Psychic

As I’ve mentioned or inferred in several posts in the past, I believe myself to, some extent, have psychic powers. This will be the first, and presumably only post that is completely dedicated to such an assertion.

A few weeks ago, when I got my iPhone fixed (even though it was outside warranty due to a Jailbreak, the guy at the counter generously ignored that fact) I installed and tried out the game “Reaction!”, to kill time during a Caltrain trip. It was then that I found my first concrete evidence of my psychic abilities, and started to take them seriously. Before it was just entertaining thoughts, but now I know for sure there is definite potential for application to real life.

Here’s how it went:

(a) I tested my reflexes with utmost concentration to get the best reaction times.

with this method my average times were 400-600 milliseconds, with an occasional 3.

(b) I emptied my mind as much as possible, waiting not for the physical change, but instead expecting a particular sensation: this sensation, depending upon my state of mind, the circumstances, and the environment, can take the form of a sound, an emotion, a sense of being jerked, touched, etc., and in most cases, it’s a combination of these. Once the presence of this sensation becomes clear, I concentrate on the nature of it’s existence (i.e. what kind it is), and what it’s telling me about the object in question- which in this case, is the mechanics of the reflex game.

Using this method, I consistently (even after hundreds of tests) achieved an average of 200-400 milliseconds seconds, with an occasional 1.

*Note that with both methods, “occasional 1/3” refers to between 100-200 milliseconds, and between 300-400 milliseconds– i.e., About 150 milliseconds for the latter*

I also pushed my luck by using my “powers” to achieve lower times with my eyes closed. This would remove all doubt that the powers were psychic, since such coincidences are essentially impossible to achieve by conventional means. Although the results were far from consistent, it was with my eyes closed that I got the occasional 1. I did not get any lower than 200 milliseconds with my eyes open.

It is a widely held belief that (a) intuition exists, and (b) it is inherently unreliable. But I think that is a misconception. It is not intuition that is unreliable it is us. If intuition is spiritual knowledge manifested in us (which I believe it to be), that would make it the knowledge of God– that is, knowledge that takes into account everything- all that is. Human beings are imperfect, and we constantly make mistakes with our own knowledge. So then, since God’s knowledge is so far beyond us, if we are to apply God’s knowledge to our own lives, despite being imperfect, our imperfections will be extremely exaggerated, that it might match the gap between the knowledge that we comprehend, and that knowledge which we never will, since it is so far beyond us.

If intuition is that far beyond us in scope, it’s only natural that we, using that which we will never understand it, might perceive it as unreliable. For me, the example that first comes to mind is a person, having never used computers, trying to create a blog using wordpress.org software. While it is arguably the most powerful blog software in existence, the learning curve is insanely high to a novice, so it would be impossible for a newbie to use. So on that basis, the majority of people might say that wordpress.org software is critically lacking. It’s not that wordpress is lacking, or that intuition is lacking, it’s us who are.

I believe intuition to be infinite in application– how we apply it depends on our own potential. Whenever I see an opportunity, I train my mind, that I might be able to more consistently utilize my inherent intuitive (and by extension, psychic) abilities. If I’m able to fine-tune them to a reasonable level, it might even get to the point that I can safely walk outside, cross streets, and get to and from destinations, blindfolded; I may be able to sing songs I’ve never heard perfectly without the lyrics; or I may be able to absorb information, without reading it, but simply following it with my fingers. Of course, there are more idealistic goals like mind-reading, spiritual awareness, etc.- but for now I think I’ll stick with what I seem to specialize in: prophesy.

While I’ve found my evidence in short-term prophesy (the reflex game), I’ve been more-or-less aware of my prophetic gift for a few years now, although I did not begin to understand it till fairly recently. It started, ironically, in the relm of dreams. I believe that all dreams are, in one way or another, prophetic, and that they all play some role in regards to the future– if its use does not become evident to the initial dream, they, and their reincarnations/etc., will dream it, or variations of it, as many times as possible until it comes to terms with its purpose. As the saying goes, “where dreams end, reality begins”

This has been the case especially with me. I’ve had several dozen recurring dreams, a few of which I could list off the top of my head. Of these, there is one that particularly stands out, and that which has no evident link to anything I’ve experienced in reality (that is, outside a dream-state or “episode”): Although there are several variations of it, there are a few traits in common: (1) suffocation (2) helplessness (3) agony. But by far the most distinctive, and most important trait: those three traits only occur after a certain stage in the dream: (4) Become aware that it is a dream, and subsequently wanting to forcibly wake up from it. I also get the feeling that #4 is also ultimately the reason the prior traits are experienced, which is also of significance. I go into great detail regarding this in Kurushii.

Probably the first time I had that kind of dream was when I was 7 years old, and the most recent time was just a few days ago. But I think that, now that the dream has fulfilled its purpose, I won’t have it anymore. But the first time that I became aware of my “powers”, although at that point I had not identified them as such, was after the most extreme variation of this dream- one to which I quite literally woke up screaming and vomiting simultaneously. It was after this that my mind began to race– and these symptoms quickly escalated into Bipolar. Thinking back on it now, the timing is too convenient– this all took place at the same time that the growth hormone that I had been taking went into effect. So even if indirectly, my taking of the growth hormone caused the manifestation of my mental illness, and thus what caused my aunt to abandon me.

But after this point, which was around the time I entered King’s Academy (transferring in the second semester of 8th grade) I started becoming very stressed, attached, obsessed, and insecure. Or perhaps, I was already, but just was given a glimpse, for the first time, of who I really was. Perhaps my past was the price for this gift- I don’t know. Even back then, I was not at all aware of my feelings, or even my thoughts- perhaps it was because I didn’t want to know. I was content, in spite of all that, living in a blissful ignorance– looking back now, you couldn’t blame me. I was completely innocent. Sometimes I still long for that innocence, but I know what I really want is that kind of simple-minded happiness.

Eventually I began to hear what I called “the voices” which, although incoherent mutterings– which come to think of it are surprisingly similar to the “Culling” sound of the Wraith in Stargate Atlantis– of which I understood, and was overwhelmed, not by the voices themselves, but the emotions I sensed in them, calling out to me– all of a negative sort of desperation- not much different from the emotions I’ll describe in my Kurushii post.

In retrospect, every time I’ve had that recurring dream, and every time I’ve heard “the voices”, something life-altering happened, although- especially considering the vagueness of it all, that’s completely open to interpretation. But in either case, in one way or another, “the voices” have made incredibly drastic changes in the course of my life, which otherwise would not have been possible. The existence of them should therefore not be taken lightly.

Another manifestation of my prophetic abilities took place in my writing of the latter half of the 1st chapter of “Essence of the Soul”. The experiences I’ve been going through lately are the fulfillment of that.

Well, there are other examples of this kind, but I’ve tend to try to stay away from including too many examples in my blog posts, since it seems to redundant for my taste. So that’s about it– I’ll just be training my psychic abilities now. ps: although I already mentioned this in the previous post, just to make something clear: When I use the word “Psychic” I’m not just referring to commonly defined psychic abilities– when I use the word psychic, I’m referring any manifestation of intuitive abilities– thus: witchcraft, meditation, hypnosis, improvisation, speed-reading, and any manifestation of such kind is also psychic to me.

Philosophical Rambling

The following was originally intended to be an email, but towards the end of it, I realized that it would probably just overwhelm them, as was mostly intended for self-edification. so I decided to put all this rambling together as a th3g1vr.com post, since most of the stuff here is, like it or not, for my own self-edification too anyway…

It’s rambling for the most part, but here’s some good news for the (likely non-existent) subscribers to my blog: this post is a sneak peek of at least 5 posts which, although I can’t guarantee I’ll post by today (assuming I do have subscribers, they would know how inconsistent my posting time-frame tends to be), but I will definite post at some point, and without a doubt within the month.

Note: At the time of writing this post, I am a bit confused regarding the relationship of subjectivity to objectivity. So keep in mind, when I use the words, although I am referring to the philosophical usage, I have applied my own meaning to it, and that meaning is destined for a harsh evolution, so take that particular part of this post “with a grain of salt”.

I believe that how we perceive other people- their thoughts, actions, words, persona, etc.- and how we perceive the thoughts, actions, words, persona, etc. of God– or for that matter, of anything that we perceive, or potentially can perceive as sentient, or even anything we perceive in general, are not how those things actually are, but ourselves reflected off of those things.

now that was pretty much me trying too hard to fit a lot of information into one sentence. so let me break it down:

In the simplest of words, I believe that it’s impossible to know the objective reality of anything or anyone. But that really is beside the point- because the point is Why it is impossible: that is (in my view) because what we perceive to be objective reality (although perception is [in my view] always subjective– how we perceive things [the nature of our own perception, as determined by ourselves] is always objective– this is in fact why I believe subjectivity and objectivity to be self-cancelling paradoxes)

–perhaps I could better explain this with an analogy: Why is the sky blue? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diffuse_sky_radiation

it’s pretty much because most of the light scattered (reflected back) in the atmosphere has a short wavelength (450-495 nm)

Color	Wavelength
violet	380–450 nm
blue	450–495 nm
green	495–570 nm
yellow	570–590 nm
orange	590–620 nm
red	620–750 nm

during sunrise and sunset, and certain phenomena, other colors are shown, not because the wavelength ratios change, but because

light has the travel farther than short (i.e. blue) wavelengths can reach. interestingly enough, this would imply that such phenomena as aurora borealis would require an extremely high amount of balance between the different wavelengths, which makes it nothing short of amazing!

also of interest (on this topic) is how similar plants are in regards to light: while plants are usually greenish in color (due to the green pigment generated by chlorophyll) in the fall many plants change into a variety of colors– the reason for this is because the chlorophyll “runs out”, essentially making plants “naked”– but I can’t help but see the similarity, in that things being “stretched too far” results in the skewing of our perception.

I consider this concept one of my universal principles, meaning that has a theoretically infinite amount of potential applications:
to make such an application to our own perception of things- or more importantly, of sentient, or perceptively sentient beings:

In the same way that while we perceive the sky as being blue, it only appears that way because that most of the light reflected is within the blue wavelength of the spectrum– everything we perceive, regardless of whether our perceptions and reality coincide–

these perceptions are not reality, but reality reflected back to us. that is, our perceptions of things is the product of how we react when reality and us come into contact.

although it’s impossible to know what reality is, it is possible to know a great deal about ourselves- thus, we potentially have control of at least half of objective reality, and possibly more than that, depending on the actual nature of reality (i.e. if reality is largely intuitive, and it is possible to have psychic abilities (which in my opinion include witchcraft, psychic, meditation, hypnosis, prophesy, general intuition, etc; I will explain this in detail in future posts, which ideally I will write today).

thus, if as person is depressed, objective reality, and thus the only reality that we can be aware of, will change– I have occasionally be so depressed that the colors of Willow Glen change so much that it is completely unrecognizable– I have also been so disillusioned that I could not even recognize myself. I didn’t understand the latter until now, and- knowing now the nature of these things, I’m sure that other people have had similar experiences.

so what then, is subjective reality? when I ask that question, I’m clearly not asking for a textbook answer, although that might shed light of an actual answer. In the past, I have said “knowledge is power”, and written about it in several posts, but over time, knowledge has come to mean such that this might no longer be accurate. see, if knowledge is what I write, than it is power, but not for those who read it, but for I who writes it. that is because, although those who read it might know it, they do not understand it, and so that knowledge is useless. thus, what I write is not for others benefit as much as for my own. To apply the Epistles of the New Testament (although I’m paraphrasing) unless there is an interpreter, praying in tongues is not for the benefit of the church, but for self edification. (the original verses are 1 Corinthians 14:1-19)

thus, when I write, although it is my desire that others might benefit from it, ultimately it is for self-edification. ideally, all of such self-edification will be limited to blogging, that I might reserve my more emotional yearnings for those that might be important to me, and I to them.

But in regards to subjective reality, I’ve finally come to an answer: subjective reality exists, but its existence is, in the same way of tongues or my own blogging, only for our own benefit. To understand this, I appealed to the basics of mathematics, or the very least, algebra. Mathematics, and algebra in particular (I don’t know much of the nature of the higher levels of mathematics, but I imagine that calculus is even more abstract.)

so in other words, subjective reality is an abstract existence, an illusionary construct we created (or, like language, became intuitively aware of) in order to understand objective reality. If it is the latter (intuitive awareness of) as I believe it to be, would that not imply that subjective reality exists? it depends on whether existence requires perception (i.e. if a tree falls and no one is around, does it make a sound?) but I think it also depends on if you agree with the controversial opinions first asserted (historically speaking) *I can’t remember who, and can’t find who it was right now*– “nonexistence is a particular”– that is, “non-existence” exists.

but what is the nature of non-existence, if it “exists”? I think that, like variables are in mathematics, “non-existence” exists only as an abstract object, and thus only “subjectively”, so that we might understand “existence” I think it is in this way that everything exists and its opposite, if only abstractly. What reality actually is- that’s besides the point– if God wanted us to know it, or if it was something we should know, we would. there is definitely a reason for why we perceive things the way we do, and for me that reason is because such a perception fulfills God’s will for us.

but getting back to the point (for the umpteenth time– and surprisingly umpteenth turns out to be a word) perhaps it would be better to concentrate not on objective reality, but on objective perceptions of other people:

our perceptions of other people, regardless of whether they coincide with actual reality, are reflections of ourselves, and the product of our contact with others. that premise in mind:

who other people are, at least as far as objective reality is concerned, are essentially who we are, not who they are. Or more accurately, they are a representation of part of who we are- that part being the one that exists only at the moment of a particular moment of contact, and only when in contact with each certain variable (environmental factor). Because there are theoretically infinite factors, and theoretically infinite moments, that means that what we call “the identity” is an illusion, presumably supported by intuition- that is, because God has given us that “knowledge” so that we might have an identity.

I am of the opinion that God does not have a logical identity (something that is infinite cannot logically have an identity, because- being all that is, there would be no standard by which to establish ones identity; although we have certain certain standards of God- these are not who God is, but who we perceive him to be– furthermore, most of those standards are the inevitable natural result of God’s status as the creator (i.e. because he is the creator, he decided what is true, what is right, and what is wrong– etc., so it’s impossible for him to lie on sin, because he’s the one that established those standards in the first place- even if he were to lie or sin, it would not be lying or sin, because the moment he did it, his doing it would render it true and righteous, because he’s the one who judges those things in the first place.)

If that is the case, it’s likely that God created us so that he might work through us, thus having an identity. so indirectly we are God, in that we are God’s identity. Of course, such a role is in par with someone that has temporarily assumed a role (i.e. acting Commander in chief) in that we are easily replaceable– but this does help me to understand why God, and infinite (and thus presumably perfect) being, would create us. After all, at least from our perspective, something is not created unless there is a need to create it, meaning that God needs us. I can’t easily accept religious perspectives on the nature of God point-blank, partly because I have a great concern for the nature of God. it’s my own ego yes, but that also helps me understand who I am, because I am after all made in God’s image, and thus am a reflection of God.

ps. “made in God’s image”– brings up the visual of a person looking in a mirror so they know what they look like– I can’t help but think that those verses support my thoughts above.

but if, in the same way, our perceptions of others are a small part of a reflection of who we are (in the same way as we each reflect a small part of who God is), then knowledge of oneself can only accurately be obtained by understanding (or in my case, analyzing) the nature of each such connection, and the nature of the reaction, as well as the source of each such connection– and not only of those between other people and ourselves, but also of all environmental factors, including nature, society, culture, and even animals and inanimate objects. that is, to understand ourselves, we must not only study who we are as an isolated variable, but also who we are as determined by our connections, reactions, of the causes of such connections with all aspects of reality that can potentially be deemed relevant.

note that the identity, and in particular God’s lack of, is only measurable in the way explained above logically–which has inevitable limitations due to the lack of logical comprehension of God– that is, God is for the most part illogical..from my perspective, he is primarily intuitively known. if that is the case, then God may intuitively have an identity, but because intuitive knowledge comes from God, our knowledge of God is limited to what he tells us. but what we do know intuitively is what God intends for us to know, to fulfill his purpose for us. thus, because I know that most of what I write is largely intuitive, the fact that it conflicts with traditionally-held Christian beliefs, tells me not that I am misled, but that God’s purpose for me requires such differences….after all, it is not for us to judge whether or not a person’s beliefs are right– we can only guide others according to what we believe, and trust in God to lead us according to his purposes.

I surrender all

About 3 years ago, I stopped going to Crossroads Bible church, and about 6 months after that, I renounced Christianity. Although there were several factors leading up to this decision, it was for the most part very sudden, and everyone around me was taken off-guard by the level of resolve I had then- to the point even I was surprised. In retrospect, I recall the stereotypical drama scene in which lovers break up, because one of them realized that they had fallen out of love. I can empathize with such an individual, in that I had fallen out of love with Christianity, and I too had not realized it until the last moment. I had realized something that I did not want to- that the passion that I once had for serving God, and having a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, it had faded away, becoming nothing more than a relic of the past. By renouncing Christianity, I was not giving it up, but acknowledging that I no longer had it- a proverbial “burying my dead”

Since then, I dedicated myself to analyzing various concepts, most of which concerning motivation. After acquiring much knowledge and understanding, my journey began to learn more in the direction of self-analysis, and eventually I began to see how empty I had become. The more I tried to understand myself, the more I realized how much I was lacking- how most of “who I am” had become nothing but superficial conditioned responses. I was merely surviving, and motivated primarily by fear.

The more that I realized this emptiness, the more I longed for what I knew had filled it at one time- a personal relationship with our Lord. To achieve this, I tried to rationalize theories that justified a belief system that was compatible with my present theories and Christianity…a venture that failed miserably. Even after pondering it for weeks, there were still irreconcilable differences, and ones that I could not further compromise on- so I gave up.

A few months after this, I decided to go back to Crossroads, not to serve a God that I did not completely believe in, but to make friends, and through their support, expectations, and accountability, improve upon my own deteriorating life. Through the leaders of “The Ruckus” (our college group), I succeeded in this goal. But from the moment that I returned to Crossroads, God had already begun to work good in my spiritual life.

Through the guidance of friends around me, and my own genuine prayers to God to show me the way, I was able to be more honest with myself. I was able to see the fear, doubt, and chaos within my own life, and the scales in my eyes crumbled away. I was drawing towards despair, overwhelmed by my own unrighteousness, corruption, and the emptiness inside- those terrible feelings that I had denied all this time. But seeing that I had finally acknowledged my sin, God unburdened me from it, and at that moment it quite literally felt like an immense weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

It was then that I recognized God’s still small voice. I had heard God’s voice several times before, but I was so saturated by sin, and so bound in a protective castle of my own making, that I did not recognize his voice, being so self-absorbed in not getting hurt. Until then I heard, but did not understand. Now that I can lay myself bare before the Lord, I can hear his voice. Even now, when I acknowledge those feelings which plague me, I feel that same wonderful feeling, a refreshment that is amazingly similar to casting off a great burden. Now I can understand what Isaiah experienced when writing this verse:

Isaiah 40:31 (New King James Version)

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Today, I once again acknowledged my guilt, and asked the Lord to show me the way. God spoke to me again, and revealed to me where I was lacking: Pride. In these last couple years, I had dedicated myself not to serving God, but to justify a world where his existence was not necessary. One thing that I wanted above all, was control. Through my own reasoning, I built up a concept of life where God’s existence was not necessary, one that- in my own mind, I was in complete control. By gaining knowledge of motivation, I gained confidence in my own understanding of things, and my behavior was of one that assumed himself to always be right, taking pride in my own self-proclaimed enlightenment, and approaching concepts with perspectives that I believed only I could truly claim ownership of. I did not think in this manner, but looking back now, how I did think was merely a cover by which to justify my conceited self-righteousness.

Now I realize that even if I could reconcile my own theories with that of Christianity, it would not make any difference, because such a relationship would be one-sided. If God’s existence, nature, and purpose is only valid under my terms, to be that kind of Christian would only be mocking God. If I am to serve the most High, I must surrender all. A true relationship with God requires that I give up my pride, and let God take control of my life. God does not compromise, so I cannot serve him under my own terms. Revelation 3:15-18 (New King James Version):

15 “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. 16 So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. 17 Because you say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked— 18 I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see.

Through pride I was driven by fear and doubt to sin, but through trusting in the Lord, surrending all to Him, I can act with love driven by my desire to serve him, and in doing so bring about His righteousness. Without love, I am nothing.

Trust Fall

True Independence

I have a theory, which began developing in this post, that humans and souls have a symbiotic relationship, and that evolution is the manifestation of spiritual progress, although since I wrote that post my thought has “evolved” significantly, to the point that such a theory is almost obsolete. But it still is important, in that is represented the beginning of a fruitful pursuit of spiritual, rational, and intuitive knowledge, as well a greater focus on what has since become the topic I am most obsessed with- motivation.

After watching NGE (for the second time), I began developing another theory regarding the soul: The soul is both one and infinite; thus the objective and subjective perspectives are equally true. Who I am is not limited to myself, but to everything else in existence, and vice versa. Thus, we are all both perfect and imperfect, strong and weak, dependent and independent. This being the case, can “true independence” exist, given these assumptions?

Ironically, the answer is both “yes” and “no”. From a subjective perspective, independence is inherently impossible, and dependence is a necessity. From and objective perspective, it’s the opposite- because objectivity requires independence, it cannot be dependent.

This view does certainly imply that objectively, we are God; so, as to not blaspheme the most high, I must note that “true independence” is achieved not through action, but through thought.

One universally accepted Christian belief: Christians are not bound by the law, and so do not follow it out of obligation or fear. Rather, having the desire to serve the Lord, which comes from the Holy Spirit which is in us, we do what is right naturally- thus, it’s not that the law was wrong, it’s that it’s no longer necessary. (The law exists not for those who follow it, but those who would break it).

In the same way, by having a perspective of true independence, and passion to match it, our actions will naturally be truly independence, because our actions are the product of our beliefs and passions thereof.

So what then is this perspective? I’m new to this, so take what I’m about to say “with a grain of salt”, although, for now, I hold the following to be true: How we view others, and how others view us- these perspectives are not others’, but our own. When we think we know certain things about others, that is not their knowledge, but our own. Everyone views the same people differently– so does that mean that there are many different people in one? Perhaps, but- that being too complicated of a theory, I’d rather like to think that the person is the same, and they are viewed differently because that knowledge is only true to those that perceive, and not of the ‘object’ of perception.

In other words, we only know each other subjectively, and such knowledge is objectively false or incomplete. We may not even know ourselves objectively.

Although this question is irrelevant to this post, I want to put it out there, should anyone wish to answer, along with telling how they reached their conclusion: Is objective knowledge impossible?

In either case, following the above assumptions: Even if there are separate individuals from myself, and they communicate their own thoughts to me, by understanding, receiving, and applying their thoughts, they become my own, because, though they might know what they wanted to convey, I only know what I understood. In other words, knowledge is objective, but understanding is subjective. I’ll explain the implications (and importance) of this in later posts.

But from such a perspective, I have realized one new thing: if the relationship between knowledge and understanding is trivial semantics, then knowledge and understanding are one and the same: knowledge is “objective truth” (that which is perceived) whereas understanding is “subjective truth” (perception itself)

One of the ideals of Buddhism is the importance of “casting away all worldly desires” as these cause suffering. For the most part I agree with such a philosophy, but now I can reap from this another insight: “casting away all worldly desires” might be another way of saying “discard all subjective thought”. Assuming that such a thing is possible, doing so would inevitably result in attaining objective truth– the equivalent of being enlightened. Interesting!

Conflict of Interests

As I delve deeper into Christianity, setting aside preconceptions in the hope of attaining deeper truth, I’m constantly plagued by anxiety regarding the validity of my faith. For a while now, it has been my belief that faith, due to its passionate nature, permits anyone, even the intelligent and intellectual, to believe in that which would appear illogical, even absurd beliefs. Even now, I believe this to be true. That being the case, I am in continual confusion as to whether or not I’m adopting these beliefs because I want to, and that the actual motive lies not in “because I know it to be true”, but that some other part of me felt that such beliefs were necessary, even if they were false, to fulfill another need.

I know that I used to be a Christian, and every so often, I wistfully recall the past, longing for the innocence that I was, the potential that lay before me, the beauty that was the world, and my own life. It would be a lie to say that, to one extent or another, I would give up this life for the one of 5 years ago, or the one of 10 years ago. A couple years ago, I wrote a post telling of how I had lived several incarnations within this single life– and even now, it still feels like that. Though I might have appeared the same, and perhaps was characteristically similar, with each “incarnation”, I remember the old me dying, and a new, distincly different me, taking over where the last left off.

A part of me does feel that become a Christian will revive that past, but even if it did, such a past would not be real- not any more than dressing up in a Vampire costume on Halloween makes you a vampire.

As for truth– I can get into Christianity so much that I can temporarily forget what I truly believed. I hoped that, by doing this for a while, I might forget permanently, to the end that I would not be able to distinguish who I would become from who I was. If my theories are correct, that would be possible, but to what end?

Though I might rationalize that this is just “Satan” planting negative thoughts to lead me astray, I know better- these were my thoughts from the very beginning. Perhaps it might be semantics, but three things are certain:

(1) there is no way to know for sure that God exists.

(2) Even if there was, there is no way to know anything about him.

(3) I don’t want God to exist, because if he did my life would be meaningless. If God exists, then freewill is an illusion. I can only act within God’s will, which means that I am a mere puppet. Not only that, but God can destroy or change me at will, and I am easily replaceable.

This is not to say that I’ve giving up on this pursuit. I’m just confused. For me it’s never been about what I believe anyway, but “why” I believe it…

It’s really a matter of what I should live my life for, what I can live my life for. It’s about knowing what I want. What I’ve found is that “passion” and “desire” are two different things. Yes, perhaps it is semantics, but like it or not, that is how I’ve come to understand many things. While I have found passion by releasing my fears, that passion has given me no direction. There are so many things that I don’t understand. While life can be simple, it can also be complicated. Perhaps that’s just because I want it to be.

I heard that with every new answer received, several new questions arise, and I of all people know this to be true. I don’t know what I want to do, or what I should do, or even how I should do it, but I now know I can, and will do it. I now have what it takes to accomplish my potential. For that I am grateful. While perhaps I won’t be doing things the “right” way as dictated by Christianity, I also know that, if there is a God, that I am doing his will.

It’s not as if I’m ignoring God, or substituting him, and I’m not running away. I just recognize that understanding God’s will according to human standards is just like understanding a person using semantics. Regardless of what religion I have, or if no religion at all, if I’m so concerned with what I believe, or try so hard to force other’s beliefs on me, nothing will change. Living life in such a manner would be missing the whole point. Just by living life to my potential, and giving everything my best at doing what’s right, I’m already showing my appreciation as God’s creation.

Experiencing God

In the last post of my blog emotional moksha (“Emptiness”), I acknowledged how lacking I felt about myself, and by releasing that burden to God, I was able to hear God’s voice for the first time. Well more accurately, I was able to recognize it. At the moment I realized these things, I remembered several times in the past that I had heard God’s voice, “the still small voice”, but I could not recognize him. I have been fervently pursuing God the last couple years, and a few months ago, in my desperation, called out to him, to help me find the way, to know what to do. About a month ago I started emotional moksha, but when I started it I did not realize that it would play a role in helping me experience God. I realize now that I could not hear God’s voice, despite my desire to, because I was so overwhelmed by the fear, doubt, and chaos shrouding my heart.

With all that has happened to me in the past, I’ve built up walls around my mind, within my psyche, to protect myself from the trauma I went through all those years. Those walls did save me in the long run, but I did not become aware of them until a few months ago. Because of those walls, I could not remember the emotions of the past, and could not recognize the emotions of the future. I felt neither fear nor passion, doubt nor affirmation, chaos nor peace. Or more accurately, I could not fully comprehend these feelings, though I felt them.

In doing so I had shielded myself not only of my feelings, but also of any influence. I did not change, and time went on without me. The armor of my heart protected me, but at the natural price of lacking the resolve to move forward, to improve upon myself. This armor of mine prevented me from hearing the voice of Satan, but I couldn’t hear the voice of God either (by hear I mean “recognize”). Furthermore, I could not truly understand others around me, because- just I could not feel my own warmth, I could not feel the warmth of others. I could not be hurt, but for the same reason I could not be comforted.

Even though I did not realize it, being numbed by the armor around my heart, I still had emotions- a great deal of them, and of every kind. Even though I was not aware of them, they were there, waiting to be released. After I asked for God to show me the way- no, even before that he had prepared the way. Thinking about it now, there are thoughts I had and people I encountered which, although it seemed at the time to be another step in my own thought process, or another inspiration in writing a book- sure I knew these things were significant, but I did not know that God was using these things to prepare the way for me, as I realize now. Since I heard God’s voice, I began to better understand his purposes- got to know him a little bit better.

One thing that I think is not emphasized enough, it what it truly means to be in a relationship with God. For example, “Why does God need us to pray to him, if he already knows what’s going to happen, even before we are born?” This is where my own thoughts about motivation come in. God created us for a reason- that is, we have a purpose. From what I’ve seen, the meaning of being part of God’s purpose is often ignored, when it shouldn’t be.

If God has a purpose for us, it means that- for whatever reason, he needs us. If God wants a relationship with us, it’s because he desires such a relationship, which means that such a relationship is of benefit to him, because it somehow assists with fulfilling that which he needs. One can also not love unless it fulfills a need- from which we might draw the conclusion that either “God can love and is imperfect”, or “God is perfect and cannot love”.

But that fails to take into account that God is the creator of all that is– which means that God alone decides what perfection is. God can be perfect and still need us, because he is God- that reason alone is enough. If anything, we perceive weakness and need as imperfect, simply because we are imperfect and our view of things are distorted. I believe that God intentionally created imperfect beings despite being perfect, so that he could appreciate his own perfection, through his relationship with us.

Once God had prepared the way for me, and I had realized in full the existence of the armor covering my heart, for the first time I faced myself, honestly and earnestly stood beside my own reflection. It was painful, troubling, terrible. Over 10 years worth of emotions, including a great deal of emotional trauma- began to implode from within, and I was overwhelmed. All of the feelings that I convinced myself to be lacking, including those of hatred, bitterness, anger, melancholy, loneliness- mostly negative feelings, after being pent up all those years, overwhelmed me.

But even before this, I had considered starting a blog about my emotional self, that I might better understand that part of me which at the time was still a mystery. I remembered the verse

Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the LORD,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

And started up emotional moksha, and each time I acknowledge the emotions overwhelming me, I literally feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from me- it really is an amazing feeling- each time like a miniature-miracle. And in the last post (the 3rd one total), as I wrote it, I experienced God for the first time.

It was then that I realized that the armor around my heart had prevented me from seeing my emotions, and that by acknowledging my emotions, and giving them to the Lord, I had been freed from what had prevented me from having a true relationship with God- what had prevented me from recognizing his voice. By giving up my fears, doubt, and chaos to God, for the first time since I was a child, I could appreciate the passion, intimacy, and commitment that can come from knowing God. But unlike as a child, I can now appreciate the beauty of it, and no longer take it for granted.

Emptiness

Right about now I am taking in the shock of some realizations that I probably didn’t want to have. well, I know that I did want to know, but now that I know I don’t know what to do about it. I kept telling myself to wake up from this dream of mine, and now that I am awake from it, Reality is harsh for me, and the dream that I was living in prior to now seems like paradise comparably.

what I realized is that everything I’ve lived for until now was an excuse. well, as you know I had already realized this- but it wasn’t until now that the meaning of this realization registered- kind of like when a lover dies, for a while the widow(er) doesn’t accept that they’re dead- then after a week or two the shock wears off, and natural anesthesia gives way to the painful truth.

my first conclusion was that everything I do, I don’t do because it’s right or because I want to, but because its natural. It bugged me though- “why are these things natural for me?”– now I realize, it’s because living my life the way I do was a necessity, to fill up the emptiness within.

Remember when you asked what I thought others thought of me, then when you said that wasn’t the case- and I wasn’t surprised? when you asked why I thought it even if I knew it was wrong, I said “because even if it’s wrong, at least it’s something.”- that pretty much sums up my life- or at the very least, my dream. I don’t know exactly when the dream started, but I know that sometime in my life, who I was died inside of me, and I began dreaming up a fake me, because I didn’t want to accept that, in some way, I was already dead. I wish I could explain it better, but at the very least these are my true feelings.

I tried really hard to establish an identity for myself, taking the opinions of others, and of that which I perceived myself to be– in all likelihood, the me of now is the product of the internet, since for the longest time that was my sole resource in defining myself, other than my own logic. by giving myself an identity, building on myself, embarking on a journey of self-discovery, from the surface I improved, got to know myself, and got to know others– leveraging the resulting passion to start living what I perceived to be a normal life. I had a dream- one that I knew could not be fulfilled, and I loved that dream for that very reason.

But now that I have woken up from that dream, I don’t know what to do. I know what is right, but I can’t find the courage to do it. I’m afraid that, no matter what I do, it will be an excuse. And because I know it is an excuse, my fears are validated.

Depression and anxiety are caused by fear, chaos, and doubt- in this case, I fear myself and doubt myself- the only thing I have left is control- and I fear that even that will slip away. I fear God himself, and I hate myself for it. God has become another excuse to me, and that belief is validated- it is something that I know to be true.

Have you ever felt something to be absolutely true- to the point that there is absolutely no doubt in your mind– and that something cannot be proven true empirically, nor validated logically or emotionally- something that you just know?

I have- and it is something that Aristotle called intuition- transcendental knowledge. So if my fears appear to me to be absolutely true, and fear is not of God but of Satan, that would mean that I’m being influenced by Satan.

Originally I never had such experiences, but the last few months, I have had several such experiences, with them increasing rapidly as time goes on. The way I see it is that, since the first several experiences were positive (to the point that at one point I fancied myself a god) that in accordance with balance, I have had these negative experiences- that I feel to be equally without a doubt, and even stronger. What’s more, I predicted that all of this would occur, several months ago- when then I never imagined such things would actually happen to me. If there were prophets in the Bible that did not want their prophesies to come true but knew they would, I can empathize with them.

For my entire life, my greatest concern was a lack of friends- I remember that part of my life clearly, so I know that this concern has consumed me since the very first day of grade school. I never thought about myself or others- I was only concerned with getting attention, so that I would not feel left out. I got that attention, even if it was not healthy attention, and picked up bad habits because of that. These habits did serve their purpose- even if it was negative attention, or attention given for the wrong reasons, I did get a lot of attention because of it. I stood out from others, and so have been unique my whole life. Once I realized these things, I continued to develop characteristics that set me apart. Eventually I gave up on friends– I had lived without them for so long, that I did not need them- or rather, the need was not worth the effort. After over 10 years of effort, I wondered why I even bothered. By now, I have adapted to the point where friendship is not a necessity- the illusion became enough.

Lacking friends all this time, I had given up on all worth of myself- I found that it was better not to care about myself. Because I don’t care about myself, I can’t be hurt- I can adapt to any situation- I’m psychologically invincible. Seeing it in such a way- living this dream, I could go on, building my passions on it. Even if it was illusion, it was one that I had believed in for so long, that I could go on with such a foundation. Because such a dream was unique, I could forget about my true feelings, and just let my dream sweep me away.

I suppose that I began waking up from my dream when I realized that others were getting hurt by my dream. If their actions were not compatible, I cut them off, deciding that it was for the best- saying that I was the one at fault. It’s very easy to handle it in such a way when you think of yourself as nothing- and so it’s also easy to hurt other people when you cannot respect yourself.

I know what is right, but I cannot do it. I feel guilty, because I know that Bible verse to be true. While most Christians might insist the Bible to be true in its whole, I can tell which ones are really true- that is the gift God has given me. While my emotional intuition is not good, my intellectual intuition- that is something that I can believe in. Though I know not what form, I know God exists, not because of proof or validation of any kind- I just know, from the bottom of my heart. When there is not trace of doubt, there is no need for proof or validation. I finally understand how Christians- no, any believers of God– I can understand now how, what faith truly is- how one can know without a doubt, even though otherwise he might not exist. This must be what it means to experience God.

Even though I might not know that I can move on, I know that God is here, and that he is just waiting for me to open up to him, so that he may impart upon me more wisdom- that which I will also know beyond any doubt to be true.

To be frank: Sometimes I do think suicidal thoughts; but whenever I do, I always cut myself off mentally, because I get this strong ominous feeling, that if I give in to such thoughts for even a moment, that I will lose control of myself, at which point I don’t know what I might do. Thinking about it now, it does feel like “a still, small voice” is warning me- and each time this occurs, I get this sort of shock, like suddenly coming out of a trance. That’s another type of intuition I know myself to have- every once in a while, I feel like I hear or feel a sudden jolt- and for some reason I know that this jolt means that something significant is going to happen.

People around me probably think that because I tend to take an anti-Christian approach, or disagree with fundamentally accepted aspects of God, that I do not experience God, but I know that, having experienced God more than most people, I have all of the reason a person could ever need to believe in God- it’s more like “how could I not believe?”

Because I know certain things about God- and I know this knowledge must come from God, I also know that God is with me, and that I will find my way as long as I believe. Even though I’m very confused right now, I know that God will work things out.

So although I may have failed other’s expectations this time– though I may have lost this battle, through God I will definitely win the war.

Misfit

I haven’t written for a while (again), partially due to personal issues, and also because I’ve been thinking about enough different things that by the times I’m satisfied enough to write it all down- it will take the form of several milestone-class posts. In fact, only a small portion of this post is based on these thoughts- the majority was thought up within the last couple days, or sitting dormant for several years. *you’ll see what I mean by “dormant”*

A wise man once told me, “about 80% of all communication is body-language.” My immediate thoughts on this (which I vocalized) were “If that really is the case, then I’m missing out big-time!” To be honest, when he first said it, I thought it was a hyperbole— it was a bit disconcerting to realize that that might really be the case- after all, I am incapable of reading most body-language.

But thinking about it now, it makes sense. Most of communication between individuals is by means of culture. As I’ve  briefly gone over in the past, Culture is basically made up of two things: expectations, and those who live according to them. The group of people can be any size, depending on the common interests of the culture– from global culture (the largest unit), to a clique (the smallest unit).

In any culture, expectations are an inevitable and crucial prerequisites to identifying with one- that is because expectations are the foundation of any culture, of a necessity of any civilization. One such expectation that is believe to be what enabled civilization to exist- is farming. At some point nomads settled down and took the risk of starvation, trusting in the expectation that the crop will grow. Although nomadic culture existed prior to that, and still exists (i.e. homeless people), civilization requires culture, and by extension expectations. For a person to be identified with a particular culture, they must meet those expectations- which are more specific in cliques, and more loosely-defined in a broader range of people.

Of the expectations of culture, most are not said directly, but instead communicated through body-language. This is because, among other reasons, those of a particular culture group are expected to already know– Those who don’t know already don’t need to know, since they are not part of that culture (not meeting the expectations). If we are not part of a culture and want to be, we must either figure it out on our own, or directly request info on that culture from someone who is part of it. Although this does make communication more efficient, I think that the primary reason things work this way, is also unsaid- that is, because it’s unnatural and overcomplicated to interpret everything to be understood universally.

This is where, for me, the problem lies: Although smaller cultures are optional and and specific, global culture is universally mandatory for anyone who identifies as human, and is collectively known as “common knowledge“. I cannot read most body language, and so my common knowledge is limited to what I have taken the initiative to learn– which in turn means that if I do not even know about the existence of something, I am not even capable of learning it unless someone tells me, or I find out about it by chance.

People that have similar problems are those with Asperger’s Syndrome, which in turn is sometimes synonymous with the stereotypical geek. Although I do not know if my own issues fit well even in Aspie culture, the lack of ability to read body language has adversely affected me, in that because most expectations are communicated through body language, and other culture-specific methods, I am unable to appreciate, or even be aware of the vast majority of expectations that other people have of me.

In my previous thoughts concerning what other expected, and expect of me, and how that impacted my own expectations (our own expectations are the cumulation of others- we do not (usually) gain more complete independent expectations until adolescence), I decided that it was because my family had very little demonstrated expectations of me. This perception was also based on the fact that my dad avoids confrontation of any kind, and tends to communicate passively- that is he rarely spells out anything directly, implying his preference instead of asserting his will. Aside from the fact that I spent most of my adolescence (the most crucial period for developing expectations) with people that (from my perspective) had more demonstrated expectations of me, I’ve realized a much more pressing concern:

If, as it appears, about 80% of communication uses body-language and other culture-specific methods, that means that I am completely oblivious to 80% of what is expected of me, and thus cannot appreciate, acknowledge, or (most importantly) apply and benefit from the vast majority of what is expected of me. Considering that, prior to adult-hood, our thinking is more simplistic and we are more easily influenced, such a deficiency would have a drastic impact of the development of individual expectations.

In fact, in my entire life, the expectations that this wise man had of me, and communicated directly so that I would know in its entirety– It seems to be the first time I felt that anyone expected anything of me. That is, prior to that, I was aware of many expectations that people (in particular institutions, like school and work), but expectations cannot be appreciated logically or even empirically, but must be known, (quoting The Matrix), “you just know it, through and through”.

This is very unfortunate, because expectations are a crucial aspect of not only culture, but essentially every aspect of interpersonal relationships. A person without expectations cannot develop [reciprocal] friendships, and their ability to love is limited and imbalanced.

Expectations are also a necessity in mustering motivation for any task that does not immediately accomplish the goal(s) one might work toward. This can be understood by applying the Triangular Theory of Love, developed by Robert Sternberg:

Love can be split into three primary aspects: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. as I will explain in future posts, these correspond directly the Sigmund Freud’s Id, Ego, and SuperEgo (in that order- the Id being our source of passion, Ego of intimacy, and SuperEgo of commitment.

The SuperEgo seeks to improve upon itself or others, which in turn requires change.

*note: as I will also explain in future posts, the SuperEgo may conversely seek to destroy itself or others– this is because, just as “the means” (the shape and quality of what is accomplished) is determined by the Id (level of passion/ desire), Ego (level of security/control) and SuperEgo (level of expectations), “the ends” (the ultimate result) can either be creative or destructive. Although religions tend to assert that good and evil are objective, I think subjective would be more accurate- but regardless of whether of the nature of their existence, it would be more accurate to think of good and evil as “creative and destructive”, because not only are there things that appear creative to some and destructive to others, but to some extent, creating anything requires destroying other things, and destroying anything requires creating something else- this is a natural consequence of change, which is why all change has risks.

In other words (The following describes the consequences first of the creative SuperEgo, then of the destructive SuperEgo BTW.):  To progress in the future requires digressing from the past, and to digress in the future requires progressing (emphasizing) the past (FTR progressing the past sounds a bit confusing, which is why we use “regress” to describe that).

If commitment is achieved through expectations, any long-term goals are impossible without oneself and/or others having the expectation that the goal will be accomplished, and of course the individual(s) the goal concerns must be aware of those expectations. I find it interesting (and very surprising) to realize that friendship does not require expectations- that is, a person doesn’t need to be important to be a friend. In and of itself, the level of friendship is dependent on the level of intimacy (since friendship is the product of intimacy), and intimacy, in and of itself, is motivated by the Ego- that is, the need for security and control. When I previously defined friendship, I was too idealistic about it- “true friendship” as we know it is produced from reciprocal fulfillment of the need for security and control (intimacy), that is complimented by reciprocal fulfillment of the need for expectations. So interestingly enough, my previous thoughts regarding friendship (see my Love post) although harsh and oversimplified, were more accurate than I had thought. “True friendship”, according to the Triangular Theory of Love, is the product of “Companionate Love”.

But here’s the crucial dilemma (and the original intended focus of this post): How should one (i.e. myself) go about living life if they expect very little of themself, and do not know (and thus cannot appreciate or benefit from) what others expect from them?

Well– actually, come to think of it, there is a dilemma that is far more severe, and the worst part about it is that I know just how hopeless it is:

I believe that, in accordance with balance, to change any characteristic of oneself, it requires the same amount of effort (be it conscious or subconscious) that was put into developing those qualities to neutralize them, and twice the effort to develop qualities of the opposite nature. To put into context– History demonstrates how, in spite of centuries of research and experimentation with various treatments, in most cases the success rate for correcting homosexual attraction is either 0%, or close to it. Since homosexuality is not genetic (if it was it would have died out over 4 millennia ago), it must be behavior. My explanation for why sexual behaviors are so (impossibly?) difficult to treat is because sexual desire is the first type of behavior to develop in life, beginning with the first love (normally the mother) *note when I say “sexual”, I’m referring to libido. To clarify- Those who conform of Freud psychology believe babies are pure Id- they know they want, but know not what they want (Ego) or how to get it (SuperEgo).

Freud introduced the controversial notion that human development is ultimately motivated by sexual desire (and due to complications in justifying the theory, became a major enemy of feminists (see Penis Envy), so that leads me to believe that “libido” could also mean simply “desire”- but it makes more sense to me by putting it like this: Id is the part of our consciousness motivated to gain back what we lost. Thus, from a broader perspective, desire is born out of a need to regain something which, even if only in our own mind, we once had in some form. Considering the simplicity of a baby’s mind (and their life in general), after weaning is completed, the primary thing to get back is obvious.

With gays this would not (normally) apply- so, from what I can tell, the desire (and thus the gay attraction) normally originates in an early childhood memory. That is because the earlier the attraction originates (memories), the more years of effort (in the form of desire) have accumulated in that direction, making change virtually impossible (not only would you have to have to desire to change, but the change cannot occur until present desire accumulates to match and exceed the total amount put in the past.

The dilemma I have now, is that in my entire life up till now, I was not aware other the vast majority of others expectations, and so I was not able to appreciate or benefit from them, and behaved as if very little was expected of me. It’s very likely that I gave a bad impression of myself as a result, and my natural talents and love of acquiring and sharing knowledge did not impress people around me as it would have if I had met, or at the very least acknowledged all their other expectations. I did not realize this until relatively recently, and did not understand it until now– but now that I know this of what good is it to me? It’s not a simple feat, after all, to undo and redo 20 years worth of living, and even if I could accomplish it, would it really be worth it? Even if I am a misfit, I’m satisfied with myself, which really doesn’t give me any motivation for such an aspiration the first place. Before I could begin such an endeavour, I would first have to know what is expected of me in the first place, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that!

Depression Treatment

*note this is one of the old posts I actually wrote a long time ago– just FTR*

*…But as I am writing it now, I’ve modified it significantly so as to blend better with current thought, and also to incorporate recent concepts when relevant…*

As I explained in Playing the Victim, one of my co-workers was suffering from acute depression, and asked for advice. The solution I gave her was *obviously* to stop “playing the victim”, and accept responsibility for her life – thus empowering herself and providing the psychological leverage needed to deal with the other issues, and begin progressing with life again. Although this solution is logically valid, I’ve become to realize more and more how much truth cannot be logically justified -so, for lack of better feelings, I should  “be more considerate of her feelings”- for lack of better phrasing – So this depression needs to be handled more gradually, using “gentler” methods :P

Due to the ever-constant chaos already eminent in her life, dealing with it logically would be impossible, because logic has already become irrelevant. I assured her that I would see what I could do in finding a [irony alert!] more *reasonable* solution, and fortunately, I think I’ve found one. Well, from the looks of things the *best* solution is a work-in-progress, but at the very least it’s something to work off of. Of course the solution has nothing to do with drugs. I was medicated for several years in the past, and although I definitely had, and *have* the illnesses I was diagnosed with, I found I did far better without them. Come to think of it, the several different medications I was given did little more than sedate me. As far as I can tell, that was about it. Don’t ask why, I have know clue :P

As I mentioned in that same post (“Playing the Victim”) I was able to deal with my psychological issues best (by an overwhelming margin) without medication; if anything the medication just made things worse. So although I cannot speak for anyone else, From my person experiences I would definitely recommend against the ingestion of psychological drugs of any kind. Treatment is frequently contrasted with “Cure”, being only a temporary/partial solution (i.e. to minimize symptoms)- Cures are permanent.

I think the fact that medication only minimizes symptoms is particularly interesting- after all, “Symptoms” are the proof that the body/mind/etc. is fighting against the disease/etc. If the symptoms disappear, that doesn’t mean the person is better. In fact, if the disease/etc. still exist despite symptoms, that should be considered a bad thing, since the immune system is essentially being suppressed, allowing the disease freely roam, resulting in far worse [in this case] mental health. Well, that’s just speculation on my part, but such an opinion is also implied in “I Never Promised you Roses”. In the cases of depression, the “cure” might well be to deal with the problem as described in “Playing the Victim”- however, for now, a temporary solution [*treatment*] should suffice.

Among many– more minor illnesses, I have Bipolar- previously known as “manic-depressive” disorder. The previous name is much more descriptive, but I guess they’re trying to be more politically correct :P I regularly go through cycles- between depressive and more manic states; I maintain a more “normal” demeanor in-between. The upside and downside of Bipolar is the same: the cycles are predictable. That is- I only get depressed or manic “when I’m supposed to”- this makes cycles very predictable, and I can schedule accordingly, since it works like clockwork. But of course, no one likes getting depressed– well, I’m sure plenty of people like getting manic though :P Then again, I don’t ever get anxious (for certain reasons that I’ll cover in later posts) so I don’t have to deal with that part of the manic cycle…but for whatever its worth, that’s the downside.

A while ago I realized that I could completely thwart the depression cycles (although the manic isn’t so bad) by making a habit of automatically rejecting the logical validity of all negative thoughts. Although I did not realize it then, I had already been doing such a thing for a few years now. But I have also realized that, in accordance with balance, to disregard any emotion logically, I had to lose my emotions; this is because to logically get rid of emotions, one must believe any previous emotions to never have existed- this is necessary because emotions are the backbone of passion and desire- no decision can follow through without one’s emotions backing it.

Getting back to habits though, as I detailed in [insert post], it’s possible to force oneself to change the perception of anything you want, even if it is the exact opposite of the original and natural perception. In that experiment, as I was walking in the freezing cold (of last winter, to be exact) I decided to imagine the pain as being pleasure, and concentrated on the cold being a good thing, setting aside all “common sense” in favor of this perception. The result was a bit surprising- by concentrating the pain completely went away- it was very exciting seeing how perceptions can be manipulated this way.

The only thing lacking with this is that one must concentrate to experience the conversion. That’s where habits come in. The purpose of habits is to keep of memory of thing that are done often, and usually require a degree of concentration. It is an adaptation that allows us to perform tasks better the more that we do it, because those things we’ve already concentrated on a lot are stored in our “cache“, which frees up our “memory” to focus on the finer details, or other tasks. Although perhaps I’m a bit partial due to my hobbies, I think that the human brain is strikingly similar to the computer- or, even more likely, the other way around.

As a result of these habits, I have not felt depressed for a few years now.

*Note “felt”- “depression can mean more than one thing; “felt” meaning that I have not had any sad or depressing thoughts for a while. In retrospect BTW this is not a good thing- to accomplish this required “unbreacheable” psychological walls to be put up, resulting in an almost completely nonchalant perspective towards everything; the root meaning of depression (“to slow down”/ “fall” / “be undone” /etc) is still true even now- the depression just does not include the emotional components (i.e. sadness/melancholy/etc.)*

There was one brief period a while back (see Self-Awareness post ) but that only last half an hour. I was thrust into a terrible depression, due to not being able to prepare a decent resume (I had no work experience at the time). But, seeing that I needed it to get done, I forcibly moved myself forward, and was able to pull off what had appeared to be impossible, thus effectively ending that “episode“. Recalling this incident has also played a key role in determining another, more “reasonable” solution to my coworker’s problem.

All of “today” (*see top*), as expected, I experienced the usual wave of depression. Well, I say depressed, but (as explained above) the only symptom I still experience is a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. On these days I might normally do nothing but watch anime- and in WCS even lack the motivation to play games. But even when I have such days, going to work is not a problem. Actually, on these days going to work is actually more of a vacation, anyway. Much of the reason for this is explained in Opportunity– that is, working each day with the awareness that half my pay is not in the salary, but in the opportunity to work. As I’ve discovered over time, the reason why working can be so fulfilling- is because of expectations- knowing that our coworkers and supervisors expect us to do the job well, and fullfilling those expectations, fills us with a wonderful sense of pride. The way I see it, this is “running away from ourselves”- here’s why:

Who we are- that which we perceive ourselves to be, and also who and that which we perceive others to be, is dependent on memory, which also means that we can only see ourselves and other people as we were in the past. That is because we are contantly changing and growing, clarifying and building upon who we are every second, although the changes may not be noticed for years. Because of that, the person we perceive ourselves to be, is actually the past, and is not entirely accurate. The irony (and amusement) of this, is that we are able to change in the first place for this same reason. See, to move forward and grow, we must leave our past behind us, which I believe is a necessity due to balance. Interestingly enough, it is also a central theme for reincarnation. So “running away” from ourself in essence means “leaving behind the past” to move towards a better future. So perhaps a more optimistic phrasing would be “running to” (although that would totally kill the visual)

Since I am a restless individual, lacking in patience (although I have aquired a significant patience these past few months, in recognition of the need) I first dealt with my lack of motivation by being confrontational (i.e. a complete ass) with my roommates. Thinking about it now, that initial approach is strikingly similar to Linkin Park’s song “Breaking the Habit”. From what I can tell, this journey I’m going through has an extremely close likeness that the journey that Linkin Park depicts in their music, so I often listen to the words of their songs for guidance. As the contributers (of that song) in Linkin Park did though, I realized that there were better ways of dealing with it, that I needed to ‘break the habit’.

So I started settling down, and played games with them instead. Here I realized another way of self-treating depression. Summing it all up, a person’s psychological health is primarily dependent on one factor- pride. This is why it’s important to not play the victim- depression is caused by insecurity. The opposite of insecurity is self-control. Taking control of a situation is an active way of alleviating insecurity (and thus depression), but it’s likely that in most cases of depression, the person’s state-of-mind renders them incapable of taking the initiative- thus a passive response is necessary. By playing games with my roommates that I knew I would win, and by following through with that expectation, I am able to alleviate my insecurity in a passive manner. That is, it required no initiative, because they already wanted to play- I only had to say “yes”. Thus, one of the best ways to alleviate depression passively, without initiative, is to put oneself in an environment where we will succeed, and have the expectations of others to drive and support that success.

With both the resume incident and the days that I played games to relieve depression, the key factor is power. In one way or another, empowering oneself plays a vital role in allowing us to move on. To put in another way, the most efficient way to get over depression is to “pet your ego” by showing off your strengths to others. Pride is, after all, one of our greatest needs as humans, making this a reliable “quick fix” for depression

Neon Genesis Evangelion

I’ve been working on this project for a while- comprised of searching for the ultimate motivation, our true purpose, the “meaning of life”- and, digging deeper, the “essence of the soul”, the relationship between the soul and ourselves, and between God and ourselves, as well as various other speculations about the spiritual world. I know that all of these things are part of one thing, and that thing I hereby christen Neon Genesis Evangelion. My project had many goals:

1. Finding the Ultimate Motivation, True Purpose, Meaning Of Life, the Essence of the Soul, the relationship between it, and God, with ourselves, as well as other aspects of the spiritual world

2. Defining what knowledge I had gleaned

3. Clarifying and Refining this knowledge, so that I and other may better understand it

4. Presenting this format in an eloquent and artful fashion, and in such a way that it could be appreciated by the simplest of minds, but still providing an infinite amount of meaning to those that seek it- to be speculated over for ages to come.

5. Producing this knowledge in different forms of media- books, illustrations, music, and (ideally) anime.

But it seems that the author of Neon Genesis Evangelion has already accomplished what I was setting out to do- as I go over in my mind the plot, theme, character-development- everything is the spitting-image of what I planned to do, the story I was living, and recording.

Well, it’s nice to know that I’m not quite as *crazy* as I might have thought myself to be otherwise- after all, now I’ve found quite a few major artists that seems to have experienced similar things in the past as I am now. not only the author of this lengendary series, but also Linkin Park. There are also others, although I can’t think of them off the top of my head…My brother seems to have also gone through similar experiences too, although he doesn’t talk too much about himself so I don’t know.

There is one major difference between NGE and my own story. NGE is the materialization of the themes that I am experiencing, of which I am trying to convey. So my story, my book, it would actually be more of a prequel to NGE- a sort of prophesy of events to come, and *naturally* I am the prophet. (Of course those events have *supposedly* already happened, so it’s more like I am one who retains the memory of the said prophet* :P

So on that note, I’m considering continuing writing the story. Since in the past few months I’ve had several changes in thought due to various developments, it may well turn out to be a different story altogether anyway– well actually I’m counting on that. It’ll probably be low priority though, for various reasons.

Absolutely

“to lose itself in order to find itself, that is the way of spirit”- Hegel (although it’s copied from my philosophy notes, so it’s probably not a direct translation)

I think that this applies to all aspects of life, and- that being said- I have a lot of work to do.

So that you will know what I’m talking about, I’ll break it down:

“to lose itself”= chaos

“to find itself”= absolute

In the past I would have thought of myself as anything but chaotic, but that was because I did not truly recognize what cause was. I thought of chaos as the complete absence of reasoning, judgment, deliberation. But this is not accurate, as exemplified by chaos theory. Chaos is, rather, the complete absence of absolutes. I have no absolutes, so this makes me very chaotic. So as things stand, I am taking the path of the Negative Essence, by which I would never find peace or satisfaction.

Therefore “to lose itself in order to find itself, that is the way of spirit” means:

For the spirit to satisfy its potential (and thus find peace), it must continually balance between absolutes and the lack thereof. This might be the key to the true “synthesis” between the Id and Ego (Negative and Positive Essences), after all, Id= chaos, and SuperEgo= absolute. This is where the SuperEgo comes in, but first I’d like to point out of couple of things:

First, in previous posts, and notably Agony, I mistook the SuperEgo as being the Ego- so much of the time “Ego” is mentioned (particularly in Agony) “SuperEgo” is what should be said. One of Freud’s sucessors, Carl Jung, further refined Freud’s philosophy by adding a divide recognizing the Personal Unconscious, and the Collective Unconscious. I made the mistake of using “Ego” to refer to the Personal Unconscious, assuming the SuperEgo to be the Collective Unconscious.

Second, the synthesis is actually produced by the Ego- emphasis on produced. From what I gather, the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo are reflection of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Please note that when I use these terms, they are not to be interpreted as being in compliance with standard Christian beliefs.

Warning: TANGENT– While I believe that my beliefs are drawing closer and closer to those of Christianity, they will probably never be compatible; In fact, if my writing is appealing to others, I might even develop a cult :P. No seriously though, One of the things of my top ten “world domination” is to completely reinterpret the Bible. Actually, in the plan is to the possibility of several interpretations for each phrase, verse, passage, chapter, theme, book, etc. However, utilizing a wiki system, released under the Creative Commons License, it would definitely be doable. After all, The Bible is the most popular book, and the Bible itself infers that it should be interpreted democratically (2nd Peter 1:20-21 — see http://www.twopaths.com/faq_BibleTrue.htm for more info) End TANGENT —

But basically, my main point is that, for several reasons, it’s a very bad thing that I have no absolutes. To be honest, at the time I first starting writing this post (a few months ago!) I was very confused (hence the time delay) and so really it would be pointless to cover exactly why it’s a bad thing, because it would be best to cover that extensively in posts prepared for it. For now I’ll go with an analogy- Neon Genesis Evangelion. Towards the end of the original series (i.e. the Human Instrumentality project) the main character (which BTW I identify with so much it’s scary) Shinji explores the significance of limits.

Without limits we would be completely free, but we wouldn’t know what to do. Everything would be one big blob, we ourself could not distinguish ourselves from it- life itself could not exist without absolutes. By creating limits, we are able to better understand and interact with our surroundings, but there is an inevitable price for that, which is imprisonment.

This is why I believe that an infinite God cannot exist- in order for God to recognize himself, to understand himself, and to recognize and interact with his creation, there must be limits- otherwise he would not be able to distinguish himself from anything else. As I first began to understand while writing this post, our souls likely also inhabit us so that they could better interact with themselves, and creation, also being infinite otherwise.

It could just be one soul, perceived as many- there are (ironically) an infinite amount of possibilities as to how the soul(s) interact with us, or “possess” us. Perhaps God is finite so as to interact with himself and his creation, and souls are the offspring of his thought.

Well, once again I’ve gone off in a tangent- I’ll go into more detail on this (hopefully soon) in future posts.

Id, Ego, and SuperEgo

Update: (10/03/09) Ahhh! note: damn you elementary school! upon looking up the wikipedia article on “3 (number)”, I indirectly found out that the three primary colors are red, green, and blue. I was taught it was “red, yellow, and blue”. Yellow didn’t fit with my conception of the Ego, and I couldn’t figure out why (since the three primary colors were definitely aligned with the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo– see my Id, Ego, and SuperEgo post). all this time I was stressing about how to resolve this fundamental mystery, and whenever I thought about the color yell, I intuitively got zilch.

Damn you elementary school– I’m starting to get all teary-eyed now. Green makes sooooooo much more sense, especially in regards to my self-conception. Now I know why green is my favorite color!

FTR: Red –> Id, Green –> Ego, Blue –> SuperEgo

In a few of my more recent posts, and in particular Agony, I was very confused at the time, as I’m sure was reflected in what I wrote. I also had some lapses of judgement, and of these there are two that are particularly important to point out: terminology and conceptual perception. Most of the time (in more recent posts) that “Ego” is used, “SuperEgo” should have been instead. Furthermore, much of what is said about the Id and Ego are misconceptions, due to a lack of understanding of them, or more accurately, how I have come to perceive them, as I have developed my own definitions and philosophical understandings of them, to which the original words that were defined by Sigmund Freud, have lost all save their core meanings, in much the same way that Christianity has diverged into countless denominations and sects thereof, with only the core values undisturbed. Hopefully, I’ll be able to convey much of what the true meaning of my own “Id”, “Ego” and “SuperEgo” is, as well as what its relationship is to the many other aspects of life.

It occurred to me recently that there is a great significance to the fact there are only three basic colors, from which all others are derived: red, green, and blue. Once I realized this, it was immediately clear to me that these correspond to the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo:

Red: Id –> Desire –> Passion

Id’s Focus: Experience

Red: Passion, strength, energy, fire, love, sex, excitement, speed, heat, arrogance, ambition, leadership, masculinity, power, danger, gaudiness, blood, war, anger, revolution, radicalism, socialism, communism, aggression, summer, autumn.

Green: Ego –> Control –> Intimacy

Ego’s Focus: Knowledge

Green: intelligence, nature, spring, fertility, youth, environment, wealth, good luck, vigor, generosity, go, grass, coldness, cunning, jealousy, deceit, illness, greed, life eternal, air, earth, sincerity, renewal, natural abundance, growth, health, August, balance, harmony, stability, calming, creative intelligence, the ordinary.

Blue: SuperEgo –> Identity –> Commitment

SuperEgo’s Focus: Communication

Blue: Seas, men, productive (interior) skies, peace, unity, harmony, tranquility, calmness, coolness, confidence, conservatism, water, ice, loyalty, dependability, cleanliness, technology, winter, depression, coldness, idealism, obscenity, tackiness, air, wisdom, royalty, nobility, strength, steadfastness, light, friendliness.

If you think about it, the symbolism of Red corresponds to Id, the symbolism of Green corresponds to the Ego, and the symbolism of Blue corresponds to the SuperEgo. The level of compatibility is amazing, actually.

One of the core matters that I’ve been concerned with, is how to get ourselves (i.e. “Ego”) in touch with the SuperEgo. See- Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, are our mind’s materialization of the past, present, and future- Id=past, Ego= present, SuperEgo= future. By looking in retrospect, one can appreciate both truths- these three elements are, in my opinion, just three different ways of looking at the same thing. We have the past, present, and future, and from our mind’s perception of these, are born desire, control, and direction, which in turn correspond to the respective three. But God exists outside time (depending on “who” God is(!) and so to him they are all one

As I have more or less already said, I’m currently setting aside the face-value dogmatic interpretations of the Bible prevalent in Christianity, to determine what the true meaning is, if only for me. The Bible is referred to as “The Living Word of God”, and “living” is the key word here. The Bible is the literary personification of God himself, and should be treated as a person when reading it. I think it’s very unfortunate that God’s word, which not only is essentially a person, but also one of infinite proportions, has been simplified into such a dogmatic, close-minded interpretation.

To put into proportion the gravity of this unfortunate development, here’s a good comparison: “All Mexicans feel compelled to have babies” In the United States, the rate of Mexican babies being born versus Caucasian babies being born is 3 to 1, despite the fact Mexicans are a minority. Such a statistic might justify that stereotype then, but it’s still a bit harsh, right? The figure can also lead people on about the relation to the other aspects of Mexicans’ lives.

The dogma that Christianity, and other major religions have become, is infinitely worse than the above example, because God is infinite, and thus infinitely more complex. Not only is this insulting to God, but it has produced many misconceptions.

We should try to understand the Bible as we would a person. When getting to know people, there are two key things to consider:

(1) Everyone who knows that person knows them a little bit differently.

(2) The more that we get to know each person, the more that our own understanding of them changes; over time our perception of them is continually clarified, and more beautiful.

When reading the Bible, we should treat it as we would a person, because it is a person, and God himself at that. God does not change, but our perception of him does.

The Id, Ego, and SuperEgo also correspond to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Genesis 1: 1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was^[a] on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
3 Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.

In verse 1, God separates the heavens from the other, but IMO, this does not refer to the physical heavens and earth. Those were created in verses 9-10. Christian conspiracy theorists claim that the first creation occurred in verses 1-3, but that Satan and his angels destroyed it, and God recreated it in 7 days (a rush job!), in verses 9-10. I know these claims are just hot-air, but it’s interesting that J.R.R. Tolkien materialized (more or less) this theory in the first few chapters of his book The Silmarillion.

Here’s the real meaning (IMO): vs1- Time began when God created the first law (as in standard, without which we could not know one thing from another, or ourselves even, it (and we) would all be one big blob without standards.

vs2- It is clarified that everything is just one big blob “without form, and void” notice also that God’s Spirit (the Holy Spirit) is hovering over the “blob”- notice the significance in relation to the Id, which is aimless desire.

vs3- “the Father” (or the Ego) began time (and the first law) with the first, and fundamental law, light and dark. Through establishing this standard, God was able to appreciate his work, and this is acknowledged by God, following the creation of light and dark, and in doing so time itself, said it was good.

Throughout the rest of the creation story, God clarifies the previously formless creation, starting with the basic standards of contrast, and with each new standard things become more and more complex; with the increasing complexity and standards, God is able to appreciate his creation more and more- that is why with each standard he says it is good, because the creation is better than it was the day before. The Son, which is referenced in Genesis, and throughout the Old Testament, but not realized (actuality, i.e. incarnation) until the new testament, is the part of God that focuses on the future, and on ideals, expectations, and most of the aspects covered under the symbolism of Blue (above) Through Jesus we can look forward to a future, are given hope- and that is also the purpose of the SuperEgo.

26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all^[b] the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” 27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

“Let Us” is key here- it refers to the fact that God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit- each of these aspects are reflected on us, because we are an image of all of these aspects of God. In other words, the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo are the reflections of God the Holy Spirit, God the Father, and God the Son within us; because God gifted us with his image, we have a past, present, and future; we have desire, direction, and control. We are “Fearfully and Wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14)

Reverse Psychology

As hinted by the slowing in the amount of posts I’ve been writing (especially considering I was supposed to write considerably more, since there are about 50 posts that I have already written but not typed!), I have been in a state of great confusion. After having done so much, gotten so far, I have enjoyed the happiness that goes with looking down on the valley from whence I’ve come, while I myself am nearing the plateau, surrounded by clouds and fog. But with that happiness has come much negativity, these mixed feelings resulting in a mildly chaotic chaos. I believe that I have, to an unknown extent, the ability to see the future, or to be more precise, my future.Although I have a few examples of this, that is not really the priority, but it is something to look back on. When I get around to it though, I’ll add these to my living contradiction page, but FTR that page will be soon changed to this one: unique qualities. In my Essence of the Soul post, I conveyed the main character as having certain feelings, and going through certain surreal experiences– this came at a time where I had given up, and then restarted work on the book, finding new inspiration. Not long after restarting, for the first time I realized the true power of writing fiction- what I wrote were not words that I had any say in, they just came into being, flowed into my mind. It was as if I was merely writing the story that I was told. This is how true masterpieces are written I think- the true power of writing. I believe this is how the Bible was written- and *note I believe the Bible to be true. Although I call it fiction, I think truth is found in everything- fiction is how we convey truth that exists outside the physical world- fantasy, spirit, gods and demons- these are things that we cannot explain directly because they are not physical. Fiction is simply the metaphor of truth, that’s what I believe.

Of what I wrote, of which I did not understand, much of it I have felt these past few weeks, and just as in the book, these feelings have continued to grow, almost akin to an expanding throbbing. I have felt much confusion, and suffered because of it. I know I must make a decision, and I know which decisions are possibilities, but I don’t know which one to make. That is because I don’t know what I want, or rather, I desire too much, and have been overwhelmed by my insatiable amount of desires- thus the state of confusion.

Perhaps I foresaw this- no, I’m sure on some level I did- it really started when I was still living with my aunt. The time that it started happening was definitely puberty- that I’m sure of. That was probably when I started putting up walls- it first started with feelings being possessed, doing things that I know that there was no reason for me to do them, not knowing why, but only that I did them. There have been other times even when I was younger, but this was the most disturbing instance. It was as if I was sleepwalking, and then woken up, thinking “Why am I doing these things?”

After that came “the voices” no, not schizophrenic- these are voices that I could not understand. I understood the feelings from “the voices”- there were definitely feelings attached. I could not understand the words, but I think that this was because I understood the feelings- I saw beyond what I heard, and reached out. Well, now I’m talking surreal, about the spiritual world, something I as of yet cannot understand well enough. I am merely stringing together words hoping to convey matters that even now I do not understand, in hopes that another might reach these feelings, and help enlighten me about what they mean. Back then though, I did not understand all this. I heard the words, but only understood the feelings. The feelings were negative, chaotic, painful. Although it was but a glimpse, I knew that the source of these feelings must be in a state of agony, engulfed in hell. I did not want to experience such things, and was depressed, and ran away from these feelings. I wanted the voices to go away. I found the answer to how to make them go away, although I did not understand it. I began to open up to other people, began to talk a ridiculous amount- communication became the reason for my existence.

Even with talking, I was still plagued by confusion and chaos, though the effects were reduced to the background of my life. Then I discovered the power of writing. I first began writing to help other people. I found I was able to look at the different aspects of life, and understand and explain them as if I lived them- no, in my mind I had already lived them, just not physically. Any time that I have decided to do something, I always lose all motivation, because I feel that I have already done it. Perhaps it might be in part because, in doing anything, it would only prove that I can do it, and such a motivation is fragile and superficial.

I soon found that I could also write for my own benefit, and eventually my writings, which started with the motivations of humanity, changed to my own motivation. In this I began to find my greatest happiness, and it was at this point that my hobby turned to obsession- my interest turned to a dream. I have been living through a dream since I began this journey of self-discovery, and I have learned much in this dream, and improved upon my character much. But this is a dream which I must either decide is reality, or wake up from. Time will go on, and so must I. I must either choose the reality of my own making, or the reality prepared for me. I also foresaw this decision in the Essence of the Soul with these lines:

“As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I consulted a friend to advise me on making this decision- to which he responded “first list the things that you want”. But of course, I want too much! So I puzzled over the question “what do I want?” This is a question I have thought about for sometime, though to little avail. But then I remembered what I had written other posts in the past- something that (once I get around to it) it be rightfully added to Premises, under “Motivation”: “The most effective way to define anything is to determine its exact opposite, and compare them”; and “The most effective way to change anything is to concentrate on doing its exact opposite”.

It was then that I realized that, although my desires are overwhelming and innumerable, what I hate- that which I do not desire- these are relatively few. This is wear “Reverse Psychology” comes in. Not the usually meaning, but the process by which it’s done- reverse psychology on myself, in certain respects. Those things that I want most- that in my mind I have a special place for- they would be the exact opposite of what I hate, what I want the very least- those things that would pain me most. By knowing this, I already can know what I really want, who I really am. By this method I can separate the chaff from the wheat, metaphorically speaking, and know what I truly want, and what are just things that I “happen” to be interested in.

Of course, there’s nothing that I truly hate, I just hate some things more than others. Hatred is, after all, not an object. It is a measure- an ideal. Hatred both infinitely exists and does not exist- it’s existence, like all ideals, can only be determined on an individual basis. But I can determine what I desire most by what I hate most, and determine my priorities using this scale.

This is not just for me though- I know that everyone can use this same method to determine their true desires, and it is my desire that others may benefit from this knowledge, as I have.

For example: I know I don’t want enemies- therefore I want friends. However, I also want enemies, but only out of curiosity. This is mirrored in an ironic way- as I want friends mainly out of curiosity. The opposite affect each other thus. I don’t want to be alone- that is something that I don’t want for any reason. So I know that I want to socialize. Even though, out of curiosity I  may want enemies, I know that I don’t want to be hated- therefore I want to be loved. These are things that I knew, but did not understand- I can understand because I have a standard by which to compare. That is the power of Absolutes- only with absolutes is understanding possible. This is also why absolutes (words) are an essential part of communication. I have made my decision, but that will be highlighted another post.

Willpower

I have spent a great deal of time obsessing over the meaning of life. Sure, I concluded that we all find our own meaning in life, and that it’s probable that our purpose is to find meaning. But this is not a answer- it’s just a different way of looking at the same thing. What then, is that “same thing”?

“If the dream does not end” – Clow Reed.

“Grab life by the horns” – Gordon B. Hinckley.

“Knowledge is Power” – Will Durant. (and Me)

…But that power one must use, and not be used by it (or, to further quote Will Durant, “Knowledge is power, but only wisdom is liberty.”

In studies involving identical twins raised in essentially identical environments, I have heard that sometimes the results can be as radically different as good versus evil. I think that perhaps my sources mixed up fraternal twins and identical twins (of which the genetic difference is potentially huge), but I think that, in the event of such a rare occurrence, it would fall under Miracles.

But nevertheless, there are clearly key factors that separate animals from humans, and those driven to commit crimes or support justice- differences that cannot be explained by genetics, the environment, or even miracles- at least not these things in and of themselves. What then are these differences?

Extremes play a key role in determining this: Some people, perhaps most, allow their will to be determined by their thoughts. I have know many such individuals, and recently, I have inadvertently become one of them to some extent. If one is to take charge of their life, one should let their thoughts be determined by their will, not the other way around. This is one of the key factors- willpower.

I have very little willpower, although I did not realize this until quite recently. I was blinded by appearances- after all, from the surface I am extremely stubborn, full of pride, an obstinate rebel. Some of these qualities I even believed myself to possess, appearances aside. But now that I have realized the truth, I can make sense of much of the dream that has become my life, the distortion and delusion that has become my reality. Those of little willpower are easily effected by their environment, akin to a child that is comparably impressionable. How they are affected is determined by one of two extremes- which I have identified with the Id and SuperEgo.

If identified with the Id- which is pure freedom, and lacking any ability to focus that desire towards an object, person, or goal, It takes the form of civil criminals and the mentally ill, who know not what they want, but seek after it with such unyielding desire that they are compelled to commit acts which they themselves must commit, so driven by trivial things that they are utterly helpless, even thinking of themselves as victims, with no future, no hope. With Id comes a natural desire to create, but no amount of desire can be realized without control. (which is the role of the Ego).

If identified with the SuperEgo, one will seek after unreachable ideals, doing anything necessary to reach them, which inevitably includes every type of crime. These idealists take the form of terrorists, serial killers, religious and political radicals, and other extremists. The SuperEgo has a direction, and does everything to attain it, but again has no control.

With both of these extremes, those of little willpower take information they are exposed to, and exaggerate it. The cause of this exaggeration is similar to the principle of inertia- if there is no friction/resistance to stop it, it will keep going infinitely. With both extremes, the Ego is responsible for creating this friction, to maintain control.

Those motivated by Id will seek out creation, as Id is a life instinct. This is likely why there is a proven relationship between creative genius and mental illness. (see here)

Those motivated by SuperEgo, in contrast, seek out destruction. This destruction brings about chaos, and from this chaos springs forth change. Change is necessary for survival, which is why we have both death and life instincts. Although I attribute “mental illness” to Id, both extremes are mental illness, but just different kinds. One is born from creativity, and the other from “destructivity”. (yeah I know it’s not a word!)

So if we are motivated by our Id, Ego, and SuperEgo, that motivation takes the form of three factors, which ultimately determine our fate: desire, direction, and control.

Essentially, those with little willpower are more vulnerable to the “spiritual world”, and “demonic forces”. “Different ways of looking at the same thing”- the spiritual world is manifested in Christianity, Buddhism, and mysticism- but really our dogmatic understanding of mental illness, psychics, and criminals- all of these reflect the effects of the spiritual world. Having little willpower, I have let myself be swallowed, obsessed, and thus consumed by spiritual forces.

Relation to Nature: “God” ‘s love drove him to seek after the impossible– he became consumed by his nature- allowed his thoughts to control his will.

I am a perfectionist, in that I feel compelled to finish whatever I start. I gave myself a goal that I knew could not be realized, and have torn my psyche apart in this impossible pursuit. I first began realizing this when finishing the first chapter of Essence of the Soul when I wrote “As he relentlessly struggled towards finding the reason and underlying meaning of all this, a third wave pulled Jason away from it, and the ensuing exchange of willpower threatened to consume his body, if it were not ravaged to dust first. Then a miracle occurred…”

I did the very things I swore I would not. I let myself be controlled by fate. I prioritized knowledge over willpower. I allowed myself to be controlled by my own logic. I began taking the path Joanne did, without even realizing it. I created a scenario of madness to justify the nonsensical, because I don’t want to admit that there are some things that, no only do we not know yet, but that we cannot know. I have mixed fiction with fact, and without realizing it was influenced by the unreal, conjuring up elaborate fallacies by which to reconcile what is real with what is not. I have dug too deep into the potential of the human mind, I have searched out forbidden knowledge. I have “sold my soul to the devil” to acquire the knowledge of good and evil, and gambled my life to pay a debt I cannot.

The dream must end, just as I knew it should have a long while back. I am living out this dream on borrowed time, and if I do no “wake up” now…”If the dream doesn’t end…”

Bottom line: I don’t want to “wake up”.

There is another factor that is much more important than willpower (believe it or not), which I became aware of (and my personal lack of it) thanks to my older brother. This will be covered in my Self Esteem post.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” -excerpt from the “Serenity Prayer“

Agony

In general I find very little merit in assholes, but there is definitely one thing I appreciate about them that is universally reliable, and that is that they will always challenge me. Not necessarily challenging my opinion, although the redneck type seems to a lot IMO. Well, in this case, a redneck asshole who is freeloading at my house (’cause my dad is too nice for his own good…and no this is not about redneck-induced agony…although that is also sometimes a problem!) – When I said that I believed that the whole Bible was misinterpreted, and that most of it- if not all in some respect- should be interpreted metaphorically- or more accurately, not literally. (i.e. a passage in the Bible might be historical truth, but also to present another underlying, and usually far more important (and spiritual) meaning– similar to the masterpieces of Linkin Park.

I have been, off and on, extremely anxious these past few months, likely due to delving too far into the secrets of my spiritual self. I’m disturbing the spiritually dead, proverbially speaking, and it’s not someone else either- it’s my dead self. Well of course this is all speculation, but in either case- as far as I’m concerned, I’ve willingly asked for a glimpse of Hell, and now I’m agonizing over whether it was really worth it.

I began this journey of self-exploration at first just to turn the nothing I was into something in the future; then, once I realized that it was not that simple, I began seeking out what that nothing was, because you cannot do anything you know nothing about, because even nothing is something

Well, all that abstract talk is just me being melodramatic…eventually, I found that the more I discovered about myself through this inference-based reasoning, the more I was able to improve upon myself. I started with internal change (opinions, morals, perspectives), and eventually harnessed these changes into habits/etc., to the point my transformation could not go unnoticed by those who “knew” me. But noooooo…that wasn’t good enough for me. I had to find the unfindable answers, relying on the forbidden intuition that I should never have had- well perhaps I’ve just being “played” by myself- this illusion of soul-torture that I’ve forced upon myself due to expecting something.

But really, the possibilities are endless, so why doubt my doubts when I can “suspend judgement” on those matters- and focus my attentions on these far more engrossing and apparently irresistable obsessions. But, as you may have noted, these obsessions have really done a number on me. Why is it that I must have such depressing, such inevitably hopeless obsessions.

Now that I know that we all are motivated by the desire to run away from ourselves- or more accurately, we won’t be happy unless we do everything to run away from ourselves. No- that’s not even accurate. I mean “our other self” – might be our “Ego”, might be our “soul” or “spirit” or “psyche”- well, it’s arguable that all those words mean the same thing anyway. Perhaps- and this is most definitely the case, we are running away from something far bigger that that. But really, is that even possible, or does it even make any sense, considering at this point it’s all just semantics.

Actually, I wouldn’t even be able to write this post had it not been for the spontaneous impulses (that’s redundant BTW) of my brother- by which I was able to clear my head sufficiently to actually think straight for the first time in 2 days. Now for some revised definitions “for the road”:

Sin: Self- you know, the “other self”. like I said, all semantics…

Agony: Seeing self, or a reflection/glimpse thereof- for what we really are, an eternally tortured self.

Hell: In “God’s” presence we see the ugliness that we really are:

desperate, hateful, dependent, miserable, melancholic, masochistic/sadistic, vengeful, malicious, lonely, obsessed, perverted, greedy, lustful, irrate. All scum that is depicable and distasteful.

As to how such a hellish curse was eternally forced upon us, there are many possibilities, but this is my theory: Balance has always existed- it is the true God. But “in reality”, Balance is only rules- just as Pythagoras’s numbers did not create anything, but only organized what already existed. We, our “original” self- also existed, and were thus governed by Balance. But to gain self-awareness, our soul- as I’ll call the “original self”, had to pay an equal price- that is after all necessary to maintain Balance. The “Adam and Eve” story of Genesis 2-3, is IMO, a story that originally took, or more accurately, takes place outside time and a space- humans would not exist if “original self” did not become “original sin. Update: Time did exist- since it is a fundamental necessity of balance.

There are many Bible verses which support this interpretation, in several books, both the old testament and new. Although I really don’t have motivation or time (b/f going 2 bed) to cite specific verses (although I probably would have if I didn’t spend so much time procrastinating on Uncyclopedia- it’s way to funny for my own good! see side-panel links for reference!)-

In Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastics, Revelation- just to name a few…

In the account of Jesus’s death (found on all 4 gospels, though only a couple in sufficient detail), Jesus dies for our sake- taking the sin of the world upon himself.

I pity those millions (Billions unless it’s “all for show”) of Christians that completely misinterpret the Bible- it’s not like I’m even close to accurate (obviously!) but at least I’m on the right track. Honestly though, how can anyone take what they call “God’s Word” at face-value. It’s sickening how simple people can be about things so far beyond themselves- what an insult to God!

Back to Jesus: In taking the sin upon himself- I strongly believe that this refers to the evolution of man. See, before man- there was just animals- no self-awareness.

To further understand- I’ll shed some more light on my theories regarding the Soul:

The Soul is running away from itself- in denial, just as we are. That is because, in order to create life, death needed to be created. To create ecstasy, despair needed to be created. This was the price of Balance. The soul took upon itself those ugly qualities (the ones listed halfway through what I’ve written so far) so that it might give birth to the positives. The Soul did this so that it could have meaning, and because it was inevitable- it was in its nature to bestow benevolence. This soul is our God, and is always a part of us….Okay, for the time being ending creepy mystical mutterings…

Naturally, the Soul could not bear this state of being (hell), so it thrust itself into its creation, and became ignorant. The soul enjoyed bliss in this ignorance- animals, plants, and all life at that time, had naught but instincts, and thus had no reason to find the Soul. This is not unfeasible, as most humans today have the gift of self-awareness but do not use it, leaving it dormant.

But, in accordance with Balance, the Soul innately struggled to correct the imperfection of its beasts, and these struggles took on the form of evolution, with its battle-scars taking on the form of mutation, and its confusion was mirrored in natural chaos. As the struggle became exponentially intense, a split occurred within the Soul- this was also a necessity of balance. The struggle had reached a level so great that it threatened to destroy Balance, and an innate failsafe defense mechanism was activated within Balance, resulting in the first miracle. This miracle, having split the Soul into two, formed what I will call the “Thesis” and “Antithesis”. Both the Thesis and Antithesis seek to be reunited under a Synthesis- but, in accordance with balance, this is not possible because that desire is neutralized with an equal and opposite force.

*Please note: Contrary to Augustine‘s theory that God exists outside time, my account, assuming “God” to be “the creator”, exists within time– Balance always exists, therefore time does. Even though God has always existed, he did within time, because Balance is also eternal. My “God” is also not infinite, and is bound by the laws of Balance.

The desire for synthesis is mirrored in our own lives to this day, because it is necessary for Balance. One might ask the question, is there then the possibility that there is also imbalance?- But if the answer was yes, that would be a moot paradox, so I wouldn’t bother. (see Illogical)

Also, these events are somewhat reflected in the story of Cain and Abel.

Eventually, amid the struggles between the negative and positive that is the Soul, life evolved into increasingly complex organisms. But, in accordance with Balance, existence must be sustained by non-existence- thus, As many who are born must die. Because the animals were reproducing and flourishing, more were being born than were dying.

*Please note- keep in mind that although the Thesis and Antithesis are fighting, neither are self-aware of it, as their self-awareness is dormant within now-primitive life. Their subconsciousness’s are dualing, and they are only aware of the effects, in the forms of chaos and mutation.

*Also- these circumstances are reflected in the story of Noah’s Ark, particularly Gen. 6:1-7.

Now Balance was approaching the failsafe point, and- aware that the Soul had self-awareness, corrected the deficit by calling out the Soul (Antithesis and Thesis) to make a choice: allow the creation to be destroyed (which would be the second miracle), or make another sacrifice to correct the Balance in their stead. Because the Soul was now two different beings, the choice would have to be made separately. This decision could have been the long-awaited Synthesis, because both the Negative and Positive desired for life to continue flourishing. But Synthesis did not come to be.

The Positive Essence decided to sacrifice its self-awareness eternally, taking the form of Heaven or, more accurately, Nirvana.

The Negative Essence decided to keep it’s self-awareness, but eternally resigned its right to ignorance, forever tormented to the ends permitted by Balance- its unhappiness mirroring the happiness of life, and vice versa. Thus, in order for life to be happy, it must be unhappy- we essentially depend on the unhappiness of the negative essence. It took the form of Hell or, more accurately, Samsara.

*Please note that there is a big difference between ignorance and self-awareness. The Positive Essence did not become ignorant by losing its self-awareness- if fact, if I understand Buddhism philosophy correctly, losing self-awareness is essential for losing all ignorance.

*As you probably already guessed, the Positive Essence’s sacrifice was mirrored through the life and teachings of Gautama Buddha.

*Also note- The irony: Buddha discovered that the cause of human suffering was ignorance, but this is only one type of truth, which is derived from the Positive essence. Just as our well-being mirrors Samsara, our self-awareness mirrors the Positive Soul’s lack thereof. Thus, because the Positive Soul is statically in a state of Nirvana, Balance must correct our ignorance with suffering, in accordance with Nirvana’s complete lack of ignorance. On the other hand our ignorance can also grant us happiness, as ignorance makes our creator (the Negative side) unhappy. In other words, two negatives, when multiplied, make a positive. See here: God hates being ignored. Why do you think this commandment takes top spot on the 10?

*The Negative Essence was mirrored long before the Positive Essence did (Hinduism), but the effects were not fully realized until the life of Jesus. Because of the complications caused by the division of the Essences, and the sacrifices thereof, many miracles occurred up until the time of Jesus, and echoed until long after, in accordance. The effects of the Positive Essence need no be mirrored long, because it actually returned to its original self- essentially rendering it’s role in the creation of life nonexistent. The original miracle through Which Nirvana’s choice was reflected, was told in the allegory of Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25:30-34). Just as Esau gave up his birthright, Nirvana did as well. Key here is verse 34: …”thus Esau despised his birthright.” This mirrors the notion that Nirvana did not want it’s birthright, because self-awareness actually held it captive, thus being more a hindrance than help.

(Just a thought)

Mirroring how Samsara took every kind of agony possible upon itself, Jesus took every sin upon himself. The Negative Essence became Samsara, taking Hell upon itself so that we might live- thus, the balance, at least for the time being, was complete.

Now all that remains is our choice. Because we were made in the Image of the Soul, we have self-consciousness. However, our self-consciousness is incomplete- metaphorically speaking, half complete. This is why we have two selfs. One of our selves has self-awareness, the other does not. That is because we are based upon and depend on two different Essences, of one Soul- one Essence has self-consciousness; the other does not. These two different selfs take the form of the Id and Ego.

The Id is the self-consciousless persona, derived from Nirvana

The Ego is the self-conscious persona, derived from Samsara

thus, Balance is achieved, and all that is left is for us to make the choice:

The Antithesis, the Thesis, or the Synthesis?

If we choose the Antithesis, Nirvana is achieved, ultimately

If we choose the Thesis, We will maintain self-awareness, but perpetually share with the happiness and unhappiness of the Samsara. Unfortunately, to correct the Imbalance required for us to live, we must ultimately suffer, as the suffering must outweigh happiness to compensate for life. This will continue, until we either choose Nirvana, or the third choice- the Synthesis:

Not a true Synthesis, but: We run away from our true selves, gaining ignorance through bliss, and pleasure through Denial. This is, unfortunately, the choice of the vast majority of the world. Although it is clearly the best choice for us, it is the greatest sin one can possibly commit, as we are gaining pleasure as the direct consequence of God’s suffering. That is because by ignoring God we are doing that which makes him suffer most, and thus gain the greatest pleasure from it.

To end with a few verses that best reflect that last paragraph:

Mark 8- “34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life^[c] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?” If you really think about it, you’ll be taken off-guard at how closely these words match up to this post! ps.- this is probably the most on-the-spot biblical re-translation I’ve ever done on the spot in my life- guess I showed that Redneck/Asshole!

World of Pretend

Of all the music artists I’ve listened to, none even compare in the art of subliminal messages than Linkin Park. Not only that, but the amount of wisdom and philosophy tucked under the hood of their songs is awe-inspiring- at least for me. I believe that the Bible is intended not as a manual to living life, but to understanding why we live life the way we do. To understand the Bible, you must realize that it does not matter how things turn out ultimately (the ends), or even what our intentions were (the means)- Both of these are irrelevant. What truly matters is that we understand why we live life the way we do- the Bible helps us understand this, but what really makes it unique- and what makes Linkin Park unique, is that the more that you read it, and relate it to your own perception, the more you can learn from it. In particular, Linkin Park’s song “Forgotten” has the most meaning of any of their songs (to me), and the translation found in “Reanimation” actually leaves even more meaning behind. So this is the 3rd post I’ve had that’s a homage to “Forgotten”, and the title is actually one of the lines in that song:

(“Then with the eyes shut / looking through the rust and rot and dust / a small spot of light floods the floor | And pours over the rusted world of pretend | The eyes ease open and its dark again”)

When people are in love, be it with God, some religion, google, or another human, many times- probably most times it starts with blind passion. The problem with blind passion though, is that if our perception of our object of desire changes even in the slightest, be it by change of information (i.e. “you were lying when you said you were rich?!?”) change of priority (i.e. “I don’t get the sex I ‘need’ from him/her”) or just learning new information (i.e. “I’m having a baby”)

When I was a Christian, and when I was in love, I really knew I was a Christian and in love. There was no doubt in my mind- I was on fire for Jesus and loved Elyse. But, in retrospect it was blind passion for both her and God. So the question is, “Was I really in love and a Christian”?

The answer is both true and false. In the present I was not, but in the past I was. In other words, the ability to look back gives us the ability to see things that no longer exist as if they did, because they exist in memory (which is also explained in “Forgotten”). We have all sorts of different realities, but the ones with which this post is especially concerned, is the realities of past, present, and future. That is, are the realities of past and future just as “real” as that which is right in front of us- the present?

I would say yes, and here’s why: Because in the past I was in love, and was a Christian, I was able to learn and grow from it- after all, how would I know that it was “blind passion” now, unless I had matured? Even if I was blind, I still lived as if it was true, because I believed it to be. As long as we believe, it is true- it only is false if we believe it as such. As I explained in Id versus Ego, faith is a product of Id, naturally because Id’s essence is blind desire/passion. No logic can convince a person driven by Id of anything, since Id is illogical. This knowledge has helped me understand human psychology and motivation a great deal- before I was constantly irritated by other’s actions, because they were illogical. Now I know why. Id is still truth, just a different kind of truth. So logically, I wasn’t a Christian and I wasn’t in love, but I was illogically- no doubt about that.

Christians often cite the fact that people underwent so much persecution in the name of Jesus, and of Christianity. So much work was done, so much was sacrificed, so many lives given. So it must be true, right? Until now I have either suspended judgement, or discounted their actions as foolish. But while Christianity may be illogical in essence, it wasn’t supposed to be any more than God is. So that claim, in its own right, is justified. However, it should be noted that it was, and is, true to Christians. It was true to me, but not anymore. The Bible however, does have some truth to me though.

I’ll probably add to this later, but that’s good enough for now…