On the other hand, what is perceived as “good” is so because it is inherently creative- that is, it creates things that do not destroy, and/or creates things that destroy evil. Notice the irony- it’s actually important.

Regardless of whether this is actually the case, thinking of good and evil as omnipresent forces instead of antithetical but independent choices based in freewill- this new perspective brought to light a new and very enlightening understanding, regarding precisely why some become good and others evil:

A more recent determination was that the id, ego, and superego determine the means, and good and evil are not Forms, but rather measurements of the ends. But such an assessment is fundamentally flawed in that it fails to take into account the fact that some have good intentions, but destruction results- and that some have evil intentions, but they inadvertently contribute to benefiting humanity on some level.

I realized that a better way of looking at it was “balance” versus imbalance:

Thus, if we are to take into account the means, ends, and what’s in-between, it would be more accurate to think of it as “Negative” and “Positive”

Although I’ve drawn a chart that explains this much more thoroughly (and in time will become even more complete) Here are the primary motivating factors of both good (positive) and evil (negative):

Good: Passion, Control, and Expectations.

Evil: Fear, Chaos, and Doubt.

If you noticed that in the current order, they appear to be opposites, you are correct in that assumption. If you noticed that these correspond to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, we are definitely on the same page.

But, although Fear, Chaos, and Doubt are the primary motivators or destructive behavior, due to their nature they usually cannot manifest themselves in-and-of-themselves.

To put things into context. note that- from an evolutionary standpoint, motivators of “good” are close to the “Fight” response, while those of “evil” associate with “flight”- that is, good and evil, at least as influences, can be attributed to the “Fight or Flight Response“, although of course I’m also using that as an umbrella term, so don’t take it literally :P

What I like about this theory is that, even though it’s logical, the inevitable logical conclusion is that good will triumph in the end- that is, such an assertion is in fact logically inevitable if these assumptions are correct (and these assumptions are unbiased).

Why is such a conclusion logically inevitable? You’ll see…But first, an analogy:

The basics of firefighting (and I actually referenced a volunteer firefighter on this) cover, among other things, the three primary needs of any fire: ignition, oxygen, and fuel.

Personally, I don’t think there’s any better example for this post than that- because, as you might notice, it’s not too hard to compare them to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo- which conveniently would fulfill similar roles. That is, the Id (Passion) gives us the initiative to act (ignition), the SuperEgo gives us dreams and expectations by which to live out our passions (oxygen), and the Ego gives us the foundation, security, and thus control upon which to build our dreams and passions (Fuel).

So, having absorbed that information, consider the following:

Oxygen is normally considered a good thing (a necessity of all sufficiently complex living creations)– But suppose that, in an extremely high concentration of a good thing– what would happen? a huge explosion, and likely a fire- which lacking the control of a designated fuel source, is a bad thing.

It is ironic that, although good will prevail, that good is the very thing prevalent manifestation of evil possible. But I believe that this is a necessity.

But one thing appears certain- pure Control, which is based in an emphasis on acquiring knowledge indiscriminately, cannot be good or evil in-and-of-itself. But pure control, although it is something that I have reached to some degree, is impossible to attain in full, because humans are not perfect– not to say that such an attainment would amount to perfection- but that an imperfect being is inherently incapable of maintaining one sole emphasis in their motivation- especially considering the great number of ulterior motives present in humans, and likely all sentient beings.

But From what I can tell, the reason why a person might commit good or evil- these are dependent upon the catalyst (ignition), control (level of vulnerability) and dreams (expectations, conscience)

as far as whether or not someone is good or evil by nature, this new way of thinking makes it clear that, ultimately, this is determined by expectations. But this does not cure the problem- rather it has the same effect as medication has on mental illness- it only minimizes the symptoms- the problem still exists.

If dreams were reality, what determines the impact? When I created my own definition for “dream”, I was thinking something similar to this question. If we do not have control of our dream, that automatically means our dream is chaotic. If it is not a good dream, it is a bad (evil) dream. If dreams were reality, they would determine the direction of life-as-we-know-it; but the magnitude and impact of the dream depends on the strength of our desire, or conversely our fear. This is what I believe Revelation 3:16 “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.” was referring to.

Thinking about it like this makes sense of many things– for example, why it is that anti-racists actually antagonize things rather than reconcile them. It’s common knowledge that throwing water on an oil-based fire will only spread it. It might appear to put it out, but appearances are deceiving.

Consider Hitler, who killed and/or caused the killing and torture of thousands of Jews. Do you think that Hitler really hated Jews that much? Well he might have, but I don’t think that was his motivation. Hitler saw an impoverished country, an already-existing hate for Jews, and an evident desperation. Hitler wanted power so bad that he would do anything to get it. When such a strong passion exists, it outweighs any conscience, expectations, or self-control that might disagree with it. Although this is just my theory, Hitler wanted power so badly that he was consumed by it, to the point nothing mattered.

It’s not as if we cannot relate to such circumstances- we can definitely empathize on a small-scale. Anyone who has killed “enemies” in war should at least be able to understand Hitler’s feelings. In such circumstances, it’s “kill or be killed”, and survival takes first priority. As much as we might cherish the value of human life, human rights, personal morality, ethics, and so-called humanity; all of these are good as nothing- utterly irrelevant in the face of survival. Perhaps this is to be expected, but consider this: If we will do anything in war to protect our own lives, so much more anyone might do for something they value above their life. It could be said that Hitler wasn’t evil, he just had his priorities mixed up.

But what we consider good or evil is not because people actually are good and evil- such thinking is merely justification for pre-existing standards. When it comes down to it, what is considered good or evil is considered thus because, at least to those observing these standards, such definitions are for the best in terms of benefiting humanity. For example, there are many traffic laws that, for a skilled driver are not necessary. Why then is it evil to break the law? That is because the purpose of the law is not the following of it itself, But the impact it will have on everyone’s conscience, regardless of whether they break it or not. Laws all exist for one purpose: control.

Even though Passion is a good thing, it made Hitler evil. Why? Because too much of a good thing can be, and will inevitably be bad:

Too much passion results in corruption, too much control results in neglect, and too much commitment and expectations results in suffering- and in Japan’s case, suicide. Although I passionately love Japan, it seems clear that, overall, the U.S. has one of the best balances, and so might be considered “better” from an idealist perspective.

So it seems that an accurate view of good and evil would be difficult to isolate, as there are many unreconciled inconsistencies to be understood and properly interpreted. But in either case, it’s clear to me that it’s better to do something wrong then do nothing at all- It would be a waste to miss so many opportunities because we pondered whether or not they were the right ones.

God is your friend

After not going to church for a while and on top of that renouncing Christianity, a couple months ago I finally started going back to church, and was surprised at how easy it was to. I had decided that I would start going back to church once I had gotten to know myself well enough to offset any discomfort (even when I was still a Christian, the reason I stopped going in the first place was discomfort- which was itself caused by some things that had happened in the past). But I didn’t think that my efforts paid off this much.

Once I started going though, I once again became aware of the single-minded thinking of much of the Christian community (though the college group is much more open-minded)– to me, this is ironic considering the emphasis on the “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” approach. It seems to me that many Christians do not take into account what it means to have a relationship with God- or rather, why bother calling it a “relationship” if the meaning of a relationship with God cannot be related to friendships with mere mortals. Although my relationship hasn’t been too good lately (Fear is keeping me from “experiencing God”), I do know what a relationship is.

Using myself as an example- there are many people that know me, but- for whatever reasons, they all know me a bit differently, and some a lot differently. In relationships of all kinds, and especially in friendships, this is natural. Part of the reason why is because different people (or want) friendship with the same person for different reasons- we all have different needs.

That is, who we are is not limited to how we perceive itself (although that might logically seem most accurate), who we are is that and also how others perceive us. This is explained quite thoroughly in the last couple episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion. So if we have a relationship with God, that would of course mean that God is different, and in many cases much different in the eyes of different people. Although there is a true God, and that God knows everything about himself, if he is our friend then we do not know how God perceives himself, but only how we perceive God.

The interesting thing about this- is that to contend that any single person’s understanding of God is wrong, is the same as saying that how someone knows me is wrong. If God’s understanding of himself is most accurate, then my understanding of myself is most accurate, but what good is that to other people. If we are in a relationship with God, then “God” is who we perceive him to be, not how we actually is. Since God’s will is always done, how we perceive him is how, for one reason or another, how he wants to perceived- just as we might act differently (subconsciously in some cases) around different people to appeal to different needs, and thus achieve the desired feedback. Or conversely, we act as we are expected to by others to give us an identity (which normally I do not do)

Although it might be considered blasphemous to think it, there is the possibility (and one I tend to favor) that God created us with freewill to give himself an identity. If we truly have friendship with God, that entails interdependence- which means that not only do we need God, but God needs us. It’s quite ironic that Christians would validate my own (otherwise controversial) theories about God, without even knowing what their words mean. Perhaps “friendship” has a different meaning when it concerns God, but if so, why use it.

One of the aspects of my theory is taking into consideration the fact that God is infinite, and something that is truly infinite cannot be distinguished from itself. That is, if God is infinite, he would not be able to recognize himself, since there would be no end by which to appreciate- a big blob. To recognize himself, God must to some degree limit himself, and thus become finite. I would go deeper into the aspects of infinity that support these assertions, but I have to some extent already in previous posts, and I’m starting to get a headache as things become “infinitely” complex. Who we know as God is not God- for if it was then he would not be God, because God is infinite and thus cannot be known. God as we know him is a paradox, and so it would appear he cannot be known.

But when we refer to “knowing God”, we are not talking about having knowledge of God ourselves, for if we did we would be God. Then again, confusing as it already is at this point, God (IMO) does not know himself, being infinite. Perhaps God both knows himself and does not. In my more controversial theories, God “as we know him” is both Satan and God, and through the interactions of these two infinitely opposite forces, God achieves appreciation of himself, and we of him. That would of course require redefining Satan, but from my current thought (which I’ll detail in future posts) God has a natural advantage to Satan, because God’s essence is Positive (Creative) whereas Satan’s is Negative (Destructive). While destruction has no intelligence, creation does- that is God’s advantage. I’ll also detail my reasoning of this later on.

But in either case, it’s important to keep in mind that if we are to truly have a relationship with God, we should accept the fact that in such a relationship, everyone will know God differently.